Self-Loathing is the Highest of All Conservative Values by Ralph Wigglesworth

OR:
How Elephant Zombies are gonna eat your brains!
(still by Ralph Wigglesworth)

JesusTittyFuckinChristInABarrelOfMonkeys! What happened to the good hearted conscientious conservatives in this country? (thought I was gonna say Cunt, didn’t ya? – well, I guess I kinda did.) But, Have you seen this twerp the Republicans are pushing now (no, not Rush Limbaugh…no, not Bobby Jindal either…no, just watch the video)?



Guys, I know it’s no secret that some of us (ok, a lot of us) have a taste for the sweeter things in life, i.e. young teenage man meat, but this is fuckin’ ridiculous. You can’t actually invite your young boy-toys to come out and speak at our conferences.

However, the kid is right. Our Republican party is a dead horse that Obama can’t stop beating (Stop it! We’re already dead!!!). And, you know what, It’s not that we hope Obama destroys the country and everything we worked so hard building the last 8 years (or 30 but who’s counting), we just want him to fail. It’s like what, friend of the blog, Rush Limbaugh said “You either want Obama to succeed or fail at his goal of dismantling conservatism”. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: Rush Limbaugh is right. Obama don’t care about white people. (White conservative evangelical Christian American people.)

Since being elected Obama has done everything in his power to piss us republicans off, from destroying capitalism with his stimulus package, to closing Guantanemo Bay, to calling for a halt on our victory in Iraq that was gonna save the middle east (years from now when your grandkids say “Grandpa, why’s the middle east so fucked?” You can simply reply “Obama”), all the way to making us question our sexuality with Rahm Emmanuel’s dreamy eyes.

The sad thing is that it is working, like Rep. Michele Bachmann said “we're running out of rich people in this country” and as we all know, as goes the Republicans so goes the rich. And it’s all without a doubt, absolutely 100% all Obamas fault. It's a goddamned Holocaust for the down-home good-ol'boy American rich. This is exactly what I feared would happen, folks. As soon as one Marxist moves in, there goes the neighborhood.

Now he has his sights on Healthcare reform. Thanks but no thanks. I highly doubt all our unemployed workers with no health benefits are taking very good care of themselves and we all know how dirty your regular liberal hippy is and now you want me to fit the bill every time one of these jerk-offs gets a stubbed toe. Am I really gonna have to cover a bag of cough-drops every time they take a hard bong-hit? Whatever happen to live free and die (…of cancer)?

Just outside of taking bong-hits and blowing the poor, we Republicans have actually been trying to appear more “cool”. Especially since on November 4, 2008, a date that will live in infamy, you made it so abundantly clear what you wanted. You people…that’s right I said it.. You People!! I’m sorry but Ralph is pissed..You people thought dissent was so cool under Pres. Bush so we took your lead and had Rush Limbaugh came out and just like a republican version of Michael Moore after eating Sean Penn said he hoped the President would fail. You guys used to not be able to get enough that shit but suddenly dissent is no longer patriotic. Hell, being patriotic doesn’t even seem to be patriotic anymore.

The American people wanted a black guy so we gave them Michael Steele. He said he wanted a “Hip hop” make-over for the party and called the stimulus package “bling bling” yet you write him off as nothing more than racist pandering. The People wanted youth appeal and charm, so we brought out Bobby Jindal to give our response to the State of the Union address. And you just laughed at him and said he was fuckin’ dork. Well, I’m sorry America but he is still a Republican, we’re being as cool as we know how to be. Y’all are some haterz. For real!

Speaking of cheap political gimmicks that have blown up in our faces, what the hell happened to Sarah Palin? Maybe she can’t hear her own party screaming for her all the way up there in Alaska. Maybe she’s off hanging out a helicopter gunning down a pack of wild wolves with an M-16 and our republican cries are being softened by their loud blood-curdling screams of death. Or maybe she just doesn’t care and is only waiting for her chance to go bullshit on The View.

Fear not, for It’s not yet R.I.P for the G.O.P—wow, really? Who writes this shit?, But I digress. The Republican party isn’t dead, it’s just in zombie-mode. It may be slow-moving right now but every American knows that you can never count us out and sooner or later, when you least expect it and think you’re safe in your precious hate-free, love-everybody, socialist society we’re gonna strike back hard and eat your fuckin’ brains!!!!

And then we’ll be all happy again…as an America of fat, crowd-following, ignorant zombies out to eat every rational-thinking, intelligent brain we can get our hands on… just the way God and Ronald Reagan planned it.