Perez Hilton is a Faggot

Someone had to say it.
by
Joel Straley


Twitter was used over the weekend as a resource for a young man who had been attacked and was in need of assistance from the police. Of course, this was not from a young protester fighting for change in Iran, it was an American F-list celebrity, who's name is a reference to a D-list celebrity, in trouble in Canada. Perez Hilton currently made "headlines" on the afternoon of a slow Monday after being involved in a fight that followed an argument with Fergie and Will.I.Am of the Black Eyed Peas. (whats the deal with the names of celebrities nowadays? Fergie? Will.I.Am? Perez Hilton? Where the fuck was Kid Rock or Lady Gaga?). Hilton or Mario, as he is known to his parents and I assume anyone who knew him before the requisite goth to diva transition in High School, used his Twitter account to spread the urgency of his situation.

For any of his "fans" who happened to have been checking up on his Twitter page at 4 on a Monday morning he posted this entry: "I am bleeding. Please, I need to file a police report. No joke". I know celebrities...excuse me, people with a high amount of Twitter followers, or Twats, feel like they have a special bond with the bored kids that read their posts but this is absurd. First off, if you can check your Twitter, you can file a police report. If I'm not mistaken the internetz can be used much like the telephone line that has existed perfectly fine since 1876.

I cannot imagine that even Perez Hilton is naive (or lets go ahead and say it: Dumb) enough to actually believe someone would read that and then call 911 and be involved in a conversation that would probably go as follows:

Deranged fan Perez hopes exist: "OhMiBlog! Perez is in trouble! Hello, 911?"

Poor dispatcher that has to take the call: "Yes, state your emergency"

DFPHE: "Um, according to his recent Twit Perez Hilton is bleeding somewherez in Canada"

PDTHTTTC: "Ok, are you a friend of the injured?"

DFPHE: "According to Myspace, Facebook and Twitter; yes. In real life I saw him once at my Cousin's 16th Birthday Party at the Hamptons last year, the Jonas Brothers played because, like, her dad owns a dealership"

PDTHTTTC: "Where is this person now?"

DFPHE: "OMG! Srzly, you guys! I don't know, his post ended at 140 Characters! Duh!"

(dial tone)

Perez Hilton was punched in the back of the head by the Black Eyed Peas tour manager...or some shit, the details are totally irrelevant. Perez Hilton was greeted by Will.I.Am who said something along the lines of "Hey, I'm Will.I.Am, you may remember me from not being Barack Obama in those 'Yes We Can' youtube campaign videos, or from CNN's magic hologram machine. I noticed you have a blog, could you do me a favor and not say I'm a douchebag and then draw a Microsoft Paint-style cock in my mouth, Thanks! I hope we can be friends!". To which Perez Hilton seriously replied "You know what, I don't respect you and you're gay and stop being such a faggot". I can only imagine that Perez was attempting to insult Will.I.Am while wearing an extra-small shirt, pink flip-flops and a diaper.

Now you may remember Perez Hilton getting all in a twist after making Ms. California a bigger household name than his own a month or so ago. Perez Hilton referred to her as a "Cunt" and a "Dumb Bitch" after she answered his question about Prop 8 by saying she only believed in "Opposite marriage".

When you ask someone a question like that they can respond only with "Yes, I agree with it", "No, I don't agree with it" or "I don't really care". Ms. California apparently gave Perez Hilton the wrong answer, nevermind how irrelevent it was to her possible position as Miss Noone-gives-a-shit. Again showing how egotistical he is, he tries to stand up for homosexuals, as if he actually expected a different answer from a white-bred suburban-raised conservative rich girl, while completely neglecting the manufactured misogyny thats allowed to be so prevalent at those competitions (as well as from Perez Hilton himself). You know what Ms. California didn't say: "I think we should have marriage for opposites and not for faggots". Perez Hilton would have shit in that diaper he wears if she had. Of course she didn't say that, only a defender of homosexual rights like Perez Hilton is allowed to speak so openly homophobic. If Perez Hilton was EVER(!) considered to be positive for homosexuals in America then Flava Flav is goddamn Martin Luther King, Jr.

I think its time that all Americans come to an agreement on what has been a considerably large elephant in the rooom: Perez Hilton needs to go! We thought Paris Hilton was bad for being famous for being famous, but she at least gave us a popular porn video, Perez Hilton has given nothing! I felt like a douchebag even writing this. We shall never speak of him again starting....NOW!


Oh, and can we agree that the Black Eyed Peas suck too?