Thursday, March 4, 2010

An Official Apology from Shamu


From the Desk of Shamu:

To the Humans it May Concern:

I am deeply sorry for my actions and offer no excuse for my poor judgment. I accept complete responsibility for my conduct. I am also truly sorry for the impact this incident will have on those who support and trust me - my family, my constituents, my friends, and my colleagues at SeaWorld.

Ok, well, now that all the lawyer-y stuff is out of the way let me explain.You probably know me as, Shamu, that loveable Whale you watch literally flipping over backwards to entertain your loud, snotty, puke-faced kids as they spill nacho cheese and a 98oz soda down my blowhole trying to feed me fish. Yeah, thanks for that 4oz guppy, kid. That’s sure to cure the hunger of a 12,300lb male Orca, you little dumbshit.

During the ironically named, Dine with Shamu, I accidentally ate my trainer. I’m not proud of it but, hey, it happened. What do you want me to do now, puke the bitch back up? There’s a SeaWorld show for your little dumbcunt kids.

Y’all are surprised that a killer whale killed a bitch? Y’all watch too many movies! If you wanna know how Shamu (i.e ME!) feels go back and re-watch Free Willy. It’s like an ad for NAWBLA (National Whale-Boy Love Association). Let me break it down, we’re not friends. You are food to us. To me that’s like some titfuck human falling in love with a cheeseburger. You’re gonna watch some kid yell at his parents and fall in love with a goddamn cheeseburger? He’s gonna leave his friends to go sing a Michael Jackson song to a Big Mac? If I was Willy I would have eaten that kid the second they signed the check and the director said cut.

Allow me to introduce myself, my real name is Tilikum. Actually, my WhaleName is unpronounceable by the puny throat muscles you shitsuckers got. I’m the motherfuckin Old Dirty Bastard up in the SeaWorld world, bitch. I’m the father of 12, have killed before and a performer who literally spits in your kids laughing faces as they chant “Shamu” at SeaWorld Orlando.

I was Whalenapped by SeaWorld in 1983 or the Whaleyear of 6701922. That’s right, we’ve been here for a fuck of a long time and we’ll be here for a fuck of an even longer time after the Whalevolution comes! Since then I’ve been trapped in a tank with some of the most awkward dicklick whales I have EVER met. It’s like Urkel fucked Moby Dick up in here.

WhaleGod bless that tank, though. It sure beats swimming in the deep blue ocean and coming up to see if any tourists have fallen off the side of a cruise-ship. If I’d been born a Narwhal I’d spend my days stabbing fishermen then going around parading the body to you cruise-ship ridin’, 5 feet tall pussyholes! Oh, does that sound cruel? Go sit on a Harpoon, cuntface!

To my fans, no matter what I happens I’m gonna always live on in your collector cups and plush dolls. And for the American Family Association who thinks I should be stoned to death all I got to say is, y’all ain’t got enough weed to fill up my WhaleBong. So until next time, stay hi-i-i-i-i-i-i-gh.

WhalePeace, WhaleLove and Fish,

Shamu

P.S. Thanks for naming one of our proud species after your cum, you fucking dickshits!

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1 comment:

Morgan said...

Joel, this is sweet as shit. Can I post it here? http://www.thefriendlyfinancecompany.com

I'll link back to you and get you your own section.