The Greatest Story Ever Told?
By Joel Straley
I always find it weird when someone list as one of their favorite books The Holy Bible. It almost always feels like a cheap shot to get into Heaven.
Bible-Reader: "Oh and I love reading The Bible...I hope God is listeeenning"
But if The Bible is so many people's favorite book, you'd think more people would list God as one of their favorite authors.
Surely, there must be a lot of literary criticism to be said of the triumph and use of language in the Bible for it to be so many people's favorite book. A must-read so successful virtually every Hotel is without question recommending it to all its guest.
You never hear anyone list God as their favorite author...or for that matter, the same goes for John (although, for whatever reason, he is heavily quoted at Baseball games), Paul, Mark, Mathew, 1st Corinthians, etc.
Bible-Reader: "My favorite Authors are Hemingway, Joyce, Faulkner and probably, the divine word of our lord...I, just, really like his use of syntax and the alliteration- I think he has a great handle on his use of suspense and just is, I think, one of the best authors as far as character development. I mean when you read him it feels so real."
But its not even written very well. First off its ghost-written so its similar to The Autobiography of Malcolm X which is published as "Told to Alex Haley". In his master-work the information God is telling isn't particularly riveting, even as far as just bragging is concerned.
God: "Oh then I formed the land and the oceans. And then I made evening and I made morning. And it was good. Oh then I made some birds.. and that was good."
Bible-Reader: "I mean, just some strong use of language that really pulls you in."
For an autobiography it rates about as well as the books by Tila Tequila or Dog the Bounty Hunter in its weird bragging that serves to reinforce the main character's extreme self-importance.
God: "So there was a village, Sodom and Gomorrah, I couldn't really vibe with so I smote them, got kind a tired of people once so I drowned all of Earth- women, children, babies, kittens, puppies-- I just said 'ya know, fuck it! You're God, you can do better'".
My favorite line from Genesis is Genesis 1:16 "And God made the two great lights, the greater light to rule the day, and the lesser light to rule the night; he made the stars also".
God: "So I made the sun and the moon and then I just shit out a bunch of stars---just farted a Nebula here and a Supernova there."
Me: "Oh my god, come on-- God, have you ever even looked up at space? Jesus Christ! You literally just spent one-fourth of a verse describing how you made THE UNIVERSE. How about some deet's next time?"
And as for thinking that the moon emits light, this lets you know that even as a creator, he's not a very good one as he doesn't even know how his own shit works!! If anything God comes off sounding like a tribesman who discovers a wrist-watch and goes back to his village trying to pass it off as his own invention.
This is particularly why Intelligent Design will never work. Because nothing in the Bible is actually saying anything more than acknowledging what we can tell from just standing on Earth. It is just literally saying what's here and then adding "God made" before it. God made the stars, water, land, that tree over there. It isn't actually an answer for where anything came from or any information, whatsoever, as to the process of which our universe is a result.
Its like buying a Teapot and answering the question of where this teapot came from with "I got it from the store". That's obvious but that's not where the Teapot CAME from. It came from a process of putting hot metal into a mold and assembling it together in a factory, placing it inside of packaging, delivering it to a distributor and presenting it for a value to be paid at a designated location that functions by offering such retail for said value that you provided in order obtain the Teapot FROM THE STORE.
That's where a Teapot comes from. No matter what one may infer, it doesn't just magically show up in the store. That answer is just providing an IS instead of WHY. Even as an author God works in mysterious ways.
In conclusion, not only is the Bible not a good work of literature, its also just a poorly written autobiography, History and Science book.
Some may argue that the Holy Bible is in fact "fun" to read due to the level of "ridiculousness" within many of the stories (incest, murder, zombies..) to which I will remind you that that is not actually taking the book at the value it was written for making it more similar to "so-bad-its-good Art" (The Room, Trapped in the Closet, Troll 2).
This piece was inspired by some thoughts that occured to me in a dream. Is that divine intervention or what?
Now lets look at how many ways you can get this friggin' book: