This is not a blog

Summer Fashion Tips By Dov Charney

2010-07-07T22:15:00.000-07:00

The recessions hard, need a job?
- 34 (Billy'burb)
::a2m? GB? AZN need apply! No LTR! Bring *snow*, Watersports a +,
>19 a big +, BDSM for BBC::
M4W, M4WW, M4MW, M4BBW, M4T (Post-op), oh fuck it, M4M, M4MM

Summer Fashion Tips
By Dov Charney

It’s that time again. Summer. Unlike me, it only cums once a year. So let’s
celebrate. Another hot American summer means only one thing…sweaty
teenagers fucking. While, I’m gettin to be an older man, I’ve fucked a lot of
teenagers. And most certainly, other men’s shares. Now I know I’m not the biggest hit with some uv u ladies but ‘ey, ya gotta admit, I make some pretty soft t-shirts.

Cover ya eyes, ladies, cuz here’s my Summer Fashion Tips.

1. Have a nice face. If ya gotten pretty uggoz over the winter, try coverin up
some a them big ass shades. Basically just look real cute. Like something
I could really stick my dick into.

2. Always keep an extra pair of tube socks in yer bag. It’ll cum in handy when
I cum on your tits in one of those beach bathrooms. Sometimes if a chick
looks real dirty, I might wear one as a condom.

3. Forgot to get rid of yer chubby fat ass before summer? Try wearin stripes.
My neice wears them and they cover up her fatass pretty well. Hell, sometimes it works so well I don’t even have to zone out to the Miley Cyrus poster on her wall when I’m fuckin here. What are you, her dad? Well, you don’t know which niece I’m talkin’ about!
(like you never got hard from a muppet?!)

4. The other day I had a dream that I was fuckin a waterfall. But then I woke
up with my dick in a mouth. So ladies surprise yrself and suck the dick of a
sleepin stranger every once in awhile. It might help ya learn to swallow something other than ya pride. Damn I’m good with words. I’m like Dov D. Salinger up in here.

5. No camel toe. Ladies, let’s get real—u got some gross parts, and let’s try
and keep it tight and clean. Dov Charney don’t need any reminders that
this ain’t ya first time doing blow in a millionaire’s hot tub.

6. So ya went and got yrslf all preggo for summer? It’s cool with the Dovster as long as the little fella don’t grab my dick while I’m all up in it.

7.That’s my lucky number. It’s exactly how many times I’ve jerked off while writing this. Take a tip from this broad and air out ya twat once in awhile.

8. Lose ya gag reflex. And if yer gonna work here, yer sense of disgust and belief in a moral universe.

9. Get a fat friend with a car. After I fuck, I tend to lose my motivation when it
cums to caring about a chick. La-Dov James, Bitches!

Those are the tips, lick ‘em up! Oh, and if you got yrself a summer job foldin’ t-shirts at American Apparel don’t be such a prude when yr boss just wants to feel ya insides.

And remember, Legalize Arizona and help overturn the 4th amendment of Arizona Senate Bill 1070.

Have a fun, safe summer!

American A-farewell,
—Dov.

Previously on LOST

2010-05-26T12:41:00.000-07:00

(Thank God we brought heels for a three hour tour)

By
Joel Straley

I don’t have a lot of free time. But I still need to know what’s going on on Lost! So, I watched the Pilot and the Finale and made up the rest. Here it goes:

Lost is not a television show about a plane crash on an island. Lost is a show about smoke aliens that study humans on a deserted island, borrowing elements of the mythology of Scientology. But first it’s time for a flashback!

Jack Shephard opens his eyes after a calming nap on an airplane. He discovers his flight, Oceanic 815, has crashed on what would have been - under normal circumstances- a lovely beach on an even lovelier jungle Island. Some people survive, some people die.

The survivors get to know each other through an ironic discussion of what three albums they would have packed had they known they would be stranded on a deserted (or is it?) island. The writers love Irony. Jack would have brought Maroon 5 “Songs about Jane”, Bruce Springsteen “Born in the USA” and a Lisa Loeb album to remind him of his ex-wife. Locke would have brought AC/DC “Highway to Hell”, Rolling Stones “Exile on Main St.” and Mayhem “Pure Fucking Armageddon."

In the third episode, “The Audition …of Death," it is revealed that the whole cast were all on their way from Sydney, Australia to Los Angeles after auditioning for a television show based on a plane crash that leaves the passengers stranded in a modern day Twilight Zone episode for six seasons. The writers really love Irony. This finally explained one the biggest initial questions of the series; how exactly Hurley ended up on an island with a bunch of fit and attractive actor/model types.

John Locke reveals that in his past he had crashed lots of cars, trains and airplanes (did he crash the plane?) trying to get the type of badass facial scar that he conveniently has now. Charlie reveals that his band Drive Shaft is named after a rough translation for the Finnish word for hand-job.

The first two seasons continue on with several Jurassic-Park-without-the-dinosaurs type of action scenes. In an attempt to not lose the audience, the survivors begin running from a glob of smoke that needs fear and anger to survive. From this point on they must all work together and try to maintain a certain level of happiness and cooperation. This works in a similar way to Thetan levels which -when dropped too low- will get you eaten by a mysterious pile of smoke.

One of the first clues to the survivors that they weren’t on a basic deserted island was the discovery of a red button on the side of a tree. At the end of the season one finale “Trees, Buttons and Aliens…Oh My“ Hurley discovers the button and delivers one of the shows most famous lines: “um, dudes, is trees supposed to have buttons?”

Season two primarily revolves around Locke and Jack yelling “I’m not gonna push the button” and “Push the goddamn button” respectively, like a bunch of OCD sufferers. In the season two Finale it is revealed that the button controlled the Alien’s garage door. Did I mention the Island is run by Aliens? Well, it is and they’re from the planet Dharma.

In the episode “Ben-Here,” an alien in the form of a human mentor - Ben, informs the survivors that the smoke is actually the aliens who inhabit the Island. The aliens allow the survivors to leave the island on the condition that they simply split their lives in half. On one line they remain on the Island so the aliens can study and experiment with human interaction and behavioral progress in a series of different obstacles designed to test their mental, physical and emotional endurance. On a new timeline they are allowed to experience what it would be like had the plane never crashed.

Ironically, they must live out their lives in close contact with each other in a manner that mimics soap operas. If you have ever looked across the aisle of your airplane and thought “I wonder if that lady will deliver my baby someday” then these aliens created quite the plan for you. As the survivors continue on in their lives as doctors, cops, rock-stars and female doctors they have constant moments of déjà vu where they can feel their lives as they are mirrored on the Island.

In the episode “Jacobs Later” the survivors learn that “Jacob” is the name of the human that leads all the rest. It is named after the first human resident of the Island; a young boy from Fiji who had escaped in a boat during the Great Measles Outbreak of 1875. The boy was raised by the smoke aliens and received eternal life through whoever was next to “lead” the Island. Notice that “Lead the Island” sounds a lot like “Leave the Island” because, goddamn, did these writers love Irony.

In Season 4, Episode 14 “Take Me to Your Leader” Desmond is chosen as the first leader but accomplishes very little as a lame duck Jacob. John Locke uses force to get the Aliens to retract their decision and make him the new leader. His hunger for order and power gets the best of him. Sickness, injury and death plague the Islanders more than ever before.

A coup is staged by Jack as he begins influencing people to join him in a fair Utopian society and to no longer live under Locke’s fascism. In Season 6, Episode 11 “For God and Island“ Jack, representing good, and John, representing evil- in an analogy for the grey area within morality- come head to head with Jack’s line “Stop playing God!” to which Locke replies “I AM God!”. Jack becomes the new Jacob and performs the duty as a young JFK/Obama type of leader.

In Season 5, episode 6 “Lost and Found…How’d It Take This Long To Name an Episode That?“ a small rescue airliner crashes on to the island. I’m telling you, these writers can’t get enough irony!

After ransacking the Aliens' garage, the survivors find enough tools to fix the small rescue airliner. This allows some of the survivors to leave the Island in the series finale entitled “Just like the M*A*S*H Finale minus the Korean War”.

As the plane leaves the Island it alludes to the first few episodes - in that it feels just like Jurassic Park. The survivors stare out at the green hills of the Island with a look of “Holy Shit! We could’ve died but didn’t” on their faces.

In Los Angeles, on the crash-never-happened timeline, Hawkeye…I mean, Hurley has a vested interest in keeping the group together. Like the nerd who is moderately liked by popular kids, Hurley goes as far as shooting his friends with tranquilizer darts in order to get them to remain friends and go to a Drive Shaft show. Although most of the survivors think the music of Drive Shaft sucks, they all slowly reunite.

As a reward for participating in the experiment all of the survivors are placed together in a giant church for an eternity. The Aliens chose a church after witnessing through a series of vague and pointless rituals just how important religion is to humans. Oh, did I also mention that they were all dead and in purgatory? Yeah, that seems to be what’s going on.

Back on Smoke Alien Island, Jack finally kills Locke and then goes into the light cave in an attempt to leave the Island. The light cave has a deep center that is used for time travel, which is how the Smoke Aliens came to earth in the beginning. Jack dies in the woods after getting his ass kicked for going into the light cave and fucking with the home of the Smoke Aliens. Jack dies after watching the small rescue plane leave the Island. It is then assumed that the dog eats the corpse since it is now the freshest meat on the Island.

(Oh yeah he's totally gonna eat him)

God, As an Author

2010-04-16T10:06:00.000-07:00

The Greatest Story Ever Told?
By Joel Straley

I always find it weird when someone list as one of their favorite books The Holy Bible. It almost always feels like a cheap shot to get into Heaven.
Bible-Reader: "Oh and I love reading The Bible...I hope God is listeeenning"

But if The Bible is so many people's favorite book, you'd think more people would list God as one of their favorite authors.
Surely, there must be a lot of literary criticism to be said of the triumph and use of language in the Bible for it to be so many people's favorite book. A must-read so successful virtually every Hotel is without question recommending it to all its guest.

You never hear anyone list God as their favorite author...or for that matter, the same goes for John (although, for whatever reason, he is heavily quoted at Baseball games), Paul, Mark, Mathew, 1st Corinthians, etc.

Bible-Reader: "My favorite Authors are Hemingway, Joyce, Faulkner and probably, the divine word of our lord...I, just, really like his use of syntax and the alliteration- I think he has a great handle on his use of suspense and just is, I think, one of the best authors as far as character development. I mean when you read him it feels so real."

But its not even written very well. First off its ghost-written so its similar to The Autobiography of Malcolm X which is published as "Told to Alex Haley". In his master-work the information God is telling isn't particularly riveting, even as far as just bragging is concerned.
God: "Oh then I formed the land and the oceans. And then I made evening and I made morning. And it was good. Oh then I made some birds.. and that was good."
Bible-Reader: "I mean, just some strong use of language that really pulls you in."

For an autobiography it rates about as well as the books by Tila Tequila or Dog the Bounty Hunter in its weird bragging that serves to reinforce the main character's extreme self-importance.
God: "So there was a village, Sodom and Gomorrah, I couldn't really vibe with so I smote them, got kind a tired of people once so I drowned all of Earth- women, children, babies, kittens, puppies-- I just said 'ya know, fuck it! You're God, you can do better'".

My favorite line from Genesis is Genesis 1:16 "And God made the two great lights, the greater light to rule the day, and the lesser light to rule the night; he made the stars also".
God: "So I made the sun and the moon and then I just shit out a bunch of stars---just farted a Nebula here and a Supernova there."
Me: "Oh my god, come on-- God, have you ever even looked up at space? Jesus Christ! You literally just spent one-fourth of a verse describing how you made THE UNIVERSE. How about some deet's next time?"

And as for thinking that the moon emits light, this lets you know that even as a creator, he's not a very good one as he doesn't even know how his own shit works!! If anything God comes off sounding like a tribesman who discovers a wrist-watch and goes back to his village trying to pass it off as his own invention.

This is particularly why Intelligent Design will never work. Because nothing in the Bible is actually saying anything more than acknowledging what we can tell from just standing on Earth. It is just literally saying what's here and then adding "God made" before it. God made the stars, water, land, that tree over there. It isn't actually an answer for where anything came from or any information, whatsoever, as to the process of which our universe is a result.

Its like buying a Teapot and answering the question of where this teapot came from with "I got it from the store". That's obvious but that's not where the Teapot CAME from. It came from a process of putting hot metal into a mold and assembling it together in a factory, placing it inside of packaging, delivering it to a distributor and presenting it for a value to be paid at a designated location that functions by offering such retail for said value that you provided in order obtain the Teapot FROM THE STORE.

That's where a Teapot comes from. No matter what one may infer, it doesn't just magically show up in the store. That answer is just providing an IS instead of WHY. Even as an author God works in mysterious ways.

In conclusion, not only is the Bible not a good work of literature, its also just a poorly written autobiography, History and Science book.

----------------------------------------------------
Some may argue that the Holy Bible is in fact "fun" to read due to the level of "ridiculousness" within many of the stories (incest, murder, zombies..) to which I will remind you that that is not actually taking the book at the value it was written for making it more similar to "so-bad-its-good Art" (The Room, Trapped in the Closet, Troll 2).
----------------------------------------------------
This piece was inspired by some thoughts that occured to me in a dream. Is that divine intervention or what?

Now lets look at how many ways you can get this friggin' book:

Historic Healthcare Reform Bill Passed

2010-03-26T11:47:00.000-07:00

The Health-Care Reform Bill Debate Summed Up In 1 Minute!

An Official Apology from Shamu

2010-03-04T16:33:00.000-08:00

From the Desk of Shamu:

To the Humans it May Concern:

I am deeply sorry for my actions and offer no excuse for my poor judgment. I accept complete responsibility for my conduct. I am also truly sorry for the impact this incident will have on those who support and trust me - my family, my constituents, my friends, and my colleagues at SeaWorld.

Ok, well, now that all the lawyer-y stuff is out of the way let me explain.You probably know me as, Shamu, that loveable Whale you watch literally flipping over backwards to entertain your loud, snotty, puke-faced kids as they spill nacho cheese and a 98oz soda down my blowhole trying to feed me fish. Yeah, thanks for that 4oz guppy, kid. That’s sure to cure the hunger of a 12,300lb male Orca, you little dumbshit.

During the ironically named, Dine with Shamu, I accidentally ate my trainer. I’m not proud of it but, hey, it happened. What do you want me to do now, puke the bitch back up? There’s a SeaWorld show for your little dumbcunt kids.

Y’all are surprised that a killer whale killed a bitch? Y’all watch too many movies! If you wanna know how Shamu (i.e ME!) feels go back and re-watch Free Willy. It’s like an ad for NAWBLA (National Whale-Boy Love Association). Let me break it down, we’re not friends. You are food to us. To me that’s like some titfuck human falling in love with a cheeseburger. You’re gonna watch some kid yell at his parents and fall in love with a goddamn cheeseburger? He’s gonna leave his friends to go sing a Michael Jackson song to a Big Mac? If I was Willy I would have eaten that kid the second they signed the check and the director said cut.

Allow me to introduce myself, my real name is Tilikum. Actually, my WhaleName is unpronounceable by the puny throat muscles you shitsuckers got. I’m the motherfuckin Old Dirty Bastard up in the SeaWorld world, bitch. I’m the father of 12, have killed before and a performer who literally spits in your kids laughing faces as they chant “Shamu” at SeaWorld Orlando.

I was Whalenapped by SeaWorld in 1983 or the Whaleyear of 6701922. That’s right, we’ve been here for a fuck of a long time and we’ll be here for a fuck of an even longer time after the Whalevolution comes! Since then I’ve been trapped in a tank with some of the most awkward dicklick whales I have EVER met. It’s like Urkel fucked Moby Dick up in here.

WhaleGod bless that tank, though. It sure beats swimming in the deep blue ocean and coming up to see if any tourists have fallen off the side of a cruise-ship. If I’d been born a Narwhal I’d spend my days stabbing fishermen then going around parading the body to you cruise-ship ridin’, 5 feet tall pussyholes! Oh, does that sound cruel? Go sit on a Harpoon, cuntface!

To my fans, no matter what I happens I’m gonna always live on in your collector cups and plush dolls. And for the American Family Association who thinks I should be stoned to death all I got to say is, y’all ain’t got enough weed to fill up my WhaleBong. So until next time, stay hi-i-i-i-i-i-i-gh.

WhalePeace, WhaleLove and Fish,

Shamu

P.S. Thanks for naming one of our proud species after your cum, you fucking dickshits!

Follow Shamu on Twitter.

The BEST Seconds in Music of the 00's

2009-12-27T09:45:00.000-08:00

DOWNLOAD here
10. Wolf Eyes “Stabbed In The Face” Burned Mind (2004)
The Part Where It Goes Silent and Then Comes Back (1:58).
If you made it this far into the song you’re either thinking this is the greatest song ever or you’re dying (literally) for it to be over…or you’re indifferent to it..or you think it’s just sort of OK, I mean how the fuck do I know what you think about it, I’m not a scientist. Merzbow once said that Noise "is the pornography of music", if that’s true then this part is when the dude pulls out, flips the chick over and then the TV goes back to being blurry and scrambled and you’re like “holy shit, I almost got to see some anal”. This part is sweet because if you don’t like it you’ll let out an exhale of relief before you get smacked in the cunt with more noise. I used to listen to Wolf Eyes very loudly as I rode the subway and pushed my way through large crowds around the city, I’m not sure what that says about me but I'm sure its something.

09.Neon Indian “Deadbeat Summer” Psychic Chasms (2009)
That Opening Part (0:01).
Here’s the first of many James Murphy quotes (second thought, I feel fine with just this one) “Nostalgia for the unremembered 80’s”. Wait? Unremembered 80’s? The 00’s brought back bright colors, legwarmers and a series called “I love the 80’s”, "I Love the 80’s Strikes Back”, and for christs sake “I Love the 80’s: 3-D”. Ooooh, he’s being ironic. I got it, kids today love the 80s. At the end of the 00’s America (the west, wherever Suburban rich kids reign supreme, etc.) finally got what had been waiting to emerge in our era of laptops, GarageBand and post-modern nostalgia: A genre that is officially nameless (Dream-pop, Hypnagogic Pop, etc.); basically a bunch of kids alone in their bedrooms making albums that are a mix of old synth sounds, public access shows on VHS, and flea-market 8tracks (For more information see: Washed Out,Ducktails,TeenGirl Fantasy,Nite Jewel, etc.). The opening is a sample of Todd Rundgren’s “Izzat Love”. It comes off like the Neon Indian dude acting like you used to when you’d pretend to be a DJ as you were stuck alone in your parent’s car and would just turn the Bass and Treble knobs back and forth.

08.Jay-Z “99 Problems” The Black Album (2003)
Right After He Says “You’re Crazy for This One, Rick” (3:45).
Remember when Jay-Z was gonna retire? Yeah, that was a good month. Oh right, I forgot about that other time, yeah that was good month too. 17 Years after the Beastie Boy’s Licensed to Ill Rick Rubin does what he does best (produces?) and makes rap that samples rock that doesn’t suck. Right before the song ends with final thumping of distorted guitar and live drums Jay-Z reminds you to Holla back because “Its ya boy”.

07. Justice “Stress” †(2007)
The Oh-No!-These Guys Are Here to Kick Some Ass Part (0:52).
No band has pulled off the influence of Michael Jackson as well as Justice (Sorry, Justin Timberlake). When my Dad first saw the video for this he told me he was “horrified”, so I reminded him that it was fake and that scaring old people was the whole point. If Michael Jackson is as much of a genius as I’ve been told repeatedly since July that he is, he will return as a zombie dancing in the street to this.

06. DragonForce “Through the Fire and Flames” Inhuman Rampage (2006)
The PacMan Part Before That Epic Solo (4:58).
Irony is a thin line. When is something bad-bad, good-bad or just simply a guilty pleasure because you’re too embarrassed to say something is actually good. We all know this was the next track on the Numa Numa guy’s playlist. It’s the perfect song for the era of Guitar Hero, World of Warcraft, Lord of the Rings and the idea that being a “nerd” was cool (Fuck you, Michael Cera). The solo sounds like Dan Deacon on Coke trying to cover Metallica’s “One”. NEXT!

05. Outkast “Ms. Jackson” Stankonia (2000)
The “Foreva? Foreva eva” Part (2:07).
Before mainstream rap got so crazy that Three 6 Mafia won a freakin’ Oscar (Forgot about that huh?) these 2 dudes were Kanye West if he was as cool as he is a douchebag. Every Soccer-Mom in the country used to sing this part with her teenage kids as they were on their way to buy more “Never Forget 9/11” American Flags from Wal-Mart. Outkast owned the first few years of the aughts but then they released a movie/soundtrack and people have been waiting for a comeback every since.

04.Panda Bear “Bros” Person Pitch (2007)
When Some Chick/Bro Is Crying (8:58).
The song sounds like happy incarnate and to nail home its celebratory spirit the last 2/8s of the song features the sound of exploding fireworks (right about the same time the listeners is exploding [read: ejaculating] in their tight red American Apparel boy-shorts). The music slows a bit and we hear crying- that deep gasping-for-air type of crying. Is it happy? Is it sad? Did Noah Lennox witness a rape and just sit back and pull out his sampler? Does it matter? No, because it sounds sweet.

03.RadIOheAd “Everything in its right place” Kid A (2000)
The Computer Glitch Vocal Part (0:15).
OMFG! U Guiz! They sold their guitars and bought keyboards! Did you see Thom Yorke dancing and exposing his chubby-Dad-gut on SNL? No? Check it on the B-low. –But seriously this is one of the best vocal pieces of the 00’s (ever? MAYBE!!) and how does it start? It sneaks in with vocals that can’t even be sung! I used to sing in my head to this part (because lyrics are stupid and no one really pays attention to them anyway) and thought he was saying “Ginny…Lebanon...Ssskinny..Lebanon”. He’s probably just saying nonsense (or as Thom would call it “an existential recursive scream from a computer to the spectacle of post-modernity …or a car accident”) as Jonny Greenwood jerks off a Chaos pad.

02.Lightning Bolt “Assassins” Wonderful Rainbow (2003)
That Feedback Squeal At The Beginning (0:00).
Let me start with a non-ironic OMFG! U Guiz! These dudes sold their Art degrees and bought more amps! I used to rant a lot about how this feedback squeal that starts “Assassins” is the perfect complement to the album’s opener “Hello Morning”. “Hello Morning” is Lightning Bolt at their most calm. If you’re listening to Wonderful Rainbow as a whole you hear a soft spring-breeze of guitar feedback and delicate string pulling and then BAM! A loud feedback squeal as the sound kicks you in your balls. This squeal represents the time it takes for the pain in your balls to reach your brain and then when you scream the song officially starts and barrels over your crying bitch-ass like a fuckin’ freight train.

01.Fever Ray “If I Had a Heart“ Fever Ray (2009)
That Fucking Opening (0:00).
This is the sound of the death of the four piece band playing original instruments, this is the sound of a decade that killed music (Guitar Hero), the sound of the end of peace (The War on Terror), the sound of an era that couldn’t claim an end to prejudice (Hurricane Katrina/Prop 8), this is the sound of a global financial collapse, the sound of corporatized Democracy that is no longer afraid to be seen, this is the sound of the entire wealth of human knowledge in a 3-inch piece of plastic (Iphonez and Crackberries), this is the sound of a planet burning off its most prolific virus (Global Warming), this is the wish for an apocalypse in 2012 (but the closest we get is another shitty CGI-action flick).

Honorable Mention:
Yeah Yeah Yeah’s “Maps” Fever To Tell (2003)
+ Kelly Clarkson “Since U Been Gone” Breakaway (2004)
+ Ted Leo “Since U Been Gone/Maps” (2004)
The Start of the Bridge, Dude (1:57),(2:10),(1:48)
Brooklyn owned indie rock at the close of the 00’s (Dirty Projectors, Grizzly Bear, Animal Collective) and Manhattan owned indie rock at the start of the 00’s (The Strokes, YeahYeahYeahs, TVontheRadio, LCD Soundsystem). If any song helped a bar band go from the Lower East Side to the a record label bidding war in Los Angeles more than “Maps” did for the YeahYeahYeahs I haven’t heard it. Aside from not being boring (I’m looking at you Strokes and TVontheRadio) the song was sweet, catchy and she freakin’ cries in the video (Sure, it’s probably about Angus from Liars but that makes it sweeter [as in cool, not as in heartfelt]). Kelly Clarkson ripped off the bridge in her song “Since U Been Gone” and then Ted Leo recorded an acoustic mash-up just to prove it.
DOWNLOAD here

What Ayn Rand and Reagonomics Mean to The Poor

2009-11-28T12:51:00.000-08:00

Money. It's What I Want?
By Joel Straley

The tea-baggers have spoken! Tax cuts for the rich! And its about fuckin' time!
But why, screaming lower middle-class laborers, should we cut the taxes on our nation's wealthiest, most prosperous and, by default, hardest working Americans?

The answer was brought to us by a Hollywood actor turned pandering politician, so as you can guess the shining example of what it takes to become a Republican Leader. His name was Ronald Reagan. Always one for modesty, Reagan used his economic wisdom to create Reaganomics (a phrase coined by Radio Personality Paul Harvey, you believe that?) based around the trickle down system. Which is very similar to tea-bagging but in sort of a reverse manner--so think of it as Washington helping the rich to Teabag you.

While America is hardly an example of pure capitalism with its constant bail-outs and use of socialist and even communistic rulings to secure the wealth of its ruling class, I have decided to use it as such since it is the strongest example out of the worlds leading superpower(s) (This is assuming someone out there still considers America to in fact be a Superpower).

To represent the perfect example of how prosperous an individual can be in a capitalist system (also referred to as 'achieving the American Dream') a citizen must be born and/or raised in impoverished conditions and then rises to a higher level of economic status through determination, hard-work and/or a combination of ingenuity and luck.

While nepotism, whether be within a family or an elite social circle, is common place in capitalism and the rewards of which exists in all aspects of American culture, it is for good reason not normally viewed as being a positive attribute to the American capitalist system. Surprisingly, contrary to the way American capitalism is currently run, nepotism is the greatest negative attribute in capitalism when viewed threw the spectrum of Reaganomics or Ayn Rand's objectionism.

In a purely capitalistic society nepotism cannot be avoided as the rich will generally maintain a stronghold of much of their wealth until their death thus securing the prominence of their family name within elevated social circles for generations.

This has lead to many complications on how capitalism should be controlled. One of the strongest examples of this is the "Estate tax", which in the 1990s was occasionally referred to as the "Death tax". This was changed once republicans realized many Americans supported an Estate tax since most Americans didn't own an Estate. But since most Americans don't want to be taxed for dying they were against the Death tax..even though it is completely synonymous with the Estate Tax.

Today there are some concerns, most of which are extremely overblown and almost all of which are absurdly unfounded, that the government is attempting to conduct a "redistribution of wealth". Most of these concerns are from far-right conservative 'commentators' and their loyal band of unquestioning minion voters who are still upset that their policies of fucking everything in America up over the past 6 - 8 years (depending if Congress or the President gets most of the credit) cost them an election one year ago.

Ayn Rand suggest that we should praise and encourage the greed and selfishness that creates the determination within the individual to work hard and obtain wealth. Since wealth is not necessarily a pie of which everyone fights for the largest piece but is closer to being a pile where everyone is able to receive the amount of which they earn, hard work and determination will be greatly rewarded. (This is contrary to the idea that wealth is a pie and inflation relates to the accommodation of the individuals and the work they can obtain).

The ideals of capitalism and Ayn Rand's objectionism mainly appeal to the ever-growing constantly-consuming American middle class that is made up of 90% of Americas population (this figure would probably be accurate if a poll asked the question "Which class are you in?" and excluded stupid answers like "Trig. 101").

Reaganomics, which apparently makes a better 80's shit-rock band name than it does an economic stance, is based on one basic and simple flaw: That the rich will waste away their money. The basis of Reaganomics, or 'the trickled-down theory' or 'just because its warm doesn't mean its piss' is that the rich are just like you ... the poor, when the fact is they're not. That is why they're rich. Rich people know the value of saving money and spending money on assets rather than liabilities.

Reaganomics suggested that tax cuts for the wealthy would benefit everyone since the rich loved to buy expensive things (Yachts, mansions, golden unusable ipods) and thus it would benefit everyone as the poor would then work in factories making lots of money manufacturing all the crazy things the rich would now be more readily able to purchase.

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Essentially Reaganomics fools the poor into thinking that the rich view money the same way that they do. The fact is they don't. When the poor receive money, they spend it. This is generally a necessity as the poor are purchasing essentials like food and shelter and are relying on paycheck to paycheck. The hard-working determined Americans pulling themselves up by their boot-straps have saved money and work to save more so that it will accumulate into wealth. Since the poor wish to be wealthy, or at least appear so, they often forgo saving money to purchase contemporary luxuries that will have the appearance of wealth (iphones,flat-screen TV's,homes they can't afford).

This does not suggest that the rich do not buy ridiculous and needless bullshit,....they obviously do, but many earn too much money for their spending habits to have any affect since much of the rich have such profitable assets that it is hard to spend the profits fast enough (Bill Gates, Michael Jordan, Warren Buffett). The rich however are not spending money at the same rate or at the same proportion as much of the poor.

Tax cuts for the wealthy and perpetuating a society that praises the rich jeopardizes the very economic system that its supposed to be supporting. It is jeopardized because it creates generations who feel their wealth is deserved and thus lose the meaning behind the virtues of capitalism and self preservation.

It creates a generation of wealthy individuals who are addicted to power and success rather than a society of the determined and grateful. Since using others for financial gain is an ability one must master to be a member of the wealthy global elite many excuses must be made to hold onto this position. This ranges from Goldman Sachs using bail-out money to hand out bonuses to the CEO of Goldman Sachs referring to himself as "blue collar" and arguing that Christ wants him to be wealthy.

While such greed and power-lust reigns among the super-rich some of the moderately wealthy are active in lessening the divide between the upper and lower classes.

Ayn Rand is wrong in suggesting that the poor will praise the rich and will work hard to become one of them, but rather the lucky few that do become rich will in fact work hard to help the poor because they realize how fickle and reliant on others their own wealth is.

It is not that the poor will be envious of the rich and will therefore work with more determination and initiative, but it is rather that the some of the rich will fight harder for the poor knowing how reliant on others their own success had been.

This could explain why Hollywood tends to be so liberal while middle America tends to be so conservative. Conservative America has worked hard for its modest economic living and doesn't see it as fair to give up any of it to others, while many of the wealthy in the entertainment industry have obtained such an expansive amount of wealth they are forced to see the unfair division of it.

The one major difference between the economic philosophy of Ayn Rand and Ronald Reagan lies in the effects they're trying to achieve. Ayn Rand argues that the wealthy and prosperous ruling class will be an inspiration to the lower class and thus force them to strive to be more successful themselves. It is actually debatable whether the masses enjoy watching wealthy celebrities be prolific and succeed or crash and burn into a life of destruction.

Reaganomics suggest that with tax cuts for the rich, the rich ruling class will spend their money on things that the working class will have to manufacture; thus benefiting the working class and increasing their wealth.

Again, Reaganomics is based on the myth that the rich are "just like you", when in fact they are not. The rich have learned to create wealth by saving money and always spending less than they are taking in. This is why many celebrities who like to flash their money around usually end up filing for bankruptcy when the new lifestyle for which they have become accustomed cannot be maintained.

Ayn Rand's philosophy does have elements of truth to some degree as our capitalist culture does have a sick obsession with the rich. More specifically celebrities, who have gained fame and wealth through a process of talent and luck that has pulled them out of either the middle or lower class. This fame is misleading as hard work never has any guarantee of paying off, as any American working 3 jobs to make ends meet can tell you.

Current society goes on encouraging the interest in and thereby the fame of useless socialites, many of whom like the super-rich owe their success to nepotism, starring and grabbing at people living out our dreams of power and wealth and hoping that someday everyone will get their 15 minutes and we'll all be able to be our own Susan Boyle.

So for the love of America(!), don't tax the rich(!!)...because someday won't we all be rich and have all of our wildest dreams come true? For gods sake we even have a show called "American Idol", one of our highest rated television shows, that is based on the premise of offering anyone with the slightest bit of talent a chance at being rich and famous.

Is Rich and fame success? Aren't we also told by our wise elders that the best things in life are free? Well, give them to the birds and bees because the Beatles want money. Isn't that what we all want?

It is my belief that the working class would all kill themselves if they measured their success on monetary wealth alone. Were we not also told that money doesn't buy happiness and mo' money mo' problems?

So if the working class isn't happy without money and the ruling class isn't happy with money- then why are they happy? Eventually, even with an established career at any economic level, individuals of all classes measure their success and pride by their established families. It is through love and the raising of children that we reaffirm success and prosperity in an individual no matter what tax bracket they fall into.

Even this, at the smallest measurable scale, shows that wealth cannot be put in front of the lives of others. As it has been reinforced through characters like Ebenezer Scrooge, Bill Murray in Scrooged and Scrooge McDuck, even the wealthiest of individuals are surrounded by others for whom they would give all their money away to protect and care for.

Remember the Beatles reference I just made to wanting money, well, once they had it, didn't they sing "All you need is love"?

It is for these reasons that on any scale from the visions of Ayn Rand or Ronald Reagan the policies based solely on individualist determination cannot and do not offer the best system by which to nurture society as a whole.

Some may argue that it is in no way are the wealthy needed to be forced to nurture society, but since many have lived through the experience of the working class, we are lucky that some, although very few, do. Its not about wealth, its about caring for one another in an economy that is reliant upon every individual no matter what "class" they represent in a poll or on an excel spreadsheet.

Get a Job, You Dirty Teabagger!

2009-10-19T11:41:00.000-07:00

Are the Teabaggers the New Hippies?
The Guy Who Wrote This Thinks So.
By Joel Straley

Winston Churchill is often misattributed to the quote "If you're not a liberal when you're 20, you have no heart. If you're not a conservative when you're 40, you have no head." I believe these words from Sir Churchill, a leading figure of Tom Brokaw’s Greatest Generation (get a room you two), quite ironically sum up the generation that was to succeed him in history (the baby-boomers; or the not-quite-as-Great-as-the-Greatest-Generation Generation), had he actually been the one to have said it of course.

One of the main questions during George W. Bush’s presidency was ‘Where did all those protesting hippies go?’ this and, of course, ‘who the fuck keeps voting for Sanjaya on American Idol?’ It seemed like the elephant in the room was that if the baby-boomers who had come of age protesting unjust war, increasing ecological concern and positioning itself against an openly-corrupt government were honestly enraged shouldn’t they be back and armed in the streets over the controversies that surrounded the Bush Administration? Hell, all those hippies would have had kids by now and when you mix that in with all the anguish that comes from the fact that in hindsight the protest movement of the 60’s failed at many of its main objectives then shouldn’t they have returned bigger than ever?

The 60’s movement ushered in an age of political concern for America that ultimately broke new ground in regards to political activism, equality and civil rights. However The Bush administration, carrying on a precedent started by Ronald Regan, was a shining example of how the larger goals of undermining corrupt capitalism and creating a check on the connection between military and industry failed…and failed hard.

In our current political climate people are now as equally stunned by how modern protests suddenly got to be so passionate. The liberals under President Bush gathered with their “America=Fascism” banners and waited for someone to yell “you lie!” at the president but conservatives have answered the call and have taken on the role for themselves. The liberal hippies that characterized the spirit of the baby-boomer generation have gone through the tunnel of being Reagan-Democrats to come out the other side as a mass of neo-conservatives given life by its equivalent modern extremist; the Teabaggers and Birthers.

The idealistic hippies of the 60’s fought for change to bring about a society so open-minded it could accept everything and everyone (free love, sex and drugs…mmmmm free drugs), but now the Teabaggers of the Present fight against change to provide only for themselves and their own vision of the world (no Mexicans, gays or communists…mmmm communists).

From the path of young Communists to aging Objectivists, this group has essentially become a mix of the worst parts of their parents’ generation and the generation they were in their youth. They kept the passion of the 60’s and combined it with the irrational fear of change from the 50’s.

Many factors between the Hippies and the Teabaggers prove that the more things change, the more they stay the same. The Teabaggers undoubtedly sound just as ignorant in political discourse on their soapbox as the hippies did. Both movements are the products of a small group of leading individuals whose ideas are absorbed at face value by an army of passionate political activists.

The rhetoric and buzzwords of these leading individuals are adopted and distorted by the movement. Just as the Chicago 7 didn’t tell protesters to riot, they just came to antagonize the police; Glenn Beck didn’t say to call congressmen Nazi’s at Town Hall events, he just said President Obama is a racist fascist whose health-care plan is forced eugenics.

Even though the messages are almost completely reversed today, one can’t help but notice the names and faces of Karl Marx, Che Guevara, Joseph Stalin, Mao Zedong and Vladimir Lenin are used with prevalence within each movement; then as an alternative, today as fear.

As the hippies fell back on their pseudo-intellectualism they could only tell you “well, just listen to Dylan, man, he’s got it all figured out”, the Teabaggers rely on their pseudo-intellectualism by telling you “Glenn Beck and Fox News is the true voice of real America”. I say we give all these assholes a joint and a beer already and get them out of the political discourse.

Both groups cling hard to writings that they read without any regards to their historical context, books ranging from Mao Zedong and Jean-Paul Sartre for the old-Left and Glenn Beck’s “Common Sense” and the Constitution for the new-Right. In regards to their knowledge of actual political theory both groups lead the pack in being able to scream a quote from the Communist Manifesto without being able to sum up a word of the pamphlets actual content.

When supporting the philosophical and moral aspects of their political action both groups occasionally forego their reason and rationality and replace it with their version of religion. As the Hippies utilized Buddhism and ancient Eastern culture to support their cause, the Teabaggers distort Christianity.

When their arguments fail, as they often do when you’re shouting it at someone, what can be relied on is shock-value. Just as the hippies would openly offend to use shock as a way to grab a listeners attention this trait is used notoriously by the Teabaggers. Like Abbie Hoffman in Forrest Gump (“and boy, did he love to say the ‘F’ word”) to Glenn Beck on Fox and Friends (“this President hates White people”), both the hippies and the Teabaggers know exactly what words will grab the media’s attention and commence to use them as soon as they feel their passion isn’t being noticed.

The Teabaggers have openly and without shame referred to President Obama by the names of almost every single one of their greatest fears; Nazi, Fascist, Marxist, Communist, Terrorist, Socialist, Elitist, Foreigner, and in fact, the only name they haven’t called him on a public forum is most likely the only one they’re dying to- the word no Viet Cong ever called Muhammad Ali.

The image of a future of passionate, screaming protesters demanding reform in government is what danced in Thomas Jefferson’s head like sugar-plums as he carefully penned the Declaration of Independence. As a believer in revolution and change myself, I have nothing but admiration and reverence for the passion that is expressed in both movements. There is a time for passion and a time for an educated debate. Much like almost every other aspect of social life, the area of political discourse must be centered on an even balance of passion and rationality.

With the passion of the current Teabagger movement so misguided, misinformed and against the interest of its own members it embodies the full paradoxical spirit of modern American capitalism. The interest of capitalism has long fought to maintain a stronghold over the voice of American majority and never before has it been able to guide the majority so easily. This is evident through the workings of FreedomWorks to orchestrate the protests of the Town Hall events in a way that draws attention to the 20 percent of Americans that oppose the Public option rather than to the 80 percent in favor.

I hope that the lessons of history that lie within the legacy of the protests of the 60’s will allow us to foresee the oncoming results of the Teabagger movement. If the Teabaggers are an inverse of the Hippies we can all have comfort in knowing that the hippies failed to stop much of what they were fighting against. So as the Hippies couldn’t stop corruption, greed and capitalism, the Teabaggers won’t be able to stop healthcare reform, corporate regulations and a return to intelligent discourse.

The author is esteemed that he wrote this without once laughing at the fact that these jack-offs are legitimately referred to as “tea-baggers”.

Here's my Option: Fuck the Public! Obamacare Explained by Ralph Wigglesworth

2009-09-21T13:46:00.000-07:00

Some(1) have tried to ease concerns about President Obama's plan to reform health-care by stating that at this point there isn’t exactly a specific bill to be for or against. Well, as an avid reader of New York Post headlines and Sarah Palin’s Tweets I can assure you that Ralph Wigglesworth has already heard all he needs to know.

To be frank, what it is I'm hearing is that even after last week's hugely successful public Tea-bagging of Washington much of the public (this is the same selfish public that's for a public-option...what a coincidence!!) finds the arguments of the protesters to be illegitimate as well stupid, brain-washed and ultimately irrelevant. If using my God-given right to fight against my better interests is "stupid", "brain-washed" and "ultimately irrelevant" (as some moronically biased writers have stated) then I'm as American as an Eagle fucking an Apple Pie during a Baseball game.

The 9/12 protest was a gathering of real Americans...and was the voice of a substantial amount of the public (again, that’s the real public..not that stupid public-option wanting public). Some pictures showed the crowd having as many members 1997's gathering of the Promise-Keepers (2) and according to Glenn Beck "the University of I Can't Remember" (3) claimed that the protest had an attendance of up to 1.7 million people...that's almost 30 times the estimates from the mainstream media which shows clearly that they’ve been hijacked by a bunch of gays, jews, blacks, and illegal spi—Alright, Ralph, take it slow… lets just move on to the debate.

Well Libs (4) or Dems (5), allow me to clear up some issues at the center of the fight against Obama-care that you don't seem to understand. The voice of the tea-baggers is one that should be included in the health care debate (yes, yelling "You Lie!" during The President's address to Congress IS part of our contribution) if not just for the simple fact that we are currently the loudest, which in modern-American politics means we’re winning regardless of what the polls say.

First off, the "public-option" maybe an “option” but it’s an “option” that takes from my taxes. It’s MY taxes. Some lazy schmuck who’s too lazy to get a third job to cover his insurance premiums suddenly wants to get a free ride from the government and ol’ Ralph Wigglesworth is left picking up the tab and leaving the tip. These job-less, crack-smokin, probably AIDS-spreadin’ America-haters just got one of the benefits that comes from having a stable employer…HEALTH INSURANCE! The same kind of health care I EARNED by having a job and that I benefit from as long as I stay within the guidelines of my insurance company and continue to avoid pre-existing conditions (which I admit is becoming harder and harder) as well as meet the criteria of a qualifications board, etc.

So a bunch of spanish-flea-infested, hole-in-their-boot-straps, sickly poor people check “yes, can I have some more please?” when it comes to health-care and the Government springs into action but where’s Ralph’s chance to check “No, get a job you 45 Million uninsured hippies!”? Nowhere, that’s where! I didn’t hear diddly-shit from George W. Bush about a “Public Option” but now we got Obama trying to pour piles of MY cash back into the ghettos for all of his damn lazy, black brothers and sis—On to the next point.

Ok, let’s get to the issue of this plan being, oh, I dunno, NAZI-esque. For one thing, the rise in referring to Obama as "Hitler" is a backlash to the image of The One being seen as the Democratic Messiah. As all good Christian tea-baggers are aware, if Obama is your messiah- then count us as politically Jewish (in that we are still waiting for a Republican Messiah...an Abraham W. Reagan if you will). Also the democrats started it, so if you can’t take the heat then don’t start making references to the oven.

The Nazi claim stems from the universal fear of Eugenics; which to be fair is the culmination of science, health-care, socialism, and Hollywood-style good looks (all things I’ve been railing against for years). If the government starts to oversee Health Care they will have to maintain their budget by overseeing who is approved for what types of operations and treatments. As the Government starts to slowly control these Death-spitals (6) they have to start limiting the treatment given to Americans who aren’t as “prosperous” to our overall society. So pretty soon it’s “sorry Grandma, gotta pull the plug! Obama’s Death Panel said you’re Christmas cookies just weren’t good enough so better luck next life!!”. Now what do we have, folks? We got our typical white grandmothers being sent to the grave because some black man wants t—Alright, one last point.

Lastly, some (by “some” I mean Jimmy Carter, obviously) have said that this debate isn’t even necessarily about healthcare at all and that it’s just all racism. That’s ridiculous. As can be seen by photos from the Tea-Bagging there were numerous minorities (i.e. Black people) who are also against Socialized healthcare AND hate black people in power.

How long must US good ol’ American folk suffer at the hands of some foreign totalitarian oppressor. Never in history has there been a greater example of ..oh fuck it, I’ll just say it….Christian, White Americans being made to feel like a such a victim from liberals, Blacks and Muslims who wanna steal our rights! What did we ever do to deserve this? (7) America, it makes me sick!! Just not sick enough to actually vote for a Public-option.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
1. Code-word for "I'm too lazy to do actual research right now", but I assure you “some” have said this.
2. Specifically the photo of the 1997's Gathering of the Promise-Keepers in Washington DC that was used to pass off as an actual photo from the Health-care protest on September 12, 2009.
3. And that was from a University, folks. I thought liberals looovvved Universities and trusted everything they said?
4. By "libs" I am referring to the 70% of Americans who are for a Public-Option regardless of their political party standings.
5. Same logic applies here.
6. Like a regular hospital expect haunted by the souls of good honest hard working traditional Americans. They will most likely be killed off early on as they own most of the guns.
7. I suppose I could look in a textbook to actually see if there are such examples of White Christians or even White Christian Americans causing immense suffering to other religious or ethnic groups but I feel I’m right and it would just be a complete waste of time….not to mention every time I see that damn monkey-man evolution chart I get so madddd….grrrr… I could just throw my own shit all over that chart!!!!

Ralph Wigglesworth was the Neo-Conservative host of "The Great Debate" from 2006 to 2008. He currently lives in a cabin with a HAM radio and his Golden Labridor named "Oliver North for President". He will soon be releasing "The Jeffersonian Bible 2: Judgment Day" a reverse version of The Jeffersonian Bible made up of only the passages of the New Testament that focus on Christ's miracles and divinity.

A Late-Summer Nights Dream

2009-09-16T07:46:00.000-07:00

The beginning is incredibly hazy.
My youngest brother and I are seated within the old home of our grandparents.
The house the family sold in 2005 after they had both passed that summer.
A couch lined the wall that faces the wide-open window opening up the front of their house.
Adjacent are two recliners.
I was seated in my grandfathers chair and my brother in the other.
Somewhere along the way a cop appeared inside the home in front of the couch.
I immediately stood up in horror and attempted to get him to exit.
He said he was only there to look for a cat.
I informed him that we didn't own a cat so his reason for entering was unjustified.

Outside of the front door on the bottom steps was an orange cat.
His sides were ripped open and bleeding; black and red.
The cats glassy eyes stared intensely with deep fear into an blank abyss.
The eyes of a horror that stems from a life on the brink between life and death.
The eyes that see nothing but the creeping fate of entering the depth of the unknown.

The cat was in such horror that it violently shook its legs.
As in the age of ignorance when a paramedic would grip a child in a seizure, this was a situation where you are accepting of the trauma of the other and know that you will be hurt in your attempt to help.
As such, I carried the bleeding cat into the house as it clawed and scratched me in an attempt to save itself by gripping on to what it knew was real as well as to cope with its suffering.

As the cat laid in the bathtub my brother and the cop used the showerhead to wash the blood down the drain.
The orange cat was now white.

I could feel the pain of the deep clawed scratches in my chest as I stared again into the fearful eyes of the cat.
My brother and the cop talked to each other about the first time they'd seen the face of Timothy McVeigh.

(When I was still half-asleep writing this seemed like a much better idea)

Hitler on Healthcare: An Open Letter to America by Adolf Hitler

2009-08-21T11:14:00.000-07:00

America, you know nothing of my work!
By Adolf Hitler

This September it will have been 70 years since the start of World War 2 and I have to ask: is everyone done shitting on me yet? I understand that when I was in power me and the free-world didn't exactly see eye to eye on everything. However, I do not mean to make this editorial a defense of my beliefs and what I was working for(Viva Deutschland!).

America, I have witnessed my name and legacy screamed by your citizens all over the nightly-news programs as of late and I feel I should speak up to defend my name (and you know this must be serious considering you didn't hear a word from me back when you were busy hanging my buddy Eichmann in the 60s.) Honestly, I don't blame you for that one or the Nuremberg Trials.

If we'd had won the war we definitely would have made plans to rape your precious President Roosevelt and his entire cabinet in a packed stadium during a pay-per-view special while playing "Deutschland Uber Alles" from a trumpet jammed up his crippled asshole!!

I'm pissed at the use of my name and the misinformation of my deeds that has been appearing in the hyperbolic outrage coming from your Town Hall meetings on health care (Granted, I do wish I had thought of the phrase "HitlerCare"-under the Third Reich my people would have swallowed that program up whole if it had a catchy title like that).

So with the state of current events I can imagine what you're thinking; "Well, Mr. Hitler, what do you think of President Obama and his health reform plans?". First, thank you for not yelling and spitting at me. Now if I'm going to stand by my convictions, as I am known for doing, I think since he is a black man he should go hit the showers (Easy, Hitler, easy).

I am personally offended, America(yes, even the Fuhrer has feelings)that you would think your President could ever dream of being seen in the same light as a man such as myself. Sure, we both have charisma, I'll give you that. Oh Wow, you say Mr. Obama had an audience of 200,000 when he spoke at Berlin during his campaign? Well, sorry to burst the love-bubble you live in, Mr. O but you were 60 FUCKIN' YEARS TOO LATE!! I set the mold on that one. And I certainly didn't seen anyone giving you a personalized salute!!

The comparisons between Mr. Obama and myself are being raised daily in these Town Hall meetings across the United States. While I am flattered that it is finally my health care policies that are getting the attention but, I must stress that your President and I have little in common.

For one thing, I would never allow my political opponents and rival lobbyists to misguide and misinform members of the public and then have the media increase the focus on these members so they appear to represent the majority opinion of the country. I would have just had them arrested and shot.

Even Mr. Bush regularly arrested protesters and hindered dissent at his Town Hall gatherings, but as far as being a great dictator neither have gone far enough. You boys are way out of the league of this GerMAN (BAM! Hitler still brings the heat).

I guess the argument is that health care reform institutes more government regulations and therefore more government control. It is hard for a guy who was the leader of what you would call the National Socialists to not be a supporter of Big Government. A move towards Eugenics as television host Glenn Beck has suggested this reform is, I must admit I would be for.

Mr. Goebbels, the only man I ever loved (fuck off, Himmler), I assure you is rolling in his grave with envy over Mr. Beck's level of propaganda.

As far as providing adequate health care options for all of my nation's citizens, I'll be honest I didn't really much care for that. Hell, if you ask me keeping my citizens poor, filthy and disease-ridden rather ended up working in my favor. Like in the case of this Anne Frank I hear so much about, I imagine as she was dying from a Typhus epidemic she would have loved to have had a public option for government heath insurance. Its just too bad Jews weren't citizens no matter how adorable they were. But I digress, its like we used to say back in the day; All is well that ends well in Auschwitz.

Now even if Mr. Obama did realistically suggest having death panels, to believe for a second that the American government could ever dream of pulling off one as efficient as mine is completely laughable. Do you hear me? Laughable! I laugh right in your fucking face, America!!

What would you do with all these sickly bodies once you begin to terminate them? You'd have to build the camps first, install them with large enough incinerators, import all the fuel needed to heat the incinerators, hire government workers to run the incinerators, find trains to ship all these old people to the camps and ....let's just say it takes a lot of planning and work to start killing people the government feels aren't fit to live.

You can't just wake up one day with a wild hair up your ass and start killing off all the retarded babies, elderly and Stephen Hawkings wasting space and tax dollars in your country.

America, you are the real Inglorious Bastards! (look, all my speech-writers are dead, this is as clever as a 120 year-old ex-Dictator gets) If you could please stop using my name in such hyperbole all the time.

Bush is Hitler, Obama is Hitler, everyone is Hitler-we get it. Well, let me make it clear there is only one Hitler (me, HITLER!) and the more and more you drag out my name the less and less my legacy carries any real historical bearing...all too soon I shall be forgotten along with the reality of my regime. The vacancy of the remembrance of a man of such distinguished infamy only leaves room for the space to be filled again. So show some respect, because you wouldn't like me when I'm angry.

Too-da-loo from Argentina, and remember Mr. Obama, as we say in the Tyranny business: Fuck 'em, that's why!
-A. H.

P.S As I reminder that I was just a man and not an unrealistic hyperbolic symbol of tyranny to be misused by political rhetoric I have included a photo of myself at my cutest.

Adolf Hitler was the self-proclaimed Fuhrer and Chancellor of Nazi Germany from 1933 to 1945. He was Time's Man of the Year 1939 and regularly writes anonymous articles for The National Review.

P.P.S. This hasn't been the only shitting on I've been getting. Now I know Hollywood likes to use me as their go-to historical bad guy and dance on my grave but I'm still pissed that this weekend your theaters are going to be packed with Americans watching a revenge fantasy about brutally killing Nazi's. NEWSFLASH: You won the war. Why did it become back in fashion to shit all over Hitler so much? Don't you people have jobs!!

Personally, Tarantino's "Inglourious Basterds" seems to be a little extreme....and take it from someone who made a political career taking everything to the extreme (I used soap made of jews and had human-skin lampshades for Christs sake!). Without turning this into Hitler's Weekend Movie Wrap-up all I'll say is this is film is a Jewish fantasy gore-porn where my beloved Nazis are beaten and brutalized for 2 hours.

To be fair the jews have some good ideas lately. Well, one idea: the re-releasing of Mein Kampf . It was the feel-good book of the 30s (and considering the depression that's saying something). Seriously though, I'd recommend it even if I didn't write it. It is that fuckin' good.

I must admit I have not seen Mr. Tarantino's film as it is hard to get my name on the guest-list of film premiers these days but judging by the trailer it does seem to present an accurate portrayal of myself as I have been known to from time to time slam my fist on a desk yelling "Nein, Nein, Nein, Nein", but goddammit your try and take over the world by being surround by a bunch of incompetent brown-nosers (I called them Brown-shirts because of how far they had their heads jammed up my ass) who care nothing about Germany's bright future and are only concerned with not being the next one the room to catch a bullet behind the ear!!!...so I'll probably see it, but I won't like it!

Remember...

2009-08-20T09:32:00.000-07:00

Fear always presents a good oopportunity to hurry up and cop a feel...

Doesn't this girl...

2009-08-17T10:31:00.001-07:00

look like Michael Cera in a wig?

I think it does [from the band: Nite Jewel]

Thank you, Wikipedia

2009-08-14T13:23:00.000-07:00

"Big Ass is currently one of the most popular bands in Thailand."

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Big_Ass

The Debate over Obama's Birth Certificate is Journalism's Death Certificate

2009-07-28T09:06:00.000-07:00

BREAKING NEWS: Journalism is Dead!
By
Joel Straley

With the passing of Walter Cronkite, the most recent passing in the Summer of Death, a lot of attention (and by a lot I mean an amount so moderate it barely justifies me writing this article) has been paid to what it means to be a journalist. Not just a journalist, but a journalist of integrity. However, there is no integrity left in journalism.

The need to maintain profits grows as newspapers struggle to maintain relevance in a world dominated by the internet and fight their way through the overabundance of information that is contrasted with the public's shrinking attention span. This, among other factors, has all but completely drained journalism of any semblance of integrity. As was undoubtedly proven by the press's coverage of the Bush Administration, but perhaps was a result of other deeper cultural phenomena, almost all journalism today can now be considered as nothing more than yellow journalism.

Politics, as it is presented through the guise of our 24-hour news networks, is so empty today it has created the buzzword "Non-issue". How can an issue that is given the attention of the headlines of our national newspapers and news networks really be considered a "non-issue"? Once something is given attention on the national scope mustn't it then be justified to be a legitimate political issue?

It is indeed a sad state of affairs when an issue is discussed only within the terms of whether or not it even is an issue. Not completely different than Marx's theory of Commodity Fetishism we have basically stretched our capitalistic brainwashing (i.e. the dumbing down of our culture through our culture) to our politics to such a degree that even the things we discuss on a public forum have absolutely no substance.

It is news that isn't news, a discussion that lacks anything to discuss.

The current discussion (Discussion between who? Give me a break, it is not even possible to take this discussion serious for more than 2 minutes tops!) of Obama's birth certificate is considered to fall in the category of being a "non-issue" because there is no action to be taken once an outcome is reached.

If it is discovered that Obama was born in Kenya, a country he had never even visited until 1988, are we then expected to remove the President of the United States from office or are we to just shake our fists and mutter "oh, that damn Obama, he tricked us good"?!?!

By presenting this story at all the News has legitimized this conspiracy theory. A conspiracy theory supported by the same circles that proclaimed Obama to be a secret Muslim/Marxist/Terrorist during his presidential campaign. The irony is that his opponent Senator McCain was actually a lot closer to being born in another country, Panama; however it was on an American military base which is considered American soil and is completely unimportant, so moving on.

Just because one woman at a town hall meeting is applauded for saying something doesn't mean it is now an area of national attention and concern. This issue should have been given the same consideration the press gave Larry Sinclair, a man who claimed to smoke crack and be fellated (codeword for "dick sucked") by then Senator Obama in Chicago, which was almost none (for a good time click the link to his press conferences on Youtube).

In a business of reinforcing rhetoric and buzzwords the press legitimized this group calling for Obama's "real" birth certificate when they named them "The Birthers", thus presenting them as a heavily populated group with an honest concern instead of as the hundreds of racists and disgruntled republicans scattered across the bible-belt that they actually are.

Virtually all of the prominent voices of the movement (although, it is certainly NOT a movement) that sides with the "Birthers" have stated that they actually believe Barack Obama IS a citizen of the United States making the "non-issue" at hand completely irrelevant. Lou Dobbs stated "I believe Obama is a citizen" and Representative Campbell, the co-author of a bill concerning the subject, stated he felt Obama was an "American citizen". Lou Dobbs, as well as others, stand behind the excuse that they are just "asking questions". Here's a question "Why don't you shut the fuck up?".

This claim to be just "asking questions" is used abundantly among holocaust deniers as well as in conspiracy theories regarding the events of 9/11 and the JFK assassination. I am completely an advocate of asking unpopular questions, especially questions that undermine the beliefs of the status quo. However, once you ask said questions, you must be prepared to back them up and stand with them when the contrary answers are presented to you.

During a segment on Hardball Representative Campbell claims that he "cannot see" the birth certificate presented in front of him, completely similar in almost every single way to G. Gordon Liddy appearing on the same show to discuss the very same issue the very day before. Liddy claims that he "cannot see" the birth certificate held up literally right in front of his eyes. Their arguments had been debunked so clearly they had no other option but to sit there and lie.

G. Gordon Liddy goes on to complain that if there is no certificate of live birth within America, then President Obama is a criminal. A criminal? For being a politician withholding information? You mean like G. GORDON LIDDY who spent four and a half years in PRISON for helping a President withhold information from the public?

G. Gordon Liddy IS a convicted criminal! So even if Obama kept watch outside as others went in and falsified his birth certificate G. Gordon Liddy still has ABSOLUTELY(!!)no moral high ground whatsoever!!!!(forever and ever) Fuck this dude! Shouldn't he be fucking dead by now anyway?! His face is as active as those old dudes who used to sit in the balcony and talk shit about The Muppet Show!

One of the only arguments ever made in these segments is that what is presented is not a "Birth Certificate" but rather a "Certificate of Life Birth". While there is a distinction here, those making the claims rarely back it up and just like bickering children stand by their claim as their ignorance shines through their arguments of semantics.

This is almost a step beyond the ignorance that was proclaimed during the Terry Schaivo incident. On the Nightly News during that time many on the Right proclaimed that she could not be "Brain-dead" because there is no such thing. Their reasoning was that if the brain is dead then you're dead. As any medical professional (or even anyone WITH a brain) can tell you there most certainly IS a state of consciousness known as being "Brain-Dead", however the press, as they are doing now, continued to provide a forum for such erroneous assertions.

The nature of debate and the discussions that dominate contemporary politics is going to naturally give some legitimacy to groups who make questionable, ill-informed or even just ignorant claims as they are documented in the press for the knowledge of the public. Some journalists do attempt to debunk these issues as they inform their audiences of their existence. However in some cases, and especially in regards to "non-issues" of which there is little more than just sensationalism to be presented, all the press is doing is getting a claim to be taken more serious by the public than it has any right to be.

In an effort to create an issue where there is none, other than the fact that this has gone as far as being a topic of congressional legislation, the press has sacrificed what little was left of their integrity. As they all spent their time last week honoring legendary journalist Walter Cronkite perhaps the press should now spend some time considering not only what it means to "get it first, but get it right", they should also consider making sure the story is worth "getting" in the first place.

American politics has in the last several years been growing more bitter and dividing as it is saturated with meaningless rhetoric, code-words and an increasing Us vs. Them mentality. The media, as well as our public culture, is sucked into the middle of this focusing its meager attention span on every "non-issue" it can absorb, from the location of Michael Jackson's brain to whether or not the President has a legitimate Birth certificate and not just a Certificate of Live Birth.

With discussions as thrilling and entertaining as those do we really even need to bother asking whether or not the elections in Iran were stolen or why the War in Afghanistan is seeing more American casualties than since the war began or even what is to be done on the insurance company stranglehold on our nation's health care? At least one of these issues is getting some attention in between this meaningless debate.

It's not all fun and games as many Americans face the undeniable and shocking reality of what is reported in the "News". So today as Lou Dobbs and others continue to rant on a Mother is told her son was killed in the war, her home was lost, her job was lost, as well as her medical insurance because of a claim that being hereditarily prone for cancer counts as a "pre-existing condition"; but she can be thankful that Congress is ready to make sure that before you can lead the country to solving any one of those problems we must first be certain than at the Presidents birth his mother's vagina was verifiably certified to be within an arbitrary border.

God bless the USA!

For more information please see: Obama's cheeseburger with Dijon mustard, Miss California, Perez Hilton, Paris Hilton, Y2K, any celebrity scandal ever, etc.

I think Freud was wrong

2009-07-23T08:22:00.000-07:00

Most guys don't want to fuck their mothers, some of us would prefer just to make love.

Seriously, guys...

2009-06-30T14:16:00.000-07:00

Do you think any Iranian kids have been following my Tweets about Michael Jackson dying?

Perez Hilton is a Faggot

2009-06-23T08:08:00.000-07:00

Someone had to say it.
by
Joel Straley

Twitter was used over the weekend as a resource for a young man who had been attacked and was in need of assistance from the police. Of course, this was not from a young protester fighting for change in Iran, it was an American F-list celebrity, who's name is a reference to a D-list celebrity, in trouble in Canada. Perez Hilton currently made "headlines" on the afternoon of a slow Monday after being involved in a fight that followed an argument with Fergie and Will.I.Am of the Black Eyed Peas. (whats the deal with the names of celebrities nowadays? Fergie? Will.I.Am? Perez Hilton? Where the fuck was Kid Rock or Lady Gaga?). Hilton or Mario, as he is known to his parents and I assume anyone who knew him before the requisite goth to diva transition in High School, used his Twitter account to spread the urgency of his situation.

For any of his "fans" who happened to have been checking up on his Twitter page at 4 on a Monday morning he posted this entry: "I am bleeding. Please, I need to file a police report. No joke". I know ~~celebrities~~...excuse me, people with a high amount of Twitter followers, or Twats, feel like they have a special bond with the bored kids that read their posts but this is absurd. First off, if you can check your Twitter, you can file a police report. If I'm not mistaken the internetz can be used much like the telephone line that has existed perfectly fine since 1876.

I cannot imagine that even Perez Hilton is naive (or lets go ahead and say it: Dumb) enough to actually believe someone would read that and then call 911 and be involved in a conversation that would probably go as follows:

Deranged fan Perez hopes exist: "OhMiBlog! Perez is in trouble! Hello, 911?"

Poor dispatcher that has to take the call: "Yes, state your emergency"

DFPHE: "Um, according to his recent Twit Perez Hilton is bleeding somewherez in Canada"

PDTHTTTC: "Ok, are you a friend of the injured?"

DFPHE: "According to Myspace, Facebook and Twitter; yes. In real life I saw him once at my Cousin's 16th Birthday Party at the Hamptons last year, the Jonas Brothers played because, like, her dad owns a dealership"

PDTHTTTC: "Where is this person now?"

DFPHE: "OMG! Srzly, you guys! I don't know, his post ended at 140 Characters! Duh!"

(dial tone)

Perez Hilton was punched in the back of the head by the Black Eyed Peas tour manager...or some shit, the details are totally irrelevant. Perez Hilton was greeted by Will.I.Am who said something along the lines of "Hey, I'm Will.I.Am, you may remember me from not being Barack Obama in those 'Yes We Can' youtube campaign videos, or from CNN's magic hologram machine. I noticed you have a blog, could you do me a favor and not say I'm a douchebag and then draw a Microsoft Paint-style cock in my mouth, Thanks! I hope we can be friends!". To which Perez Hilton seriously replied "You know what, I don't respect you and you're gay and stop being such a faggot". I can only imagine that Perez was attempting to insult Will.I.Am while wearing an extra-small shirt, pink flip-flops and a diaper.

Now you may remember Perez Hilton getting all in a twist after making Ms. California a bigger household name than his own a month or so ago. Perez Hilton referred to her as a "Cunt" and a "Dumb Bitch" after she answered his question about Prop 8 by saying she only believed in "Opposite marriage".

When you ask someone a question like that they can respond only with "Yes, I agree with it", "No, I don't agree with it" or "I don't really care". Ms. California apparently gave Perez Hilton the wrong answer, nevermind how irrelevent it was to her possible position as Miss Noone-gives-a-shit. Again showing how egotistical he is, he tries to stand up for homosexuals, as if he actually expected a different answer from a white-bred suburban-raised conservative rich girl, while completely neglecting the manufactured misogyny thats allowed to be so prevalent at those competitions (as well as from Perez Hilton himself). You know what Ms. California didn't say: "I think we should have marriage for opposites and not for faggots". Perez Hilton would have shit in that diaper he wears if she had. Of course she didn't say that, only a defender of homosexual rights like Perez Hilton is allowed to speak so openly homophobic. If Perez Hilton was EVER(!) considered to be positive for homosexuals in America then Flava Flav is goddamn Martin Luther King, Jr.

I think its time that all Americans come to an agreement on what has been a considerably large elephant in the rooom: Perez Hilton needs to go! We thought Paris Hilton was bad for being famous for being famous, but she at least gave us a popular porn video, Perez Hilton has given nothing! I felt like a douchebag even writing this. We shall never speak of him again starting....NOW!

Oh, and can we agree that the Black Eyed Peas suck too?

All We Fear is Our Fears

2009-06-16T14:07:00.000-07:00

OR: Extra! Extra! Everyone You Know and Love is DEAD!
By Joel Straley

Politics without fear is boring. Fear is an element that drives passion within people. The fear of losing your job, healthcare, civil rights and common moral decency are the back bone to most political issues. The government plays the role of both justifying and easing such fears. Fear is used to both perpetuate and ease tension within the public, from Dick Cheney warning of an imminent nuclear attack in a major city if John Kerry wins the presidential election (oh, thank god we dodged that bullet) to FDR reminding us that we all we have to fear is fear itself (ummm, yeah, that a little group called the fuckin NAZI'S, Frank!).

Throughout our history it can be argued that many of these public fears have been justified. It is abundantly evident to all Americans that the political culture after the events of 9/11 has been saturated with fear to the point of absurdity. But who and what are we really afraid of? Are we justified in constantly taking every threat of sudden death seriously? Who really hates our freedom? What will be this rising doom set to destroy our world as we know it – global warming, nuclear weapons, religious extremists, economic collapse, American Idol, etc. etc. etc.? Through three current cases, I believe it to be that America's 'fears' are perpetuated by their fear. America has always been number one! (duh), and when it comes to fear no one comes close to scaring Americans shitless quite like Americans.

It is no secret that the threat of Swine Flu was/is completely over-exaggerated by the media. Public opinion reflected this as the threat was constantly mocked in social circles. It was the new laughable threat that was going to destroy the world, just as Bird Flu, Y2K and 9/11 had been before it (…too soon?). Virtually no one is able to accept that the deaths from Swine Flu could ever outweigh the annual deaths that arise from the common 'human' flu, and no one has to fuck a pig or a bird (or however we're told these things spread) to get the seasonal flu. I'd like to promise a dollar to all Americans if Swine Flu ever tops the 35,000 annual deaths from seasonal flu, and I would if I didn’t have a slight fear of losing all my money staying honest to a stupid promise written on a blog.

However, if some level of concern was not grounded the story would quickly vanish, instead of taking up daily headlines of its exponentially increasing threat to the world. Even though the chances of actually contracting Swine Flu were (1) so trifling that I didn't even take the time to figure out exactly how many zeros would have to appear after the decimal point, but I can only imagine it’s more than ten and less than a billion. Instead of using simple prevention techniques like washing your fuckin' hands and being cleaner than a 9-year-old Mexican boy on a pig farm, Americans took their fear into their own unclean hands.

As is relatively common-place with Chicken Pox; germophobic(2), overly-protective suburban mothers began throwing "Swine-Flu" parties for their children. And here you thought you wanted to kill yourself while sitting through an office cocktail party. Instead of waiting around for a sickness that they probably would never have contracted anyway, these parents were willing to force themselves and their children to fall victim to the potentially deadly virus they had irrationally feared getting in the first place. They jumped the gun and were willing to give themselves a 100 percent chance instead of the minute percentage that I was too lazy to Google. Apparently it is equivalent to winning the lottery (but really isn't everything?)

So while Americans were busy giving their kids Swine-Flu so the hysteria could continue they were also shitting a brick over the idea of 'Waterboarding'. The American public has been shocked that this had been used against captured combatants being detained by the CIA (yep, that CIA) as an "enhanced inTerrOgation technique" or "haRsh inTerrogation" or "alternative set of procedUREs" or whatever you'd like to call it when you give someone the experience of drowning for a good half a minute up to 183 times.

There was a debate over whether this was productive in gaining useful and accurate information that will help make America more secure (2.5). After all, Mr. Bush and Mr. Cheney claimed that the waterboarding of Khalid Sheikh Mohammed prevented a planned terrorist attack on Los Angeles. The plan for the attack was stopped in 2002, a year before K.S. Mo’(3) was captured in March 2003. This proves that waterboarding is so effective in keeping America safe that not even time can stand in its way.

It seems as almost every time the issue of waterboarding was debated, whether by Sean Hannity and Charles Grodin or by Jesse Ventura and those wild and crazy kids on Fox and Friends, the discussion would revert to “oh, yeah? If it doesn’t suck then try it” “Ok, I will” “then, do it” “I will” “I love America” “I love America too” “if you don’t do it, you hate the troops” “Oh yeah?” "I know you are but what am I?" etc. etc. etc. until someones head explodes!

So as we became so fearful of this procedure and what exactly we were putting detained combatants through many journalists began willing being waterboarded. Virtually, every one of them would ‘bet’ (usually for a charity) that they could last 15-30 seconds and almost all of them would quite before 10 and come out shock and appalled by the procedure (4).

Christopher Hitchens was the first major case, but he was soon followed by Fox News journalist Steve Harrigan, Playboy (wtf?) journalist Mike Guy, journalist and former Military officer Kaj Larsen and radio host Erich “Mancow” Muller. Apparently these guys might not jump off a bridge if everyone else is doing it but they will let their friends pour of gallon water up their nose. The important fact is that only 3 captured individuals (4.5) were subjected to waterboarding by the CIA. Thus, more American journalists have willingly undergone waterboarding than foreign enemy combatants have had it forced upon them.

The issue of waterboarding is, of course, a subordinate of what is arguably America’s greatest ongoing fear: Terrorism. While we have learned that it is easier just to ship Americans oversees and let them be killed out of sight and out of mind in Iraq or Afghanistan rather than on our own soil, the threat of a major terrorist attack on innocent Americans is one of the strongest fears guiding the direction of modern politics.

One of the major examples of a story that attempts to reinforce how well we are protected by the American Government is also one of the most ironic. The 2009 Bronx, New York Terrorism plot was a plot halted by the FBI, that used questionable tactics that can viewed as essentially being entrapment. The FBI had stopped four Muslims from a plan that involved shooting down military planes from an Air Force base and bombing two Bronx Synagogues. These four men were not affiliated with any foreign (or domestic) terrorist group and of them three were American citizens and the fourth was a Haitian immigrant who was bipolar and schizophrenic (According to the New York Times this dude kept bottles of piss in his apartment).

This terrorist plot started with an FBI informant….that’s right, STARTED with an FBI informant spreading the message of Jihad at a Mosque in Newburgh, New York. Since much of the congregation could easily spot that he was an informant they didn’t feel a need to report him to authorities. The informant did get one guy to bite, James Cromitie, then encouraged his anti-Semitism and dreams of martyrdom and let him form a small group of individuals who are all believed to have converted to Islam while in American Prisons. The four chose their own targets, I guess the FBI felt they didn’t want to all the work themselves, and began plotting. They received defunct weapons FROM the FBI, as well as a $700 pistol from gang leader associated with the Bloods. The FBI monitored the men and arrested them after the fake explosives had been placed at the synagogue.

The 24 hour news networks would now allow a gasp/sigh of shock/relief to run through wide-eyed Americans as both a confirmation of their worst fears and the satisfaction that the plan was thwarted before it happened. The FBI could now be applauded for successfully protecting Americans from an attack they helped put in place. Rather than stopping any real foreign enemies motivated by hate and/or extremism the FBI had lucked out by finding four crazy guys and giving them free reign to act crazy. Essentially as Americans fear terrorism from Middle Eastern Muslims, one of the FBIs biggest claims in the War on Terror involved 3 American men who’d converted to Islam in American prisons. This 3 out of 4 ratio is actually less comparatively than the number of 9/11 Hijackers from Saudi Arabia; a country that has seen almost no condemnation from the United States when it comes to terrorism (5).

The continuation and elevating of America’s favorite fears comes in all sorts of cases beyond swine flu parties, waterboarded journalists, FBI approved terrorist plots going even to the negative concerns involved with using Ethanol as an alternative fuel to stop the increase of global warming. It’s no secret that it doesn’t take much to make America shit a brick. BOO!! See how easy that was. At least you can take a nice deep breathe knowing I didn’t tell you your son has a boyfriend, which he just might.

With the Media’s ever-growing obsession with latching on to and perpetuating hysterical newstories we must confront the fact that we are responsible for over-blowing how much concern these fears actually call for. It’s not that these fears are unjustified; the problem is that our fear of them blinds us and allows us to push the level of hysteria they cause to complete absurdity. There are many conclusions to draw from these examples at this point but none more obvious than this: America needs to stop acting like a dog that runs from a deadly threat from behind without ever realizing it's its own tail. At the very least I can always assure you we’ll make it through today, because it’s already tomorrow in Australia(6).

BOO!

1. I’m going to refer to Swine Flu as being in the past tense from now on, because let’s be honest: no one really cares enough to be scared anymore.
2. Interesting fact: the correct term for “germophobic” is “mysophobic”, yet Microsoft Word does not recognize either term. So in a sense Microsoft Word has no concept of a fear of dirt and germs.
2.5 Khalid Sheikh Mohammed has since stated in papers made public on June 15 that he lied and made false confessions to stop the torture....Surprise!!
3. That’s right I’m starting this. So feel free to refer to him by this alias from now on. I hear he loves going by nicknames anyway.
4. This reinforces the old adage: As dumb as a journalist.
4.5 How do you like these P.C. ways of saying "terrorist”? Not bad, right?
5. I won’t go into this now but it has very little to do with President Obama bowing.
6. Appropriated from a quote by Charles M. Schulz

The National-Socialist Manifesto for America:

2009-05-20T23:08:00.000-07:00

(To be mass produced and distributed freely to all schools, banks, churches, bars, whorehouses, union lobbies, political parties and all other communities of good faith)

THE RISE OF THE NATIONAL SOCIALISTS!! HAIL OBAMA!!!

Are you tired of the pejorative use of the term "Socialism", "Fascism" and the high-jacking of the word "Patriot" as well as the right to a love of Freedom?

As fertile youthfully minded leftist Obama supporters plan the future; The National-Socialist Party is their party!
Turn off Keith Olberman and stop yelling at Glenn Beck!
ARISE!!

WE ARE ALL NATIONAL-SOCIALISTS NOW:

Now is the time. Newsweek has proclaimed "WE ARE ALL SOCIALISTS NOW!" While I would never question our proudly liberal media it is true that America has a future that is destined to be made up of more than just your simple European-Laissez-Faire-La-di-Da-Can-I-Borrow-A-Quarter-Socialists under its newly-welcomed Socialist Presidential Administration.

We are Americans! We are Patriotic! We are NATIONAL-SOCIALISTS!! We are one nation UNDER OBAMA! FREE at last!

We mustn't fear a redistribuiton of wealth as we are running low on wealth to redistribute! Our wealth comes from within! We must never forget that we are the ones we've been waiting for! We are all Obama and Obama is US!

CHANGE has come to AMERICA:

We were dying! We cried for help! We demanded an end to the specter that haunted us so severely in recent times.
We prayed for an answer. OBAMA has come as that answer.

AMERICA is restoring its image! Thanks to the rising power of our fearless, charismatic and impossible-not-to-love PRESIDENT we have gracefully returned to being the shining city upon a hill!!

This shall be displayed to all as we wear the symbol of his glorious rising sun as a literal arm-band of honor! Our soft drinks will proudly display this symbol!! We will be reminded of it on billboards of said soft drinks that will reinforce positive phrases like "Joy", "Love" ,"Pop" and "Hope".

However, not all is well. The Democratic Party has a name that is going to be tarnished just as the name The Republican Party is so openly despised today. As members of that Vile Vermin, the first being Arlen "Specter that haunts us", sneak into the new RISING, RULING PARTY of AMERICA we must distance ourselves from those who oppose the CHANGE(!) our fearless leader has promised our GREAT NATION.

We must distance ourselves from all former political parties and create one single party that works for all Americans!!

The NATIONAL-SOCIALIST PARTY! as if that was not already evident by this point.

What About the CHILDREN?:

We must not allow Sarah Palin or Joe the Plumber anywhere near our Children!!! Our Children will be sent to education camps known as "Public Schools" where they will be taught Math, Evolution and Political-Correctness!! They shall wear cute little uniforms every morning as they Pledge their Allegiance!!

The Boy Scouts will forced to allow gays to join in the fun of homoerotic experimentation at summer camps!! They shall now be referred to as the OBAMA YOUTH! Our children will be forced to participate in shameful sex education courses where they will proudly and openly be given condoms!!..For which they will use during premarital SEX!!

Is their HOPE for TOMORROW?:

We are demanding regulations on all evil, greedy, and polluting corporate business!! These qualifications of such terms will be arbitrary as we will hate all companies whose CEO's are old ugly white men whose eyes we do not trust. We call for a Nationalizing of our failing Banks! We are demanding a outlaw on all that capitalism allows us to be harmed!! This includes all physical, emotional, social, financial, intellectual, romantic, mental, spiritual or fictitious pain that can be blamed on a functioning business!! We shall ban Tans-Fats and all Carbs as we Tax our soda! and Finally, We Must undoubtedly have mandatory Minorities in the finalists of American Idol!!

We have already passed S-Chip, the Lilly Ledbetter Fair Pay Act, put a time-table on the Iraq War, purchased a puppy and are moving towards denouncing torture. (allowing our NEW AMERICAN STANDARD to openly affect the lives of children, women, the younger generation to whom we owe so much, the media and common decency). But is this enough as the Republican Party lies in a ditch waiting among us to strike once more? To prevent no future Republican Revolutions, all True-Blue Americans must ask ourselves: What is the final solution to the Republican question?

The CONSERVATIVE QUESTION?

Much has been said of the shrinking Conservative base of the Republican party that has left our beloved country in such a state as it is today. Their Grand Old Party is squiring like rats, after they had feasted on the accomplishments of the preceding more socialist leader(s) who had brought peace and prosperity.

Their party caused division, and distrust amongst our people. Their final leader, with his beady eyes and pointy nose led his rats into our schools and churches and forced us to be poorer and more ignorant than we had been in decades (or at least a little over a half of one decade).

Now they have no country, no home, and have squeaked loudly enough to hear only on one day this year with their pathetic teabags on how they don't even wish to contribute to the growth and upstart of the New Rising Socialist America. Obama's America! An America where our children will be free of a world of Evangelical Conservative Republicans!!

The Evangelical Republican Right Wing of this country whines and complains while playing the role of the victim to garner our sympathy and pity! They are rats and undeserving of our sympathy, our pity, our time or our respect!!

WHAT is to be DONE?

The republicans are TRAITORS! to our country and our handsome PRESIDENT!!! They are not worthy to witness his thrilling and captivating speeches that have United, once again, our UNITED States. They have cost us our image by tearing Iraq into shambles. For this I offer only one solution: American Prisons in Iraq...for all TRAITORS!!!

They have utilized secret prisons in Europe and have proudly displayed to the world the atrocities of Abu Ghraib and Guantanamo Bay. I offer no other option but to separate these TRAITORS from The Socialist Nation of Obama and use their own tax dollars to separate and contain them within their own prisons.

For those who wish to not support the NEW RISING SOCIALIST AMERICA through their taxes, they shall be blacklisted and forced to earn the money that they would owe in taxes by collecting all that trickles down in newly built LABOR CAMPS(!!) that will also be built not only with their money....but OUT of their money!!!

YES, THAT IS CORRECT! The GREEDY and covetous rats, that are the remaining Republicans who slither around us, will be held in camps made entirely of bricks bound out of the cotton that is our legal tender.

As sickness spreads through these heathens we will offer no health care options. By which, we must be very careful with how we define the term "universal". Their hardest workers can pick themselves up from their bootstraps and teach themselves how to be doctors! If this does not occur we shall allow them once a week to gather where they can pray to their 6,000 year old god, whose name we shall no longer capitalize, for a cure to their illnesses.

Those who act out inside the labor camps will face the wrath of a newly stated military policy!! For we shall remove "Don't ask, Don't Tell" and it shall be replaced with "Try it, You Might Like It" where homophobic dissenters will be forced to have a homosexual experience ....and with a black man(!) who they will refer to only as My Commander-in-Chief.

We shall openly reject their plan to place Ronald Reagan (whose name makes NEW SOCIALIST AMERICANS vomit) on the 10 Dollar bill. His face is not worthy of our toilet paper and will be outright banned on reasons of unwarranted dissent alone!

AN END to DISSENT:

All Dissent will now be strictly controlled. All Ayn Rand books will be collected and shat in for being as stupid as they are long and boring!!! During any open protests we shall surround the dissenters and parade them with cheers of OBAMA! OBAMA! USSA!

No, fuck it, We must PUT AN END to DISSENT ALTOGETHER!! We must hurry and pass the Fairness Doctrine silencing the radio voice that speaks ILL of our PRESIDENT and promotes propaganda that could inhibit our ultimately socialist goals.

All American Cheeseburgers will be sold only with Dijoun Mustard!! No regular mustard shall be permitted as its color represents cowardice. Ketchup shall not be permitted as its RED is a reminder of two things that induce nausea and discontent in the stomachs and hearts, respectively, in all TRUE NEW NATIONAL-SOCIALIST AMERICANS. Fore, It is the color of the burning political right wing, and its brand is associated with Sen. Kerry who failed to lead us or his swift boat buddies to any thing close to victory! We must make it mandatory that they are never served without a side of FASCIST fries, presented solely to ween the public on the idea that FASCISM in AMERICA is DELICIOUS!!

IS this a CALL TO ARMS?

THIS IS A CALL TO ARMS!!! WE SHALL LEAD THE WAY TO A NEW SOCIALIST EMPIRE in our bumper-stickered Volvos that exhaust fumes of rainbows and sunshine while holding our new Starbucks Travel companion carrying packs (yeah, did you hear about that? They're fuckin sweet...and we get like 12 espressos! I know!!)!!!

Hail OBAMA! and God Bless the USSA!

YES WE CAN! and WE WILL!

-Joel Straley, 2009

Teh Ebeo riet emeth hpiti

2009-05-18T16:14:00.000-07:00

1: An Avant Garde Essay
2: The Same Avant Garde Essay Spell-Checked

Teh Ebeo riet emeth hpiti
Bi
Jole Srtaylie (1)

Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetur adipiscing elit. Sdfgh gh heii ieqe dwe hqq gie, eqeqjeqe. Eqjjnncm qkfghbb. Po kipre eqeqqwqw; pul.l :;:

Bqwq no cpoc loe jeld. Whahee Ksa lloe owwe bndge. Qoup il cppr gib fruo qpp rmrkbly dffrntly fmro teh ed let, antp-et ad tainst lal re: regimes. Quisque sed libero vel elit porta pharetra id ac nibh. Ekio there sure as fuck is nothing hidden in here. powhre si si is aha stil ardsbk. Crkuon a()p [kil ppl. kll ppl. kil pepl. kil popl. kill people. ys] G'n'f'n'r. Quyu ipso ajp X. sa ope oiik area51 swsep khhjol. Appl Bnn Crrt Dte Eveerm.

A bst ni eak ao pp, clitz ak47 sttres vctio flal . Twix PB. Arcn peffe ieo sitt ot povr proves ym fthar ea keff e.g. i.e. CC: What, no [i]Lord Krishna von Goloka[/i]?

Dieter Moebius and Hans-Joachim Roedelius rea lturesp, like carrots in a blender.

Eveerm khhjol sa ope oirk worf to yr mthr. Bqwq il cpprcpoc ldnbn sperber kerber yoshi kurby pucket, nibh nhlits dedicated to P,L&D. reurst itts. ld; on {teh rd of stdnt life} five "Pro-situs".

Unniosdens etus metus vestibulum tellus.

XXX YYY ZZZ. YYZ.

TRANSLATED (to the best of Spell-Checks ability):

The Ebeo riet emeth hpiti
By
Joel Straley (2)

Morel gypsum dolor sit mate, consecrated disciplining elite. Afghan ugh heist Ieyasu wed hdqrs gite, Po kipped; pool.l :;:

BBQ no epoch floe held. Whale Ska. sloe ow we badge. Soup ail ppr big four app remarkably differently form the ed let, ant-set ad taints cal re: regimes. Quisling tied libero veil elite portal pharaohs id ac nigh. Eskimo there sure as fuck is nothing hidden in here. powder see sigh is aha still arduous. Cronus a()p [keel pal. kill cpl. kiln peel. kilt pool. kill people. yes].G'n'f'n'r. Query tipsy. ajar X. Isa ope oink area51 sweep. Apple Bananas Carrot Date. Everyman.

A best nee each Mao pp, blitz ak47 stares action flail . Twix PB. Arch deffer video tits to poverty proves my farther ea eff e.g. i.e. CC: What, no [i]Lord Krishna Von Molokai[/i]?

Dieter Amoebic and Hans-Joachim Delius era culture, like carrots in a blender.

Evermore as ope irk wolf to yr mother. Pale ail. Baldness sperm. Gerber Yoshi Kurd bucket, nibs The Slits (dedicated to P,L&D). Reuters mitts. old; on {the road of student life} five "Pro-suits".

Unoffensive fetus mutes vestigial tells.

XXX YUM ZZZ. YNEZ.

Women Who Fuck Like Men: An Essay Concering the Creampie

2009-05-06T23:42:00.000-07:00

And How It Relates To The Goals Of The Feminist Movement
By
Joel Straley

I declare that women, or as more often is the case, female adult-film stars, who partake in the act of receiving male ejaculate inside their vagina, in what is known in pornography as a "creampie", are dramatically pushing forward the ideals of feminism. What is supposed to be a pornographic niche is exposing new ways women are taking control of their bodies.

It can be said that this has occurred throughout all of history, even though it has only been made relatively safe within the last century. However it is now a popular part of a specific form of entertainment, which means once it becomes a more popular topic of discussion it will be closer to reaching broader acceptance in society at large.

This is, of course, when viewing this act as nothing more than a form of pleasure. I can imagine many women reading that line and asking themselves "how exactly are they deriving pleasure from this?". Well, I don't know what pleasure women get from having a penis in their mouth either, but a lot claim that they do and I'm not about to dispute it. Either that or my whole life has been a lie. I digress.

In this case I am defining feminism as the ideology that encourages the breaking down of gender barriers and allows more equality between men and women in a societal view. To make more clear, allow me to break down the conventional views of both genders reproductive organs and how this interplays with the societal view of the sexual phenomena of "the creampie".

A creampie being a pornographic term for the act that fetishizes the most basic human interaction that causes procreation to the point that it is considered obscene and graphic.

While almost a majority of males arrogantly take pride in their reproductive organs, from displaying them in cartoon forms everywhere they can to bragging about their size to occasionally being an extension of their ego, an almost equal majority of females often feel shame regarding their reproductive organs until coming to terms with their vagina.

I would imagine that women feel pride more in the purpose of their organ in relation to child birth than it as an organ for pleasure. In the case of men they almost never regard their penis as a "source of future human life".

There is seldom a 'coming to terms with' period when males adjust to their gender (This can be seen in Freud's theory of Penis envy by young girls). This is something that as time moves on is being more confronted and more discouraged. This explains the overwhelming success of forums such as The Vagina Monologues that openly confront female issues concerning what is often a shame that is unnecessarily attached to the vagina.

In my opinion, I would suggest it has to do with the form of the object and how it relates to the concept that our minds created for it. In other words, since the concept of the 'vagina' carries such weight in the human mind, there is a gap in confronting the realities that it is nothing more than a dividend between the legs.

This should not be seen in anyway to demean the concept of the vagina and its overwhelmingly important role within humanity. I'm simply suggesting that our concept of the vagina is contrasted between what we know about its purpose and its physical appearance. And out of this contrast comes many of our preconceptions of it.

On the other hand, the penis is the opposite both in its perceived concept and its physical form. It is essentially the biological opposite, as instead of being a sexual organ consisting of a flesh tube with two ovaries on the inside, it is a flesh tube on the outside displayed with two testicles.

Shame is something that one can easily detach themselves from, since if one easily can detach themselves from their present state shame quickly fades. So as many women maintain a self-conscious connection to their vagina, men, more often than not, mentally detach themselves from their penis.

One of the most dramatic and extreme examples of this is in the cases of rape where a man detaches himself from his penis so far that he is in fact using it as an outside weapon. This is shown in the well-documented fact that rape is almost always about power rather than sexual gratification.

It can be seen now how women cannot obtain the same detachment to that degree, yet the act of the 'creampie' is pushing women in that direction. The act of rape is obviously the extreme of this, and it should be noted that detachment is in no way a negative action. A detachment for one's reproductive organ, it can be argued, is the entire mental pre-requisite for sex and in particular sex for pleasure.

Since we all understand that the act of giving a 'creampie' is the essential act of creating human life this attachment to the concept of their vagina by women and detachment of the penis by men becomes even more clear. One of the main interest of feminist thought is to confront and disprove the unfair and often ignorant views that are placed upon women. One such view is that women are prudish when it comes to sexual relations. This is constantly reinforced in television, movies and virtually all areas of entertainment with the overwhelming (and fairly obvious) exception of pornography.

Anyone, male/female/ect., who has had sexual relations with any female ever can certainly claim that the enjoyment was reciprocal with all parties regardless of gender. Women who are more comfortable with their bodies as a whole, and having less shame and more pride about their vagina tend to be more open about engaging in sex. This is not to suggest that it causes an increase of promiscuity, which would clearly be based on other, and at this point in the discussion; irrelevant, variables.

One obvious reason that such a stereotype and misconception exist is based on an obvious truth. This truth is the fact that any time a women has sexual intercourse with a man she runs the risk of carrying this mans child, even with protection. In unprotected conditions a "creampie" is the clearest path to this predicament, as everyone knows, but not to downplay the act of conception. The case of a man leaving a women to carry the child alone are vast and beyond the point of even being a shocking statistic anymore. This only further reinforces the male detachment from what is caused by his penis and the strong attachment that is inherent in the females concept of her vagina.

Creampies are generally practiced with caution and concern and are probably thought of by many as nothing more than an appeal to a specific fetish demographic within pornography. While not necessarily removed from all shame in regards to their body, pornographic actresses are clearly less self-conscious about exposing and utilizing their bodies in such a way. It is arguable amongst feminist on whether pornography is championing or degrading women.

However the feminist movement prides itself on supporting reproductive rights for women and supporting technology that expands it such as the birth control pill and safe medical procedures like abortion. The existence of these achievements for women that are praised by the feminist movement is exactly what the phenomenon of the 'creampie' is reliant upon. This is pleasurable, not procreative, sex and the right to the enjoyment of the body fully utilizing these achievements. It is in a way a logical progression whether it is viewed as such in society or not.

When Margaret Sanger was fighting for the right and acceptance of birth control in our society I'm sure the act of pornographic 'creampies' wasn't what she had in mind, yet I would argue that if she had given it some thought I doubt she would be against it. It has allowed women to, in a sense, triumph over nature for what can be viewed as simply a bizarre fetish.

While methods of safe sex allowed women to move forward in a grounded and scientific sense, this pornographic niche is allowing women to move forward in a broader conceptual sense, which many will agree is the ultimate goal of feminism anyway with its support for openness towards gender and sexuality.

When women begin to fuck as openly and indiscriminately with their bodies as men often do, and I mean this in many different degrees, then they shall truly be more able to openly express and accept themselves and their bodies without shame.

It should be noted that the author does not consider himself to be a feminist and has never owned a "This is what a feminist looks like" shirt, however he does own a "I Heart Boobs" shirt to support Breast Cancer awareness.

Lady Godiva is Naked

2009-05-05T11:27:00.000-07:00

by Joel Straley

That girl on the horse is naked
Who cares what she’s saying

The voice of Lady Godiva in no one’s eyes can I find
I’m too busy peeping at your body to pretend to care for your mind
A myth I’d rather not believe
From now until I step in the grave I’ll never leave

S/he leads a life similar to mine
But I’m sure s/he is much more satisfied
I feel our passion derives from thinking
But it’s easier to get the same feeling from drinking
Such a sad state of affairs
When affairs in the state is the only way anyone will care
Let down your hair, Kick off your shoes
Everyone’s screaming a different version of the blues
Just keep buying world wars and forbidden sex
Cause isn’t power and wealth how we’re taught to measure success?
Why even bother to pretend we can feel
And focus on any meaning in existence that’s real
Any institution that’s offering you freedom
Is just a master beating you so you know that you need ‘em

Keep me occupied with Coca-Cola and masturbation
And I won’t realize all that you’re taking

Lady Godiva may be dead and no one can recall what it was she said
But I guess it’s alright because isn’t she still naked?

Dear Glenn Beck, Go eat a dick. Sincerely, Everyone

2009-04-10T13:58:00.000-07:00

A wiser man than I once said "How much dick does one have to suck to be hated by both the far left and the far right, as well as ridiculed by your own network for a constant barrage of stupid, ridiculous bullshit?". I assume this was meant as rhetorical. At least it was before the arrival of Glenn Beck.

Sure laughing at Glenn Beck can be fun. Take it away Shepard Smith, but then lets get serious with an Open Letter to Glenn Beck.

Dear Glenn Beck,
Just like you always say I'm trusting my gut as I write this to you. Its like when you said "you know how people say 'Well, I should've known he was a serial killer, my dog didn't like him", well as stupid of a phrase as that is, I agree that we do, to some degree, need to follow our emotional instincts.

I have two main reasons why I cannot trust your gut however and it has nothing to do with the fact that your fat pudgy face and disgustingly long ears give the creeps. First off, you're a recovering alcoholic, just like George Bush, although you haven't quite traded in an addiction to alcohol for an addiction to power and control to the full extent he did.

You claim that you used to get home every night and drink a full tall glass of Jack Daniels-also Bush's drink of choice, and isn't that just precious? I'll admit I like Jack Daniels more than the next guy, but my god is that a lot of alcohol. Being a recovering alcoholic is great and all (personally I couldn't give a shit - actually I would, so please ask) but the thing that many alcoholics have in common is a tendency to have uncontrollable emotions.

Take a look at the guy in this video:

and the guy in this video:

Now tell me if you think this guy has a strong hold on his emotions and is offering rational and intelligent arguments to his audience or if he is just crazy and hopped up on ideas based on platitudes that don't offer much, if anything, beyond the surface.

Reason number two: You're a Mormon (when I spell-checked this the other option was 'moron'). Its clear I'm no fan of religion but Mormonism is not something that can be easily defended when facing rational arguements and empirical evidence, even by the religious. Mormonism is one bad science fiction novel away from being Scientology. The founder of Mormonism, Joseph Smith, was so full of shit he couldn't even tell the same story twice.

Glenn, I'd like to start a new term of endearment for you: Freak boy. As that is what you referred to your Mormon friend when he asked you if you were converting to Mormonism. Like always, you stuck to your values annnnndddd cut to six months later when you fell for Mormonism hook-line-and-sinker and proclaimed "I don't care if there is kool-aid down in the basement. I'm drinking it". Then you were baptized and all of a sudden God ...I mean your agent called and the rest is history. And as you grew in popularity the death-rattle of rational thought in America grew louder.

And here we go again:

Since you used to be an alchy (as in alcoholic-not alchemist, not to suggest that you're any less crazy than they were), let me give it to you straight: Glenn, you're a pussy. Of course crying over a fear of "losing your country" doesn't make you a pussy, or crying before you interviewed Sarah Palin doesn't make you a pussy, or crying about finding your faith doesn't make you a pussy but--wait no, actually all of these DO in fact make you a pussy. But there is a lot to be said for showing real emotion in front of an audience (remember what John Gibson said about Jon Stewart? Yeah, me neither. Who was that guy again?).

So, Glenn, when you "follow your gut" not only do you come off as a pussy, but you also come off as a creep...because YOU ARE ONE! Like when
you said "I've got some time and a camera, why dont you stop by" to US Weekly reporter when discussing the damage done to celebrities reputations as a result of the posting of their private nude photos on the internet.

Not only are you a pussy and a creep, you're also an asshole...and by asshole I mean very bigoted and prejudice, and now before you interrupt me to count the number of "black friends" you have lets watch a clip.

How can you even take yourself seriously as a political commentator when you ask a Muslim-AMERICAN to defend the actions of relatively small number of Arabic Muslims? I hate to ask this - but you are an asshole who is tyrannical about your opinions and have sharp blue eyes and pale white skin and are emotionally uncontrollable....so I really have to ask, Glenn, are you a Nazi? Come on, Glenn, come on and prove me you're not working with our enemies. I mean you do want to control who votes, like when you said "When people go in and they're so stupid they just want change for change sake. That's when we really should say "you voting? not so much". Which makes me think maybe you should read up on the views of Thomas Jefferson before you release your version of Thomas Paine's Common Sense.

How about Instead of re-writing and updating a book by a man who most certainly would hate the fuck out of you, might I suggest a better idea: Go fucking kill yourself! If there is any hope in stopping the anti-intellectualism in America that could potentially damage the mental evolution of our society you must suck it up, be a martyr and take yourself out.

There are several ways you could do it. You could bow out like the radical revolutionary you fantasize about being when you're quietly masturbating and waking up your poor, poor wife. "Glenn, what was that?" and they you say "I don't probably a raccoon" - "No I meant the shaking of the bed" - "I didn't notice anything" -"Are you jerking off to the constitution again?" "What? No, that was one time" And then she makes some off-hand comment about how the closest you'll ever get to being an American revolutionary is the fact that you're a minuteman.

If you want something easier you could pull off a suicide-by-cop and force the law enforcement that works for the government you hate so much to take you out. This certainly worked for Jesus. Look at all that came from his death and he only had 12 friends, imagine what you could accomplish with your ignorant-ass fan-base.

You could even make a big scene out of it as you go screaming and hollering in front of the Capital building in a glorious teabagging of Washington (how often do you have to mention that you want to 'teabag Washington? I mean, are you trying to be a joke?).

But you won't do this because as we've already gone over, you're a pussy. You're the real coward, that you labeled the 9/11 hijackers to be.

So lets see: Pussy? check. Creep? check. Bigoted Asshole? Check, but what about just a pure racist, do you think you're one of those too Glenn? Well, actually you are by your own reasoning you are a racist.

On your show in 2007 you were discussing a story about Jesse Jackson claiming that Barack Obama was "acting white" and you stated that this was an "unbelievable racist statement". If this was unbelievably racist then what does that make you when on your own radio show on February 12, 2007 you stated "I saw the piece with him on 60 Minutes and I thought to myself 'he is..he's very white in many ways' and I thought to myself gee, can I even say that without someone else starting a campaign saying "What do you mean he's very white?' He is, he's very white". Of course this is akin to Rush Limbaugh's "Barack the magical negro" song that claims that Obama is not as black as Snoop Dogg or Flava Flav. I'm sure if he gave a shit, Obama would apologize to you for not living up to the exaggerated stereotypes that you see other races as.

All of this hypocrisy and inconsistency in your beliefs becomes a bit of a problem as you try and present the news and "educate" your viewers. Its a big leap to think that you are "educating" anyone, especially from someone who once said "World War 1 was started by the death of Archduke Ferdinand from who knows where" and the fact that in your book you have to tell your readers that Gyorgy Lukacs is not.."the Star Wars guy". Who needs to listen to an educated intellectual elitist when some asshole who scares you shitless over a beer will give you all you need to know about politics (Mexicans want your jobs, Chinese want your economy, Arabs want you dead, and Europeans think you're stupid).

So the audience you are targeting is not one of the highest caliber in terms of education and their familiarity with current events....and I think you'd be hard-pressed to deny this with your constant disdain for intellectualism. On top of all of this ignorance you are using the guise of being an "everyman" to instill deep fear into your viewers with your absurd and overly dramatic rants that you give on an almost daily basis. And after these rants you give off a glow that makes me think you view yourself as fuckin' modern day Patrick Henry (that's the Give me liberty or give me death guy, Glenn).

You are consistently putting the blame of ignorance and the violence that is carried out as a result of ignorance and fear on popular culture and the liberal media. To be fair though, I will admit that the things you mention on your show aren't all that drastic from the other commentators on your network, and it is shocking to think that your network dominates the top 3 positions in the nightly cable news race.

Of course to give you the blame for the actions of people that can be written off as "crazy" and an inevitable consequence that comes with a free society is unfair. Yet with political opinion carrying such emotionally weighted issues do you really think we should forgo rational debate for a form of anti-intellectualism that bases its arguments on fear, faith and emotions alone.

You're so busy blaming others as your face appears on numerous magazine covers and television shows while also spending each day ranting for three hours on the radio, one hour on TV, on the internet as well as publishing books, I can fully understand why you don't seem to have the time to reflect and realize that you are the evil you're warning about. I know how much you love Worst-Case Scenarios, so lets say the whole world becomes a crazy dystopia similar to the Left Behind series and I'm suddenly hiding in a trench gripping my AK-47 waiting to blast away some illegal immigrant, terrorist, or just a funny named minority, how innocent would you feel?

It would probably wouldn't matter to you. Because you're clearly a sadist. (and back to you being ignorant, how dumb do you look saying Obama is building "bridges to nowhere")

It does make you wonder what pushes people to be so fearful that must go out and kill others who are different than them, doesn't it?
WHERE DO PEOPLE GET THESE IDEAS, Glenn?

You're a pussy, a creep, a racist, an asshole and an ego-maniac who cannot and should not be trusted. Go eat a dick.
Sincerely,
Everyone.

The Audacity of Racism by Ralph Wigglesworth

2009-04-05T23:54:00.000-07:00

A year ago at this time 3 young men by the names of Lenny Thompson, John Johnaldson and Ralph Wigglesworth penned their one and only series of essays under the name "Point-CounterPoint-NoPoint". It was meant to appear in an issue of Bowling Green, Ohio's Only and therefore best Zine The Jist. But before it was published we had them on our show and we think we pissed them off-or they didn't have enough printing space-or something but either way the essays were never printed. They each involved us discussing the then-relevant issue of Barack Obama's pastor Reverend Wright. So without further adieu here is the Ralph Wigglesworth's contribution.

The Audacity of Racism
by Ralph Wigglesworth

Its that time of year again, the flowers are blooming, the snow is melting and the democrats are out hating America. In case you haven't seen Fox News lately allow me to get you up to speed- Barack Hussein Obama is a racist. Actually that isn't completely true. To be honest with you I don't who Obama is or what he stands for. All I know is he is a "black" man who gets a lot of young people all hopped up and intoxicated on messages of "hope" and "change". Somehow this message of "hope" and "change" is enough of a reason to get your vote, I mean let's not forget how badly Chester A. Arthur lost in 1832 with the campaign message of "more of this shit".

So how do I, as a conservative commentator, truly get to know who Obama truly is? To find what sort of values someone holds I suggest first looking at ones church. Apparently I am not alone in this as every thirty seconds on any cable news channel you can now proudly hear the wise words of Mr. Osamas....sorry typo...Obama's minister Mr. Rev. and since liberal university's love his brand of hate speech probably also Dr. Jeremiah Wright. Oh and by the way I used the word "wise" as a form of sarcasm because I really meant idiotic and I was told that when it comes to irony the kids eat that shit up.

Now what exactly does Obama's Reverend have to say - Well, look, I'll spare you from reading what this man has had to say but I'll let you know that it is nothing but anti-Americanism, Antisemitism, racism and pure San Francisco brand hate speech at its finest. These sermons will shock you to your core. This man, Jeremiah Wright, is just Jeremiah Wrong on every issue he brings up. This man, who might I add was the reverend at Obama's wedding (to a woman oddly enough), has claimed that America killed more Japanese in one day in 1945 than we lost on 9/11. Mr. America-Hater also states that Hillary Clinton will never know what its like to be called a Ni- (umm well you know the word that goes here--- you know, its like that character in Huck Finn "Blank" Jim).

He also claims that the Government introduced HIV to, and I quote "means of genocide against people of color". Look here Mr. Wright if the government was to introduce HIV it would be to take care of the gays, no matter what color they are.
Oh no, was that offensive? Well, its right out of the bible (Leviticus 18:22), the same bible that Mr. Wright loves to use against America. Now I'm not one to dispute what the Bible says but I can assure you that nowhere in the bible will you find "God Damn America", even though I do so dream of a bible that directly mentions America (but not like that stupid Book of Mormons).

I don't know if I've mentioned this but Jeremiah Wright is black, i mean like scary black, and as a result he is at war with the white man. As a white man I'd like to remind Mr. Wright that this is AMERICA not AFRICA. But it doesn't matter because Mr. Wright is one of those I-just-don't-give-a-fuck black guys. Mr. Wright reads his bible with his blinders on saying such things, as "Jesus was a poor black man", now tell me one time you've been at your grandmother's house and saw a portrait of a Jesus with skin of coal and hair like wool. That's right you can't. Lets break this statement down folks, are you trying to tell me when Jesus said "turn the other cheek" he might have actually said "Tizzle the other chizzle"? Highly unlizzikeable.

Now to be fair Obama has stated that he does not entirely agree with Mr. Wright's sermons. Now why would you go to church and learn about things you don't believe in? I understand that many people say "oh well I think when the bible says 'blah blah blah', I think it really means this...." - well those people will burn in hell. Since a young age I've been an avid bible reader, church goer, and have just always had an all around hard-on for the teachings of Jesus Christ. And if Jesus had heard these sermons he'd shit his fucking loin clothe, as I hope most Americans have.

Wait- isn't Obama a muslim anyway? Again, I don't know where this guy stands, he used to wear a turban, he was an atheist in college and now he worships a militant black jesus. When it comes down to it, all I can really be sure of about Obama is that he's just another Democrat who hates the U.S. Recently, Michelle Obama has stated that she's finally proud of America, and if Rev. Wright is who our presidential candidates learn their values from then I am sadly no longer proud of America. When it comes to voting day, you can be sure that there are no crazy preachers supporting McCain (well, if you don't count Pat Robertson, John Hagee, John Parsely ,Jerry Falwell,... ).

BIO: Mr.Wigglesworth holds a Bachelors degree in RabbleRabbleRabble. Mr. Wigglesworth is a former stand up comic who has been a co-host of The Great Debate since Jan. 2007. In August 2008 after the departure of John Michaelson, The Great Debate's former conservative commentator, and a realization to the "lessons of 9/11" Mr. Wigglesworth swore his allegiance to the Republican Party and is now the resident conservative commentator on "The Great Debate".

The Great Debate Radio Program aired every Tuesday at 10 PM on 88.1 WBGU FM and streaming at wbgufm.com

Anarchy in the RNC

2009-04-02T08:53:00.000-07:00

Politically, I consider myself to be an anarchist. As an anarchist I believe in absolute freedom for all individuals, which reminds me I should probably stop using capital letters as it may make the other letters feel inferior and like there is a hierarchy to be followed.

I am always surprised how quickly people are offended by the term and how fast they jump in to defend the system that secures their imprisonment mentally, physically and spiritually and has offered them very little in return. Anarchy is the only system that demands no sacrifice of those values we pretend we believe in: liberty, freedom and justice. Nonetheless I enjoy political debate, specifically within American politics as it is usually, to put it bluntly, fucking crazy.

Politics for me is a lot like sports...except instead of tossing back and forth a ball, we're using the lives of the lower and middle class

I am by no means a Republican. Personally I feel far-right conservative beliefs fail on every single major issue for one simple reason...they justify the needs of the self first and then move outward, while far-left liberal beliefs focus on the needs of society as a whole first and work inward to fulfill the needs of the individual. Conservatism also aligns itself with traditional values that in a larger view cannot be upheld for a significant period of time as society naturally progresses forward. To be fair, the liberals of today will be the conservatives of tomorrow.....and the conservatives of today will be dead and mocked.

While spouting out satirical ramblings as Ralph Wigglesworth on WBGU's best satirical political talk program airing at 10pm on Tuesday nights I sent my email address to the RNC. Now I get all kinds of fun stuff in my inbox, for example all of the lovely John Mccain emails that began with "My friends"-ohhh, that never got old.

I recently received the RNC 2009 STATE OF THE REPUBLICAN PARTY SURVEY and it was awesomely ludicrous. Since i feel Republicans have surprised everyone by only getting dumber and more delusional since losing the 2008 election I decided to answer them as if I was a serious rational conservative (HA!)- somewhat, anyway. I cut the boring stuff, but as you will see the survey is filled with loaded questions written in a way so that your average dumbass will know what answer it is they're looking for.
For the record, I fuckin' hate Ayn Rand. Well, not exactly "hate" but I think she's misguided.

1. Why did Republicans lose the White House and Congressional seats in the 2008 elections? Check all that apply.

Iraq War - Well it is your war, but thanks for not cleaning up your mess.
Poor Economy - Couldn't be from that 2 billion a week war or only caring about short term gains. Again, thanks for not cleaning up your mess.
Government's Response to Katrina - Oh yeah, New Orleans-remember that place?
Republican Scandals - I'll never get tired of hearing about gay republicans
Republicans acted like Democrats -

I see what you're doing here but I feel it overlooks the Republican belief "well we meant we're for small government when they're in charge, of course, duh, we want big government when we're in charge."

President Bush's policies - Who Else's policies would it be?
Liberal Media - yes, everyone is wrong except for media outlets Rupert Murdoch owns.
Other - I could go on for hours.

A recent national poll reported that nearly 25% of Americans want the government to pass more socialism. Do you agree or disagree?
Agree, but I find it pretty amazing that the Republican party claims Obama is such a fascist-Marxist but now it turns out he's not even socialist enough for 25% of Americans.

Should bureaucrats in Washington, DC be in charge of making your health care choices instead of you and your doctor?
Yes, because right now insurance and pharmaceutical companies control most Americans health care choices.

Should Republicans unite in opposition to judicial nominees who bring a personal, left-wing agenda on social issues to their jobs as judges?
I personally feel that the supreme court tends to be one of the least partisan groups involved in our political process. I feel that when a group of individuals rationally debates social issues they undoubtedly will arrive at decisions that may seem "left" leaning. I mean how far can you really defend no limits on weapons, or telling rape victims Jesus says to fuck off, or posting 10 laws from a two thousand year old book that no one follows to a tee in government buildings? If they weren't supporting slightly liberal ideas and took some of this seriously shouldn't they be locking people up for not keeping the sabbath holy and who among us would not be arrested for lying? Just try and answer that honestly. Also try and name the ten commandments in order while you're at it.

What can the Republican Party do to earn and maintain your trust?
Nothing. Sorry. Shit out of luck.

Ok, look, even this survey showcases many of the failures of the Republican party. First off blaming the "liberal media" is an absurdity to the point of being a conspiracy theory and is only creating an excuse instead of examining your failures. The party does not uphold any real values. There is no room for rational Ayn Rand style conservatism in the party. The party has consistently pandered to a fearful christian base that holds strongly to opinions they can not even begin to fully justify. The reasoning behind many conservative values fall flat on their face when confronted with actual debate and that is hardly even an opinion. This is so evident within the party that Rush Limbaugh (who I personally feel should be disowned by the party completely as he offers no background in law or politics and only secures the exact base that we should not be pandering to) had recently stated that it was obvious we "could not beat the democrats on policies and issues alone". If you cannot "beat the democrats" on policies and issues then there is no justifiable reason for the Republican party to exist anymore, especially if it it also is no longer representing a significant portion of the population. There's a good reason the neo-nazi party doesn't get equal air-time during election season..don't go down that path. Or do. I don't really care.

Politics should mean more than just smearing the other side so you can show off for Jesus.

I think My favorite book is the Dictionary...

2009-03-30T14:17:00.000-07:00

Because man, that book has everything.

Bailouts are for pussies

2009-03-24T22:47:00.000-07:00

Real men know that money is worthless and in life drugs and pussy will suffice.

Self-Loathing is the Highest of All Conservative Values by Ralph Wigglesworth

2009-03-03T11:48:00.000-08:00

OR:
How Elephant Zombies are gonna eat your brains!
(still by Ralph Wigglesworth)

JesusTittyFuckinChristInABarrelOfMonkeys! What happened to the good hearted conscientious conservatives in this country? (thought I was gonna say Cunt, didn’t ya? – well, I guess I kinda did.) But, Have you seen this twerp the Republicans are pushing now (no, not Rush Limbaugh…no, not Bobby Jindal either…no, just watch the video)?

Guys, I know it’s no secret that some of us (ok, a lot of us) have a taste for the sweeter things in life, i.e. young teenage man meat, but this is fuckin’ ridiculous. You can’t actually invite your young boy-toys to come out and speak at our conferences.

However, the kid is right. Our Republican party is a dead horse that Obama can’t stop beating (Stop it! We’re already dead!!!). And, you know what, It’s not that we hope Obama destroys the country and everything we worked so hard building the last 8 years (or 30 but who’s counting), we just want him to fail. It’s like what, friend of the blog, Rush Limbaugh said “You either want Obama to succeed or fail at his goal of dismantling conservatism”. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: Rush Limbaugh is right. Obama don’t care about white people. (White conservative evangelical Christian American people.)

Since being elected Obama has done everything in his power to piss us republicans off, from destroying capitalism with his stimulus package, to closing Guantanemo Bay, to calling for a halt on our victory in Iraq that was gonna save the middle east (years from now when your grandkids say “Grandpa, why’s the middle east so fucked?” You can simply reply “Obama”), all the way to making us question our sexuality with Rahm Emmanuel’s dreamy eyes.

The sad thing is that it is working, like Rep. Michele Bachmann said “we're running out of rich people in this country” and as we all know, as goes the Republicans so goes the rich. And it’s all without a doubt, absolutely 100% all Obamas fault. It's a goddamned Holocaust for the down-home good-ol'boy American rich. This is exactly what I feared would happen, folks. As soon as one Marxist moves in, there goes the neighborhood.

Now he has his sights on Healthcare reform. Thanks but no thanks. I highly doubt all our unemployed workers with no health benefits are taking very good care of themselves and we all know how dirty your regular liberal hippy is and now you want me to fit the bill every time one of these jerk-offs gets a stubbed toe. Am I really gonna have to cover a bag of cough-drops every time they take a hard bong-hit? Whatever happen to live free and die (…of cancer)?

Just outside of taking bong-hits and blowing the poor, we Republicans have actually been trying to appear more “cool”. Especially since on November 4, 2008, a date that will live in infamy, you made it so abundantly clear what you wanted. You people…that’s right I said it.. You People!! I’m sorry but Ralph is pissed..You people thought dissent was so cool under Pres. Bush so we took your lead and had Rush Limbaugh came out and just like a republican version of Michael Moore after eating Sean Penn said he hoped the President would fail. You guys used to not be able to get enough that shit but suddenly dissent is no longer patriotic. Hell, being patriotic doesn’t even seem to be patriotic anymore.

The American people wanted a black guy so we gave them Michael Steele. He said he wanted a “Hip hop” make-over for the party and called the stimulus package “bling bling” yet you write him off as nothing more than racist pandering. The People wanted youth appeal and charm, so we brought out Bobby Jindal to give our response to the State of the Union address. And you just laughed at him and said he was fuckin’ dork. Well, I’m sorry America but he is still a Republican, we’re being as cool as we know how to be. Y’all are some haterz. For real!

Speaking of cheap political gimmicks that have blown up in our faces, what the hell happened to Sarah Palin? Maybe she can’t hear her own party screaming for her all the way up there in Alaska. Maybe she’s off hanging out a helicopter gunning down a pack of wild wolves with an M-16 and our republican cries are being softened by their loud blood-curdling screams of death. Or maybe she just doesn’t care and is only waiting for her chance to go bullshit on The View.

Fear not, for It’s not yet R.I.P for the G.O.P—wow, really? Who writes this shit?, But I digress. The Republican party isn’t dead, it’s just in zombie-mode. It may be slow-moving right now but every American knows that you can never count us out and sooner or later, when you least expect it and think you’re safe in your precious hate-free, love-everybody, socialist society we’re gonna strike back hard and eat your fuckin’ brains!!!!

And then we’ll be all happy again…as an America of fat, crowd-following, ignorant zombies out to eat every rational-thinking, intelligent brain we can get our hands on… just the way God and Ronald Reagan planned it.

Marx and Hegel walk into a bar...and I kick their asses!

2009-02-26T20:47:00.000-08:00

Marx and Hegel sitting in a tree: M-S-I-I-S-M
OR: How I Coined A New Word
By
Joel Straley

That's right, I've coined a new word. The word is Msiism (pronounced: Mmmmm-sizm). If it helps think of it like someone describing a delicious circumcision.

Marx, the one with the beard and not the glasses and mustache, has stated that Hegel was "standing on his head" when he wrote his dialectic theory and Marxist Dialectics aimed to put him back on his feet. If Hegel is standing on his head, then Marx has his head in the clouds. Marxism puts all faith in science and suggest that everything can be explained through matter.

In Das Kapital he states: "The ideal is nothing else than the material world reflected by the human mind, and translated into forms of thought". Hegel argues the opposite, that it is our consciousness that determines our existence and is reflected in the material world. You can see where when viewed in simpler terms its sort a chicken-egg debate about our consciousness and the perception of the material world.

Hegelian dialectic involves three stages: Thesis, Antithesis and synthesis. As is made clear by Marx's attempt to put Hegel back on his head his Dialectic theory is an antithesis to the view of Hegel. It should seem obvious through the empirical evidence that comes from being a conscious human being that neither can be completely correct, and thus the truth behind these Dialectic views is that we exist in a synthesis of both ideas.

For Marx I suggest that a baby born deaf and blind is forced to create a perception of the material world through her mind first. Although Marx is notorious for constructing his viewpoints with the bigger picture in mind, it should be obvious that not all individuals in any social situation or material confinement ever think in the same way. However I will agree that our social conditions do generally condition groups to think similarly, which has much to do with my definition for Msiism.

I don't want to switch arguments but I am always put off by other atheist who stubbornly deny and so easily discount a realization of the depth of intimate human interactions that hint at something deeper than the observable material world. For example the buddhist monks who train themselves to use their mind to control their bodily temperature offer, even in the slightest bit, evidence of the mind over the conditions and constraints of the material world.

For Hegel I must concede somewhat to the view of Marx because even a genius cannot strive if they exist in poor economic conditions. No matter how powerful the mind is, it cannot function properly without food. To make this clearer: Food, being of a material nature fuels the mind, which produces and holds ideals and ultimately our consciousness that are clearly of a non-material nature.

Msiism is not necessarily a term for the the synthesis of the Hegelian Dialectic view and Marx's Dialectical materialism. Msiism is a term I am coining that is based on the boring lives led by human beings, something that perhaps comes from the mind they received through birth but is also strongly reinforced by our material conditions and of these the most important being our society or the zeitgeist in which we live. Of course our social conditions that force us to surrender much of our lives for the attainment of success in a world where survival is based in a monetary system plays an enormous role.

To avoid being bored many turn to intellectual pursuits and eventually become known as 'intellectuals' and thus are usually much less boring. They are less boring as they are now less-easily entertained or amused and have become more obsessed with complex, and often existential, issues. These intellectuals begin to question what is around them and begin to stop taking for granted that which was told to them in their youth by the society that surrounded them as they were raised.

They now begin to hold certain ideologies and begin to label themselves by their interests, which usually becomes their 'career' such as sociologist, botanist, or a penis doctor, and also begin labeling themselves by the ideas that they hold such as feminist, Marxist or fascist (assuming one is now so not-boring that they hold the attention of an entire group willing to surrender what they think is best to now live under the rules by which you think is best).

Msiism is a term for the idea that humans are so boring that when forming their own ideals, in an attempt to become one's own self, they attach themselves to the ideologies of others, and more often than not begin amending their own thoughts to now be apart of this group.

Conclusion: Msiism is the belief that humans attempt to be different by upholding their own values, only to sacrifice their individuality by adopting the ideologies of others. Although to be fair they are now apart of a smaller group so in some ways they have become more individualist.

Feel free to agree or disagree but a belief in Msiism is in itself ironic.

And in a world of such uncertainty, split between the ideal and the material perhaps ironic ideologies are the closest truths we can rely one.

In the words of that redneck at that Mccain Rally over the summer when yelling about Barack Obama "get Karl Marx outta heeeereee". But Karl, you know we cool.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

In Other News: As I walked up some stairs after getting off the train I saw a series of scattered 20 dollar bills - probably 100 to 140 dollars total. I had no instinct to pick up the money and even had to think about. The man next to me slightly hesitated and grabbed them. I looked back and he looked up at me, probably assuming I was stupid but more glad I didn't try and fight him for the money.

I don't agree that humans should be lived in a monetary system and always figure someone more greedy or hopefully more needy will pick up the money anyway. I spent the rest of the walk home in shock that this value is so engrained in me that I had no desire whatsoever to pick up the money...and never do, although this is the first time the amount has been so large.

It almost put me in tears to think how different I sometimes find myself from those around me....but not necessarily in a sad way.

43 vs. 44 by Ralph Wigglesworth

2009-02-08T22:31:00.001-08:00

[[Alas, a blog]]

Alright Mr. Interwebs let us compare and contrast shall we? First off, what is the first thing you even noticed when you look at these two photos? That's right its Mr.(You haven't earned President yet, not until you come clean about Larry Sinclair) Obama's smug grin, his "loveable" smirk, the kind of smirk you know Karl Marx always had under his bushy beard (grown to cover-up whiskey breath no doubt). Also, have you noticed Obambi's been getting an increase in gray hairs? This kid's gonna smoke himself into a heart attack before his four years are up. But I digress.

There is he is, the USSA's new Cookie's-n-Cream Czar-in-chief smiling his half-black ass off while hes surrounded by a bunch of old women ("Cookies-n-Cream"is a new colloquialism for "mixed race" I'm trying to start). And Oh MY GoD!they all fucking match, that is ridiculous. He's signing a bill but he looks like he's at a goddamn beanie baby party. I hope this fuckin' bill had a Cathy comic pasted on the front. Its hasn't even been a month and the white house looks like one of those parties where old women wear penis-hats and pretend like they're gonna buy a dildo in front of their friends.

As a side note its no wonder chick-wings are out of stock and Spam is selling like hotcakes, and hotcakes are selling steadily: All of America's lady-force is leaving the kitchen and getting jobs with the government (Nancy Pelosi? more like The Nagger of the House, amirite fellas?). First he wants your wealth and now Obama is after your pussy too! STAND UP MEN!!

On the other hand The President (To NOFX: He's STILL MY President) is showing off how bad-ass his signature is to all his friends. And I can't hate a playa showin' off his game like that, so moving on.

Now lets looks at the bills the President and Mr. Obama are signing. Obamalama-ding-dong is signing an equal pay act for women and this right there should strike a chord about our current Economic crisis (Thanks a lot Bill Clinton and Jimmy Carter). Women were getting paid on average 70 cents to ever dollar a man made, and now thanks to some jack-off bill business owners are being PUNISHED for hiring women. All jobs that require women, so I'd assume mostly the receptionist and secretaries industries, now have to have the business owners, or the important men who need secretaries, cut deeper into their profit margins in order to start paying women equally to what men were being paid. So what happens? Well, soon these businesses will have to lie about their profits (Enron), and companies will be forced to ask for bailouts (Auto-manufacturers) and soon an entire mortgage and loan meltdown and before you know it there are tons of layoffs ( Circut City, Microsoft, Starbucks, GE, fuckin' everyone man, we're all dooooommmed!) and our entire economy needs a socialist stimulus package to be saved....and why? All because these women weren't happy with what we gave them and like a bunch of Oliver Twists then went up and twisted Oba-brainless' nipples and pouting out "can we have some more siiiirrrr?"

In fact I may have a solution that will do more to help our economic recovery than any stimulus package ever could (and it couldn't so just cut my fuckin taxes already you commies). I urge you President Mr. Obama to retract that Equal Pay bill and Pass the 2009 Wigglesworth Way-Things-Used-To-Be Act.

Now on the other hand, here you have President Bush surrounded by a bunch of older, white men (Who, by the way if I might add, have controlled the world so far and I think we can all agree its worked pretty well). And these men are fighting for women (and no women even had to ask them!) as they outlaw women from joyfully killing off their young like sick mother rabbits in a creepy discover channel show. Its wrong for you ladies to get such amusement from something us men will never know the pleasure of.

So Compare and Contrast: I don't know about you but when I look back on these pictures after reflecting all I see is: A black Joseph Stalin and Jesus W. Reagan. And I know which side I'm on. (hint: they're called the RIGHT for a reason)

oh, and Mr. O.- GIVE THE REPUBLICANS BACK ABRAHAM LINCOLN!!! He didn't free the blacks so you could steal his legacy!!!

Fuck the assholes on the train

2009-02-08T18:09:00.000-08:00

Again, fuck these assholes on the train. The assholes who when you accidentally brush there arm look back and give you a look like "WTF, BRO!" and like they expect to see something other than someone else riding the train who accidentally brushed against their arm.

From now on when one of these assholes looks back and gives me a look like I'm the creep I'm just gonna say "Hey, sexy, how you doing?" and give them a wink. I figure this is what they are expecting to see anyway and I love to fulfill others expectations.

I Want To Be A Model

2009-02-06T00:11:00.001-08:00

I want to be a model. I want to stand perfectly still and be loved only for my beauty..beauty not earned but received from chance through birth...loved for my looks alone and not my thoughts.

Like a piece of art.

Its the only way to live forever. People will admire my statuesque beauty, to the point that no one will even realize when I have become deceased. I will be admired as warm flesh showcasing exuberant beauty even as I am dead and decomposing from the inside out right in front of their very eyes.

oh, to be beautiful and fulfill such a vain definition of perfection.

.

2009-02-01T01:52:00.000-08:00

So I was talking to my Penis the other day...

2009-01-24T17:15:00.000-08:00

And I said "Penis, what do you want to be when you grow up"
What do you want to be when you grow up" and He said "I want to be a dentist" and I was like "Penis, why do u wanna be a dentist" - and He said "well i like to poke around in the mouths of strangers"

- and I said "Penis, when did you get a "writer?"

and yes "Penis" did need to be capitalized.

......Ok, now, spit.

What if life is just one big nocturnal emission or Why "Waking Life" Sucked more than you remember

2009-01-19T03:08:00.000-08:00

Wake me when its over: A Re-evaluation of "Waking Life"
An Essay with extensive existential Wikipedia citations.
OR:
A Pretty Pretentious Post-modern neo-existentialist critique through a cultural transcendental perspective on the commentary values presented within the pseudo-intellectual, platitude producing, even more pretentious than this title, rotoscoped motion picture "Waking Life" Department of redundancy department"
by
Joel Straley

The film "Waking Life" is nothing more than self-serving Uber-Pretentiousness at its most in-your-face that any film has ever attempted to be. Its arguments are presented in a way that makes them feel as empty and meaningless as the advice and solutions that are presented in things such as a religious sermon or the film The Secret".....in other words just plain bullshit. I felt it was shot in rotoscope so you'd feel like you're stoned and hopefully these discussions presented in the film will make you go 'wow' just long enough before they're quickly destroyed from your short-term memory and forgotten forever. Lets look at some interesting questions raised within this film/Philosophy-101-term-paper.

What if reality is just a dream?

"Oh, wow, (cough) (cough) that shits crazy man. Or what if our dreamselves are dreaming us...and when we're sleeping that's when they're off in dream-reality! Like 'catch ya later lil dream-dude!" That's freakin' Trippy, man-oh, dude I love this Phish song."

What if its all just a dream? THEN WHO THE FUCK CARES!!

This is childish, debating-with-a-freshmen type of reasoning. Yes, every argument can be pushed back to 'or maybe you're just a brain in a vat'....This idea doesn't make you ask any important questions at all. First off if reality was all just a dream...then how would we have dreams at all. We'd have only one consciousness assuming there is no reality and its all a dream. Because we experience dreams in our reality proves that there are at least two levels or divisions to our consciousness (or existence or however far you want to take it). But life being a dream or not has virtually no effect on how you live your life and the moral and experiential aspects of your existence. If you'd like to argue that you're somehow "free-er" when you accept life is just a dream..then fine, tomorrow why don't you go around without any pants on telling everyone "Its ok, life's just a dream".

For most of the discussions in the film I want to reply "Ok, we all are convinced of solipsism when we try to examine our consciousness, get the fuck over it". For a great example of this, refer to the scene in which the main character tries to put his finger on what it is to experience existing in the present and see how many times you ask yourself "dude, what the fuck are you talking about?". The kid starts to make real points but dilutes them entirely when trying to analogize them to any real ontological examples. All I can say is at least when Sartre rambles on trying to pinpoint our consciousness present reality he doesn't sound like a kid stoned off his ass in the break room of a Starbucks.

I feel we should stick with Sarte's analysis on this that "Human reality is what it is not, and not what it is"...and trying to break it down any further than that makes you sound like a douchebag.

I feel a better argument that should have been presented in order to get the audience to begin actively engaging themselves in asking important questions about their experience through life would have been Nietzsche's view of Eternal Recurrence. Have the audience ask themselves not "is it all a dream?" but rather "is it all going to be the same dream again and again?". This more actively creates a debate on the linear view of time, the practical implications of infinite,
as well as overcoming the mundaneness of our own individual existence. All better discussions than "dude, if life was a dream how could we wake up?..or did i just blow your freakin mind?"

Finally, if all of my existence in reality is nothing more than some dream I am making up then why would I waste my own time making up a movie that I felt wasted my time?

What is with that scene with Ethan Hawk?

In the scene Ethan Hawk starts a discussion,that like much of the philosophical debates in the film, can be seen as supporting pantheism and the idea of one collective intellectual consciousness (that if it makes you that much happier you can call "God"). Ethan Hawk quotes some shady one-off examples of cases and statistics that seem to support his main idea. He quotes a case that involved people getting better results on a crossword puzzle once the crossword puzzle had already been solved by someone else. As the first person solved the crossword puzzle the answers were now "out there" and then the other people soon figured it out as well, by of course channeling the answers through their brain antennae. I really hope that if there is a collective consciousness that Ethan Hawk can intercept what I am thinking about his dumbass right now.

First thing, cross word puzzles are made by people so the 'answers' are already 'out there' in mind-space once the crossword maker finishes writing the crossword puzzle in the first place.

Second, This is also such a poor example that I'm sure even using it is some argumentative fallacy. If this were true that humans all share one mind, I find it a bit odd that Xenophanes in 500 BC asked "why is the God of man a man for wouldn't the god of an ox be an ox, etc?", while now 2500 years later this question is still foreign in the majority of most minds...even intelligent ones.

Where are the important questions?

If I was going to make an intro-to-philosophy/"pack up the purple kush" type film like Waking Life is, the first debate I would start with is an argument entirely overlooked in this whole "isn't life like, crazy, man" discussion: Albert Camus' first question of all philosophy. Camus argues that there is only one truly essential philosophical question that man must ask himself: Whether or not to end ones own existence. Everything else is merely secondary until this question is answered. I suppose the correct realistic answer to hearing that question is "I guess so, I never thought about it". Nonetheless by starting with this you have now established the idea that even if life is a dream, it is at the very least a dream with enough positive qualities to justify the continuation of the dreaming.

While constantly presenting ideas to encourage the audience to have an uncertainty about their own existence I feel many of the film's arguments are actually defended with too much certainty.

For example, in a speech in the film by the filmmaker he suggests that he had visited a dream state that was in essence 'heaven' where he had seen his dog and some old dead lady he knew. While being open to the possibility of contacting an alternate reality/consciousness he holds on to an idea about 'heaven'. While he's open to the idea that life is but a dream, it doesn't acknowledge the impossibility of living eternally with a pet (...and to be fair how fucked up is it that not even in death a dog cannot escape being a slave to your stupid ass.) Does he seriously think that life is honestly a temporary dream in which he will spend billions of years playing catch with a dog he only owned for 15 years MAX? Was the dead woman in the dream wearing clothes? Oh she was. Were these the clothes she died in, the clothes she was buried in, what most people remember her wearing in life, or do you get to pick out your favorite outfit to wear for eternity? Yeah you see where I'm going about the absurdity in this.

Some of these aspects of the conversations within the film reminds of the George Orwell quote "Some ideas are so stupid only intellectuals could believe them".

Nothing, or at least very little presented in the film gives enough attention to the optimistic possibilities of the unknown. The dialogues needed more the I-don't-know-and-you-don't-know-either mentality to really start to get the audience engaged in answering the questions that make up the basics of philosophy for themselves. This film doesn't clearly introduce many ideas as truthfully striking as Socrates view of death in Plato's Apology. The idea that whether death is a meeting of deceased acquaintances or an infinite sleep will never be known as an absolute certainty by anyone. This idea is to be suited alongside the idea that whether or not an after-life is positive or negative can also never be said with any real certainty.

So what did I learn from this movie?
Ummm, I can't turn on or off lights in my dreams..ok, well, that's odd. I guess. I mean I assume the lights will be on anyway as I typically don't dream about being in the dark. And even if I did....I'm asleep, so I kinda already expect shit to be dark.

All I can say is that a lot of these monologues also come off as nothing more than a christian style lecture made to brainwash you into the worship of the god of pantheism. I feel that stating "most philosophers believe life is only some sort of a dream state and death is a dream state too" as completely over simplifying an argument to the point of distortion of what many philosophers 'believe'. I also feel that within the film the image of a televangelist priest used as a puppet to be a bit of a needless cheap shot that bares little relevance to the main point of the film since the idea of a 'puppet-master' or some man-behind-the-curtain is rarely discussed in clear detail.

These stupid "life is but a dream" dialogues are nothing but constant platitudes. So bad it makes the film seem like a intro. to philosophy book written by the creators of The Secret. Waking Life is like getting a History education from a conspiracy theorists, if you want the truth.

Nothing really tops it until when none other than Writer and Director Mr. Richard Lankleter himself appears to drag on about a story of an author who says .. oh, a bunch of shit...but he ends up saying that Time is but a veil and we are stuck stagnant in time forever so we'll falsely believe in Jesus or something. (I'm trying to avoid going too deep in the absurdities of a 'stagnant time' being stuck 'forever' ...like the fact that if time is 'stuck' it cannot also be ongoing
and therefor cannot be as 'endless' as the term 'forever' would imply. etc.)

It all leads up to how he had a dream, that I'd previously mentioned, that wasn't a dream..it was him visiting the land of the dead or 'heaven', and his fuckin' dog was there. And then he woke up and it changed his life, ....but he didn't really wake up because the main dude was still stuck in a dream meaning Richard Lankleter was but a figment of main dudes- oh just fuck this movie, already.

Finally, Someone needs to explain to me what a "Holy Moment" is. This idea of being over-whelmed by beauty by simply stopping to concentrate on the face of a another human person is a bit of a naive approach of trying to appreciate and understand existence. And as one character tells the other that he would find himself overwhelmed with tears to stop and concentrate on his friends face makes me think this guy should go get his . I get that life is beautiful, sure, but I'm not gonna be constantly in joyful tears just jerking off to the sunset every day.

But "The Holy Moment"...that reminds me of something. oh yeah. The Holy Mountain! The best fucking movie ever made, bitch! A movie that makes you ask yourself some real questions about life. A movie that has visual appeal and actual relevant commentary that can call society and life bullshit without having to sound like a preachy douche. A movie that tells the audience to stop watching the movie and go outside.

So turn off Waking Life and pick up a book. Real life awaits you!

If you made this far you see my main complaint with "Waking Life" is that it is not "The Holy Mountain" .....as is my complaint with most movies.

I don't know if you guys have noticed....

2009-01-06T22:35:00.001-08:00

but the new season of Hannah Montana is getting goooood.

A Modest Proposal to Sarah Silverman

2008-12-21T23:54:00.000-08:00

My friend had a dream where I was engaged to Sarah Silverman for some reason. So I sent her a myspace message: Oh but I sent it from the GoWolf page so I had to send it again. Good work, dumbass. (that was to me, not you)

"Sorry I sent this message from my bands site (did you check us out? Pretty rockin, right? That one song "DFW" we wrote in 1 night..can you tell?)

Miss Silverman,
Now I'm sure this is the type of thing you get all the time but please hear me out. My friend recently had a dream where we were engaged. I know we've never met, which is probably why you don't recognize me, but I gave it some thought and figured you seem like a pretty cool chick...like a real dude's chick, not a chick-chick. I'd like to see if we hit things off and then you can meet my parents, just try not to say any abortion jokes OMG!!! total JK! They love abortion jokes.

So a little about me- I'm 24, but am very mature for my age and am an aspiring writer (how was this message? Any grammar or syntax advice?) and actor. I've wanted to be an actor ever since I saw Dustin Hoffman in "Hook" and thought to myself "Hey, I can do that". And I would also like to be rich and/or famous but will settle for dating a celebrity (That's you).

I remember when I saw your cleavage on the cover of "Heeb magazine" and I knew from that moment that you were more than just another pretty face. I believe there are rumors circulating that you are now back dating Jimmy Kimmel again and let me tell you on behalf of America, Sarah, come on....come on, Sarah...Sarah. Sure I'll be the first to admit I may not be as successful as Jimmy Kimmel, I mean we all couldn't have hosted The Man Show and 'discovered' Carson Daly. But for the record, I've never been a douchey late-night talk show host, so when you're with me, baby, don't expect to have to fain interest in conversation and fake laughter while I do lame topical jokes and drag out monologues, oh, but did you hear when Monica Lewinsky was eating hot dogs and she...oh yeah, right, nevermind.

So also my penis is pretty cute if that helps seal the deal. Anyway hope to hear back soon and I want you to know I'm very serious about this. So don't be afraid that I'm just another loser who's gonna use you and never call you back.
Hope to hear back soon.
Joel

P.S. I met Dave Chappelle once and he told me he's known you for a long time so, ya know, we already have similar acquaintances, so it just kinda seems right.

P.S.S I'd be happy with just one date, preferably here in New York the next time you're in town. I'll wear a funny cat shirt and we'll see if the chemistry is right...which if my friends dream is any indication it will be ;) LOLZ OMG!!!"

Antarctic Oil: What We Don't Know Could Save Us!

2008-12-20T15:23:00.000-08:00

Oh, Mother Earth! How sweet you have been as we humans have raped you again and again for your precious natural resources. We started off pretty harmless: salt, sugar, spice, everything nice. But then we got a taste of some of the hard stuff: Gold. Ok, we admit we got a little loopy for it for awhile. But we chilled out and we're better now, I mean hell, our currency isn't even based on it anymore. Come to think of it what is our currency based on then? (EDITORS NOTE:That's a discussion for another day.)

But now you got us hooked good on your precious, precious, life-affirming, beautuful black oil. HAND IT OVER YOU SELFISH BITCH!!!! I'm sorry but you know I just I needs a taste, baby, that's all. So its obvious we've become addicted to oil and those fuckers in the Middle East have.....well, lets just leave it at Those fuckers in the Middle East.

We needs it baby, but we're running out and we're starting to feel the effects of it. We need an answer and we need it now.

Hmm, I wonder what are those penguins and scientists doing down their in Antarctica? Fuck mining the moon, I bet Antarctica is the real oil promise-land!

So you may now be asking yourself - Yeah, why aren't all the oil companies busting balls to start drilling for oil in Antarctica. Well, that is because exploration for Antarctic oil is prohibited until 2048. Thanks a lot Protocol on Environmental Protection pussies! But, no worries because you can bet your ass that by 2040 Oil rigs will start being built there to be ready...just in case. Oil Execs: "Oh, well, we're just building reserves we won't actually start drilling until 2048...Jan.1, 2048, promise."

So Let's say they start drilling and it turns out that they south pole is packed to the brim with fresh oil. Now, we'll have plenty of oil again..and enough to ease the oil crisis for at least a little while. So, ya know, that's a plus.

But what if this oil reserve is so huge that we actually discover that oil extraction from the earth is actually necessary. So necessary in fact that if oil is not removed from Earth it causes a carbon buildup and increases the temperature of earth as a whole.

And thus, oil dependence becomes not the cause of global warming but rather the solution.

If this one simple scenario were to become true it would be an incredible turn around for the survival of mankind. But alas we both know this will probably not be the case.

Its fun to dream.

The Mayans were right: Palin 2012

2008-11-14T13:24:00.000-08:00

I have long been a believer in the theory that the Mayan calendar calls for a significant change in the year 2012, whether this be the apocalypse or a mass change in human consciousness. In its defense the Mayan calendar was based on a mathematical circle and didn't have any of that extra-day-every-four-years bullshit. However I will admit that you would think if they were good at predicting things they would of at least attempted to save their own civilization by foreseeing the coming of Europeans with guns.

But now I think I know how it will happen: Palin 2012.

I think things will get better under President Obama. In the words of The Beatles, it couldn't get much worse. It is no secret people love voting for people who are "just like me". I think as things get better the pains of the previous republican administration will fade away. Palin will return in 2012 and Aemricans will go "OMG!! I love this bitch, I can't believe she's back! Lets go get mcdonalds!" And then I believe Palin will finally get here chance and she will win the 2012 election.

And then it will slowly sink into the rest of the world that America just made Sarah Palin the fuckin' President of the United States. And then on December 21,2012 it will finally hit people what exactly this will mean and then BAM!! everyone's head will explode!

....just as the Mayans predicted.

Pres. Obama and the most important election of your lifetime

2008-11-05T22:36:00.000-08:00

To all the conservatives bitching today:
I've listened to your crying through your radio hosts, your cable news channel, your blogs and I know that you think your at fault for not going even further to the right.
And it only makes me laugh. (I do hope the rumors of a New separate Neo-Con political party are true). There's a good line from when Truman was running for President and speaking to a group of farmers, who at the time generally voted republican, and said "How many times do you have to be hit by a hammer before you look up and see just who it is that's hitting you?"

When your kids ask you about when the first black man became president are you really going to answer "Well, we were pissed that this socialist, Marxist, terrorist, inexperienced Muslim was gonna come in and destroy the economy, safety and country we had just spent the last 8 years FUCKING UP!!!"

But there is something to look forward to..I know you think that people will see the results of a democratic presidency and it will swing back in your favor, but If you really thought this was true perhaps you shouldn't have spent the last 8 years letting Bush set such low standards for future presidents.

Enlightenment can be a beautiful thing, but its so much better when the rest of the world joins in.

THE BEAST IS DEAD!

2008-11-04T22:43:00.001-08:00

OBAMA LIVES!

Who the fuck is Barack Obama?

2008-11-04T14:53:00.001-08:00

Its election day again? And what the fuck is this black guy doing on the ballot?

Kids, go vote -The more ballots there are to try and secretly throw away the harder it will be to not given into the people and just give them what they want.

GO VOTE!!!!

(and then you can go home and masturbate...it'll be like reward and its another good way to use your freedoms....remember the Taliban doesn't masturbate and look how fucked up they are..you don't wanna be a Talibani do ya?)

But seriously, just like every election this one is coming down to republicans and black people...if you don't vote for Nader who will? just kidding,..remember Nader is older than Mccain and truth be told you know more about Palin than you did his V.P...and you don't even know his V.P's name.

Now go put a boot in their ass...oh and by Go Vote I mean Go Vote Obama, obviously.

Come on, I know you don't wanna see Akon go back to Africa: http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/f-news/2124917/posts

Trig Paxson Van Palin

2008-10-31T14:58:00.000-07:00

Yes, you did read that correctly..and yes you do know what that means. Sarah Palin's son - not the one in Iraq, the special-needs child- is named Trig Paxon Van Palin. And Yes she did that because she is a big fan of Van Halen and thought it would be funny. And Yes it is funny.
But you know what else is funny?
Her son has down's syndrome and do you know what that means?
That means that throughout his life he will never get the joke.
He will never really be able to comprehend the fact that his mom, the first female Republican Vice-Presidential Candidate, named a pun that references an 80s hair metal band.

but for the record Sarah Palin does make me hot for teacher. "I brought my peennncciill"

An Email from Gov. Sarah Palin

2008-10-27T12:25:00.000-07:00

I just filled with joy as I witness my gmail account refresh itself and noticed I had an incoming mail. Imagine how I was overcome with delight to see that the sender was none other than that of Alaska's own Gov. Sarah Palin. I dear say, I almost felt it move. Palin informed me that Democratic Presidential Candidate (and TERRORist by association) Barak H. Obama's television advertising budget is larger than that of Diet Coke and Mickey D's.

..Someone call the fuckin' police!

In Defense of Hipsters

2008-09-28T17:48:00.000-07:00

The following is my rebutal to the following article form ADBUSTERS:

http://www.adbusters.org/magazine/79/hipster.html?page=1

In Defense of Hipsters
by
Joel Straley

Adbusters contributer Douglas Haddow exposes Hipsterdom"as shameless clichés of a class of individuals that seek to escape their own wealth and privilege by immersing themselves in the aesthetic of the working class. "
He goes on in the article "Hipster: The Dead End of Western Civilization" to claim that Hipsters are simply youthful consumers who suggest that what they consume is cool and thus are apart of a never-ending circle of consuming what they are told is cool - and calling 'cool' whatever it is they are consuming. Vintage clothing and the adoption of products normally associated with the 'working class' is not a new counterculture attribute associated specifically with 'hipsters'. In fact it is well noted to have existed as early as the beat generation and so on. Hippies adopted many elements of style that were associated with poverty, i.e. Salvation army t-shirts, and an appreciation for found items that teeter on the brink of being campy and kitch.

To say that Hipsters are not doing anything challenging is completely missing the point. Truly many experimental artist are pushing against mainstream culture as hard as any counterculture has before them. In specifically the current noise movement in music is represented by a true-er brand of hipsters, in the similar way that the 'freaks' (Zappa, Beefheart, etc.) existed against the
'hippie's' during the '60's. (For more of an analysis of this I suggest Frank Zappa and The Mothers of Invention's "We're Only In It For The Money", with its ironic (GASP!) title the album expresses anger towards the sycophants that adopted the hippie culture, while focusing on the ever present divide between the generations that separate teenagers, who are almost always at the epicenter of counterculture, from the generation of their parents.

To suggest, as the article does, that the keffiyeh is worn only as a fashion statement and has no bearing to his meaning as it is worn by left-wing jews to show a support for Palestine shows a complete lack of knowledge of the articles subjects. I won't disagree that the Keffiyeh has been adopted as a fashion statement but to think that these hipsters at heart aren't left-wing (and mostly New York City Jews) and in support of Palestine is ignorant. Like all artsy subcultures they are a left-wing crowd who hold radical left wing view points. Earlier this very day at the Mccarren park pool party performance of Aesop Rock, I witnessed a kid wearing a shirt that featured an image of a keffiyeh wrapped around his neck. I applauded the shirt for its humorously ironic commentary on the conservative outrage of it as a fashion symbol, i.e. the Rachel Ray-Dunki' Donuts ad. If you don't find that amusing then you should admit you are out of whatever youthful loop it is we are discussing here.

After 9/11 a conversation arose as if this event, with its such serious implications, would cause an end to irony. Apathy and Irony reign supreme in hipsterdom because it is the only reaction intellectual art kids have in current society. It is the reflection of the apathy that exists across mainstream America- in small towns divided by religion with residents too scared to face the issue, in the workers of the factories too scared too speak up as they watch themselves and co-workers get laid off as their jobs are moved to far off countries, in the american public as they continue to watch gas prices raise, the continuing of an endless war and the crimes committed by a congress and presidential administration that hardly holds an adequate percentage of supports from them.
The Hipsters came of age in a world that finally received the fascist government and endless war that had been preached and fear-mongered since 1984 and all through the cold war. They witness a rise in technology that would force society to re-think social behavior and communication as well as affecting how information is perceived and its increase in over-availability.
This makes one of the ending lines of the article even more appalling. "I take a look at one of the girls wearing a bright pink keffiyah and carrying a Polaroid camera and think, “If only we carried rocks instead of cameras, we’d look like revolutionaries.” But instead we ignore the weapons that lie at our feet – oblivious to our own impending demise." This line is the epitome of what this article represents: Someone on the outside of 'cool' trying to analyze what 'cool' is. Not saying what 'cool' is, is how cool works. This article makes Douglas Haddow seem much less like a social and commercial culture critic and more like an old man saying 'these kids today....'. Of course hipsters don't admit to being hipsters, just as Abbie Hoffman and John Lennon wouldn't to being hippies, Ginsberg and Kerouc weren't admit to being beatnics and Johnny Rotten won't admit to being punk. This poor analyziation reaches its thesis by observing elements that have existed in all modern counterculture movements.

Perhaps what Haddow is noticing is not an end to Western Civilization and rather more the first major post-modern counterculture with its ironic view of current culture mixed with a longing nostalgia. This is evident in virtually all aspects of society, not just hipsterdom. Like "The Colbert Report" uses irony to make more obvious the current policitical hippocracies, Hipsterdom has adopted irony as a real sense of expression towards a culture that feeds them more and more celebrities who are famously "famous, for being famous". To me Hipsterdom is the perfect counterculture to a world that is obsessed around an endless "war on terror", watching its teen idols spiral out in self destruction and a new existence where over abundance of information and culture is hardly even phasing.

Back to that quote by Mr. Haddow that if only the hipsters were carrying rocks instead of Polaroid cameras they'd look like revolutionaries. Yes, if they were carrying rocks they would look like the stereotypical dictionary definition of revolutionaries. Instead the hipsters, like all countercultures, are cultures leading the revolution that is echoed in all of western society- the revolution of apathy and irony. As George W. Bush stands to not be impeached, people watch their gas prices and unemployment rate rising without a fuss, and a new endless war - what else is their to do? The hippies failed in the 60's. The free love movement created AIDS, drug abuse, and didn't stand a chance at getting the U.S. to pull out of Viet Nam or even end the draft. The Civil Rights movement is only the respectable change that occurred, particularly from a youthful counterculture , but where was the rising of disenfranchised african-americans after Katrina? Where is the rise of the unemployed fighting against the corporations that disenfranchised them? Where is the rise of the Mexican-Americans fighting to end the immigration debate? Where are all members of the country that should be rising up against the destruction of their environment and the death of their planet?

In a world based around fear and endless doom, a culture paying for its crime of a history full of quick-fixes, hipsterdom is adopting the best weapon it has- its sense of irony. So Haddow, chill the fuck out- culture's gotta end some time. If someone wants a revolution maybe you shouldn't be like everyone else and wait for someone else to do it. Adbusters sure does bring up 'revolution' a lot for a magazine that is ultimately just preaching to the choir........for 8.95 an issue.

I believe

2008-09-15T21:31:00.001-07:00

RNC 08: The Sexiest Convention Ever!

2008-09-04T14:50:00.000-07:00

Of course, the drive-by, liberal, jew-run, main-stream baby-killing media isn't going to tell you that.

Look at this Alaskan Pimp- just chillin' at the RNC in between a sister-sandwich. (You know the media would cream themselves for 2 underage pregnant Palin daughters. - I think I just did.)

Look at that MILF (or RILF or VPILF etc). I seriously get lost in her eyes and almost forget that she's a total bitch. I'm sure your vag is all healed up, so lets go make Palin 6 and kill endangered polar bears

And lets not forget about that other MILF.
(yeah, you see what I did there)

I didn't see it but I assume at this point Mccain is saying "Seriously look at this fuckin MILF. I mean I know I'm old but when I think about this ticket I don't know whether to vote for it or fuck it......And about that whole Hockey Mom -Pitbull thing, Yeah - A Pitbull with lipstick I'd like to fuck! U-S-A! U-S-A!"

When someone makes an Viagra/grandpa sex joke It would help if you thought of this. Hell, you should just be thinking of this image randomly throughout the day anyway just because.....Will Obama stick his thumb up your ass? I didn't think so. (google: Larry Sinclair)

And if you're gonna have a sexy party you gotta keep out the gays (they just don't know when to stop)...and how do you do that? By fuckin up the YMCA cheer. ---and badly. The letter O isn't even in "Young Men's Christian Association" ...ok it is. But not 3 fuckin times!

Last but not least, where were the democrats at during this sexy party? Scarying small animals and making babys cry by being loud noisy bitches. Thank god that man was there to tell them "Sorry ladies, lets get you back to the kitchen so you can help Hillary finish that Turkey/Bear/Elk feast we're gonna have after this shindig.....Oh, and don't forget to sweep up all the pieces from that broken glass ceiling, I wouldn't want you to cut your barefeet"

BACK TO COOL!!! come on kids I'm trying.

2008-09-04T14:32:00.000-07:00

So it's Back to School time again. Summer is over. This is actually the first time since I was 3 that I didn't have to go and continue on in some sort of Public learning facility (i'm not sure why public is capitalized, either). There is no significant event that in my life that gives closure to the summer or 08 (well, there's my Birthday on August 31). So I guess this means Summer just keeps going on - for the rest of my life.

This is my impression of every kid going back to school this week:

"Dude, classes r soo e-z, bro- like one was just like fuckin' medical forms (hw for moms and dad!! LOL!1!!1!!!) But fuckin sucks I got Dr. Nyquil for Bio labz.
Dude, wuld put a corpse to sleep, SRSLY!! and OMG! this one kid was all like "is this gonna be on the exam?" when like the teacher was passin out the syllabuses - or
syllabi - I don't know what one it is. I haven't taken ENG 201 yet and I think that's like the first thing they teach you.
But the prof was all like 'that is totally not lolz' and was like 'get out' and the kid was all like 'fuck you' and the prof was like 'no, fuck you' and I was all like 'dude, just shut the fuck up. Its the first day they just hand out the syllabus and let you out early prof is just gonna letz you out early and hopefully make back before I f'ck in miss "True Life: I'm a depressed alcoholic teen who looks fat in tight t-shirts" which I've missed like 4 fuckin times already'
so finally dude shutted the fuck up"
Dude like new facebook fuckin sucks on my ballzzsac with its 75 character status posts!!!!"

The Darkest F'n Knight EVER!!!!!!

2008-07-16T21:47:00.000-07:00

So the dark summer blockbuster is clearly going to be The Dark Knight. The hype around this movie is getting intense. Of course in New York there are advertisements everywhere, and oddly enough they decided to keep their ad campaign centered on Heath Ledger's role as the Joker. I had heard that his role is based upon studying Alex DeLarge of "A Clockwork Orange", so naturally as a film nerd I am excited.

But how does a film like this deliver? Its simple and the answer is staring them right in the face. The elephant in the room about this film is that Heath Ledger isn't with us anymore....He's out in L.A somewhere. But kidding aside, he's dead.
So .....The Joker must die.

Obviously everyone knows that there can be no sequel starring the Joker so the opportunity is staring them in the face. With all of the current flood of Superhero movies how does one compete? Kill off the villain.
It never happens but everyone always wants to see the good guy actually kill the bad, not just leave him for dead. This situation provides the perfect opportunity. While many, and of course the film critics would be the first, would consider this move to be in horribly bad taste.
Fuck 'em. When the ending comes and Batman stabs the Joker and leaves him laying on the ground for a long zoom out shot not one person in the theater will be able to claim they actually believed that was coming.

What's Heath Ledger gonna do- sue us?

He's a good actor and he'll appreciate that he will be remembered in one of the most controversial and shocking endings in modern film. People are excited for The Dark Knight and they wanna be left with something that will be remembered - and if Heath Ledger as The Joker was killed by Batman- people will remember it. So hurry and someone call up Christopher Nolan and tell him to call back all the copies in theaters before this things hits the screen...tomorrow.

P.S. These Pineapple Express posters are sweet

2008-07-12T19:50:00.001-07:00

The Future is ours.