Wednesday, May 20, 2009

The National-Socialist Manifesto for America:

(To be mass produced and distributed freely to all schools, banks, churches, bars, whorehouses, union lobbies, political parties and all other communities of good faith)


Are you tired of the pejorative use of the term "Socialism", "Fascism" and the high-jacking of the word "Patriot" as well as the right to a love of Freedom?

As fertile youthfully minded leftist Obama supporters plan the future; The National-Socialist Party is their party!
Turn off Keith Olberman and stop yelling at Glenn Beck!


Now is the time. Newsweek has proclaimed "WE ARE ALL SOCIALISTS NOW!" While I would never question our proudly liberal media it is true that America has a future that is destined to be made up of more than just your simple European-Laissez-Faire-La-di-Da-Can-I-Borrow-A-Quarter-Socialists under its newly-welcomed Socialist Presidential Administration.

We are Americans! We are Patriotic! We are NATIONAL-SOCIALISTS!! We are one nation UNDER OBAMA! FREE at last!

We mustn't fear a redistribuiton of wealth as we are running low on wealth to redistribute! Our wealth comes from within! We must never forget that we are the ones we've been waiting for! We are all Obama and Obama is US!

CHANGE has come to AMERICA:

We were dying! We cried for help! We demanded an end to the specter that haunted us so severely in recent times.
We prayed for an answer. OBAMA has come as that answer.

AMERICA is restoring its image! Thanks to the rising power of our fearless, charismatic and impossible-not-to-love PRESIDENT we have gracefully returned to being the shining city upon a hill!!

This shall be displayed to all as we wear the symbol of his glorious rising sun as a literal arm-band of honor! Our soft drinks will proudly display this symbol!! We will be reminded of it on billboards of said soft drinks that will reinforce positive phrases like "Joy", "Love" ,"Pop" and "Hope".

However, not all is well. The Democratic Party has a name that is going to be tarnished just as the name The Republican Party is so openly despised today. As members of that Vile Vermin, the first being Arlen "Specter that haunts us", sneak into the new RISING, RULING PARTY of AMERICA we must distance ourselves from those who oppose the CHANGE(!) our fearless leader has promised our GREAT NATION.

We must distance ourselves from all former political parties and create one single party that works for all Americans!!

The NATIONAL-SOCIALIST PARTY! as if that was not already evident by this point.

What About the CHILDREN?:

We must not allow Sarah Palin or Joe the Plumber anywhere near our Children!!! Our Children will be sent to education camps known as "Public Schools" where they will be taught Math, Evolution and Political-Correctness!! They shall wear cute little uniforms every morning as they Pledge their Allegiance!!

The Boy Scouts will forced to allow gays to join in the fun of homoerotic experimentation at summer camps!! They shall now be referred to as the OBAMA YOUTH! Our children will be forced to participate in shameful sex education courses where they will proudly and openly be given condoms!!..For which they will use during premarital SEX!!

Is their HOPE for TOMORROW?:

We are demanding regulations on all evil, greedy, and polluting corporate business!! These qualifications of such terms will be arbitrary as we will hate all companies whose CEO's are old ugly white men whose eyes we do not trust. We call for a Nationalizing of our failing Banks! We are demanding a outlaw on all that capitalism allows us to be harmed!! This includes all physical, emotional, social, financial, intellectual, romantic, mental, spiritual or fictitious pain that can be blamed on a functioning business!! We shall ban Tans-Fats and all Carbs as we Tax our soda! and Finally, We Must undoubtedly have mandatory Minorities in the finalists of American Idol!!

We have already passed S-Chip, the Lilly Ledbetter Fair Pay Act, put a time-table on the Iraq War, purchased a puppy and are moving towards denouncing torture. (allowing our NEW AMERICAN STANDARD to openly affect the lives of children, women, the younger generation to whom we owe so much, the media and common decency). But is this enough as the Republican Party lies in a ditch waiting among us to strike once more? To prevent no future Republican Revolutions, all True-Blue Americans must ask ourselves: What is the final solution to the Republican question?


Much has been said of the shrinking Conservative base of the Republican party that has left our beloved country in such a state as it is today. Their Grand Old Party is squiring like rats, after they had feasted on the accomplishments of the preceding more socialist leader(s) who had brought peace and prosperity.

Their party caused division, and distrust amongst our people. Their final leader, with his beady eyes and pointy nose led his rats into our schools and churches and forced us to be poorer and more ignorant than we had been in decades (or at least a little over a half of one decade).

Now they have no country, no home, and have squeaked loudly enough to hear only on one day this year with their pathetic teabags on how they don't even wish to contribute to the growth and upstart of the New Rising Socialist America. Obama's America! An America where our children will be free of a world of Evangelical Conservative Republicans!!

The Evangelical Republican Right Wing of this country whines and complains while playing the role of the victim to garner our sympathy and pity! They are rats and undeserving of our sympathy, our pity, our time or our respect!!

WHAT is to be DONE?

The republicans are TRAITORS! to our country and our handsome PRESIDENT!!! They are not worthy to witness his thrilling and captivating speeches that have United, once again, our UNITED States. They have cost us our image by tearing Iraq into shambles. For this I offer only one solution: American Prisons in Iraq...for all TRAITORS!!!

They have utilized secret prisons in Europe and have proudly displayed to the world the atrocities of Abu Ghraib and Guantanamo Bay. I offer no other option but to separate these TRAITORS from The Socialist Nation of Obama and use their own tax dollars to separate and contain them within their own prisons.

For those who wish to not support the NEW RISING SOCIALIST AMERICA through their taxes, they shall be blacklisted and forced to earn the money that they would owe in taxes by collecting all that trickles down in newly built LABOR CAMPS(!!) that will also be built not only with their money....but OUT of their money!!!

YES, THAT IS CORRECT! The GREEDY and covetous rats, that are the remaining Republicans who slither around us, will be held in camps made entirely of bricks bound out of the cotton that is our legal tender.

As sickness spreads through these heathens we will offer no health care options. By which, we must be very careful with how we define the term "universal". Their hardest workers can pick themselves up from their bootstraps and teach themselves how to be doctors! If this does not occur we shall allow them once a week to gather where they can pray to their 6,000 year old god, whose name we shall no longer capitalize, for a cure to their illnesses.

Those who act out inside the labor camps will face the wrath of a newly stated military policy!! For we shall remove "Don't ask, Don't Tell" and it shall be replaced with "Try it, You Might Like It" where homophobic dissenters will be forced to have a homosexual experience ....and with a black man(!) who they will refer to only as My Commander-in-Chief.

We shall openly reject their plan to place Ronald Reagan (whose name makes NEW SOCIALIST AMERICANS vomit) on the 10 Dollar bill. His face is not worthy of our toilet paper and will be outright banned on reasons of unwarranted dissent alone!


All Dissent will now be strictly controlled. All Ayn Rand books will be collected and shat in for being as stupid as they are long and boring!!! During any open protests we shall surround the dissenters and parade them with cheers of OBAMA! OBAMA! USSA!

No, fuck it, We must PUT AN END to DISSENT ALTOGETHER!! We must hurry and pass the Fairness Doctrine silencing the radio voice that speaks ILL of our PRESIDENT and promotes propaganda that could inhibit our ultimately socialist goals.

All American Cheeseburgers will be sold only with Dijoun Mustard!! No regular mustard shall be permitted as its color represents cowardice. Ketchup shall not be permitted as its RED is a reminder of two things that induce nausea and discontent in the stomachs and hearts, respectively, in all TRUE NEW NATIONAL-SOCIALIST AMERICANS. Fore, It is the color of the burning political right wing, and its brand is associated with Sen. Kerry who failed to lead us or his swift boat buddies to any thing close to victory! We must make it mandatory that they are never served without a side of FASCIST fries, presented solely to ween the public on the idea that FASCISM in AMERICA is DELICIOUS!!


THIS IS A CALL TO ARMS!!! WE SHALL LEAD THE WAY TO A NEW SOCIALIST EMPIRE in our bumper-stickered Volvos that exhaust fumes of rainbows and sunshine while holding our new Starbucks Travel companion carrying packs (yeah, did you hear about that? They're fuckin sweet...and we get like 12 espressos! I know!!)!!!

Hail OBAMA! and God Bless the USSA!


-Joel Straley, 2009

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