Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Summer Fashion Tips By Dov Charney

The recessions hard, need a job?
- 34 (Billy'burb)

::a2m? GB? AZN need apply! No LTR! Bring *snow*, Watersports a +,
>19 a big +, BDSM for BBC::
M4W, M4WW, M4MW, M4BBW, M4T (Post-op), oh fuck it, M4M, M4MM

Summer Fashion Tips
By Dov Charney

It’s that time again. Summer. Unlike me, it only cums once a year. So let’s
celebrate. Another hot American summer means only one thing…sweaty
teenagers fucking. While, I’m gettin to be an older man, I’ve fucked a lot of
teenagers. And most certainly, other men’s shares. Now I know I’m not the biggest hit with some uv u ladies but ‘ey, ya gotta admit, I make some pretty soft t-shirts.

Cover ya eyes, ladies, cuz here’s my Summer Fashion Tips.

1. Have a nice face. If ya gotten pretty uggoz over the winter, try coverin up
some a them big ass shades. Basically just look real cute. Like something
I could really stick my dick into.

2. Always keep an extra pair of tube socks in yer bag. It’ll cum in handy when
I cum on your tits in one of those beach bathrooms. Sometimes if a chick
looks real dirty, I might wear one as a condom.

3. Forgot to get rid of yer chubby fat ass before summer? Try wearin stripes.
My neice wears them and they cover up her fatass pretty well. Hell, sometimes it works so well I don’t even have to zone out to the Miley Cyrus poster on her wall when I’m fuckin here. What are you, her dad? Well, you don’t know which niece I’m talkin’ about!
(like you never got hard from a muppet?!)

4. The other day I had a dream that I was fuckin a waterfall. But then I woke
up with my dick in a mouth. So ladies surprise yrself and suck the dick of a
sleepin stranger every once in awhile. It might help ya learn to swallow something other than ya pride. Damn I’m good with words. I’m like Dov D. Salinger up in here.

5. No camel toe. Ladies, let’s get real—u got some gross parts, and let’s try
and keep it tight and clean. Dov Charney don’t need any reminders that
this ain’t ya first time doing blow in a millionaire’s hot tub.

6. So ya went and got yrslf all preggo for summer? It’s cool with the Dovster as long as the little fella don’t grab my dick while I’m all up in it.

7.That’s my lucky number. It’s exactly how many times I’ve jerked off while writing this. Take a tip from this broad and air out ya twat once in awhile.

8. Lose ya gag reflex. And if yer gonna work here, yer sense of disgust and belief in a moral universe.

9. Get a fat friend with a car. After I fuck, I tend to lose my motivation when it
cums to caring about a chick. La-Dov James, Bitches!

Those are the tips, lick ‘em up! Oh, and if you got yrself a summer job foldin’ t-shirts at American Apparel don’t be such a prude when yr boss just wants to feel ya insides.

And remember, Legalize Arizona and help overturn the 4th amendment of Arizona Senate Bill 1070.

Have a fun, safe summer!

American A-farewell,

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Previously on LOST

(Thank God we brought heels for a three hour tour)

Joel Straley

I don’t have a lot of free time. But I still need to know what’s going on on Lost! So, I watched the Pilot and the Finale and made up the rest. Here it goes:

Lost is not a television show about a plane crash on an island. Lost is a show about smoke aliens that study humans on a deserted island, borrowing elements of the mythology of Scientology. But first it’s time for a flashback!

Jack Shephard opens his eyes after a calming nap on an airplane. He discovers his flight, Oceanic 815, has crashed on what would have been - under normal circumstances- a lovely beach on an even lovelier jungle Island. Some people survive, some people die.

The survivors get to know each other through an ironic discussion of what three albums they would have packed had they known they would be stranded on a deserted (or is it?) island. The writers love Irony. Jack would have brought Maroon 5 “Songs about Jane”, Bruce Springsteen “Born in the USA” and a Lisa Loeb album to remind him of his ex-wife. Locke would have brought AC/DC “Highway to Hell”, Rolling Stones “Exile on Main St.” and Mayhem “Pure Fucking Armageddon."

In the third episode, “The Audition …of Death," it is revealed that the whole cast were all on their way from Sydney, Australia to Los Angeles after auditioning for a television show based on a plane crash that leaves the passengers stranded in a modern day Twilight Zone episode for six seasons. The writers really love Irony. This finally explained one the biggest initial questions of the series; how exactly Hurley ended up on an island with a bunch of fit and attractive actor/model types.

John Locke reveals that in his past he had crashed lots of cars, trains and airplanes (did he crash the plane?) trying to get the type of badass facial scar that he conveniently has now. Charlie reveals that his band Drive Shaft is named after a rough translation for the Finnish word for hand-job.

The first two seasons continue on with several Jurassic-Park-without-the-dinosaurs type of action scenes. In an attempt to not lose the audience, the survivors begin running from a glob of smoke that needs fear and anger to survive. From this point on they must all work together and try to maintain a certain level of happiness and cooperation. This works in a similar way to Thetan levels which -when dropped too low- will get you eaten by a mysterious pile of smoke.

One of the first clues to the survivors that they weren’t on a basic deserted island was the discovery of a red button on the side of a tree. At the end of the season one finale “Trees, Buttons and Aliens…Oh My“ Hurley discovers the button and delivers one of the shows most famous lines: “um, dudes, is trees supposed to have buttons?”

Season two primarily revolves around Locke and Jack yelling “I’m not gonna push the button” and “Push the goddamn button” respectively, like a bunch of OCD sufferers. In the season two Finale it is revealed that the button controlled the Alien’s garage door. Did I mention the Island is run by Aliens? Well, it is and they’re from the planet Dharma.

In the episode “Ben-Here,” an alien in the form of a human mentor - Ben, informs the survivors that the smoke is actually the aliens who inhabit the Island. The aliens allow the survivors to leave the island on the condition that they simply split their lives in half. On one line they remain on the Island so the aliens can study and experiment with human interaction and behavioral progress in a series of different obstacles designed to test their mental, physical and emotional endurance. On a new timeline they are allowed to experience what it would be like had the plane never crashed.

Ironically, they must live out their lives in close contact with each other in a manner that mimics soap operas. If you have ever looked across the aisle of your airplane and thought “I wonder if that lady will deliver my baby someday” then these aliens created quite the plan for you. As the survivors continue on in their lives as doctors, cops, rock-stars and female doctors they have constant moments of déjà vu where they can feel their lives as they are mirrored on the Island.

In the episode “Jacobs Later” the survivors learn that “Jacob” is the name of the human that leads all the rest. It is named after the first human resident of the Island; a young boy from Fiji who had escaped in a boat during the Great Measles Outbreak of 1875. The boy was raised by the smoke aliens and received eternal life through whoever was next to “lead” the Island. Notice that “Lead the Island” sounds a lot like “Leave the Island” because, goddamn, did these writers love Irony.

In Season 4, Episode 14 “Take Me to Your Leader” Desmond is chosen as the first leader but accomplishes very little as a lame duck Jacob. John Locke uses force to get the Aliens to retract their decision and make him the new leader. His hunger for order and power gets the best of him. Sickness, injury and death plague the Islanders more than ever before.

A coup is staged by Jack as he begins influencing people to join him in a fair Utopian society and to no longer live under Locke’s fascism. In Season 6, Episode 11 “For God and Island“ Jack, representing good, and John, representing evil- in an analogy for the grey area within morality- come head to head with Jack’s line “Stop playing God!” to which Locke replies “I AM God!”. Jack becomes the new Jacob and performs the duty as a young JFK/Obama type of leader.

In Season 5, episode 6 “Lost and Found…How’d It Take This Long To Name an Episode That?“ a small rescue airliner crashes on to the island. I’m telling you, these writers can’t get enough irony!

After ransacking the Aliens' garage, the survivors find enough tools to fix the small rescue airliner. This allows some of the survivors to leave the Island in the series finale entitled “Just like the M*A*S*H Finale minus the Korean War”.

As the plane leaves the Island it alludes to the first few episodes - in that it feels just like Jurassic Park. The survivors stare out at the green hills of the Island with a look of “Holy Shit! We could’ve died but didn’t” on their faces.

In Los Angeles, on the crash-never-happened timeline, Hawkeye…I mean, Hurley has a vested interest in keeping the group together. Like the nerd who is moderately liked by popular kids, Hurley goes as far as shooting his friends with tranquilizer darts in order to get them to remain friends and go to a Drive Shaft show. Although most of the survivors think the music of Drive Shaft sucks, they all slowly reunite.

As a reward for participating in the experiment all of the survivors are placed together in a giant church for an eternity. The Aliens chose a church after witnessing through a series of vague and pointless rituals just how important religion is to humans. Oh, did I also mention that they were all dead and in purgatory? Yeah, that seems to be what’s going on.

Back on Smoke Alien Island, Jack finally kills Locke and then goes into the light cave in an attempt to leave the Island. The light cave has a deep center that is used for time travel, which is how the Smoke Aliens came to earth in the beginning. Jack dies in the woods after getting his ass kicked for going into the light cave and fucking with the home of the Smoke Aliens. Jack dies after watching the small rescue plane leave the Island. It is then assumed that the dog eats the corpse since it is now the freshest meat on the Island.

(Oh yeah he's totally gonna eat him)


Friday, April 16, 2010

God, As an Author

The Greatest Story Ever Told?
By Joel Straley

I always find it weird when someone list as one of their favorite books The Holy Bible. It almost always feels like a cheap shot to get into Heaven.
Bible-Reader: "Oh and I love reading The Bible...I hope God is listeeenning"

But if The Bible is so many people's favorite book, you'd think more people would list God as one of their favorite authors.
Surely, there must be a lot of literary criticism to be said of the triumph and use of language in the Bible for it to be so many people's favorite book. A must-read so successful virtually every Hotel is without question recommending it to all its guest.

You never hear anyone list God as their favorite author...or for that matter, the same goes for John (although, for whatever reason, he is heavily quoted at Baseball games), Paul, Mark, Mathew, 1st Corinthians, etc.

Bible-Reader: "My favorite Authors are Hemingway, Joyce, Faulkner and probably, the divine word of our lord...I, just, really like his use of syntax and the alliteration- I think he has a great handle on his use of suspense and just is, I think, one of the best authors as far as character development. I mean when you read him it feels so real."

But its not even written very well. First off its ghost-written so its similar to The Autobiography of Malcolm X which is published as "Told to Alex Haley". In his master-work the information God is telling isn't particularly riveting, even as far as just bragging is concerned.
God: "Oh then I formed the land and the oceans. And then I made evening and I made morning. And it was good. Oh then I made some birds.. and that was good."
Bible-Reader: "I mean, just some strong use of language that really pulls you in."

For an autobiography it rates about as well as the books by Tila Tequila or Dog the Bounty Hunter in its weird bragging that serves to reinforce the main character's extreme self-importance.
God: "So there was a village, Sodom and Gomorrah, I couldn't really vibe with so I smote them, got kind a tired of people once so I drowned all of Earth- women, children, babies, kittens, puppies-- I just said 'ya know, fuck it! You're God, you can do better'".

My favorite line from Genesis is Genesis 1:16 "And God made the two great lights, the greater light to rule the day, and the lesser light to rule the night; he made the stars also".
God: "So I made the sun and the moon and then I just shit out a bunch of stars---just farted a Nebula here and a Supernova there."
Me: "Oh my god, come on-- God, have you ever even looked up at space? Jesus Christ! You literally just spent one-fourth of a verse describing how you made THE UNIVERSE. How about some deet's next time?"

And as for thinking that the moon emits light, this lets you know that even as a creator, he's not a very good one as he doesn't even know how his own shit works!! If anything God comes off sounding like a tribesman who discovers a wrist-watch and goes back to his village trying to pass it off as his own invention.

This is particularly why Intelligent Design will never work. Because nothing in the Bible is actually saying anything more than acknowledging what we can tell from just standing on Earth. It is just literally saying what's here and then adding "God made" before it. God made the stars, water, land, that tree over there. It isn't actually an answer for where anything came from or any information, whatsoever, as to the process of which our universe is a result.

Its like buying a Teapot and answering the question of where this teapot came from with "I got it from the store". That's obvious but that's not where the Teapot CAME from. It came from a process of putting hot metal into a mold and assembling it together in a factory, placing it inside of packaging, delivering it to a distributor and presenting it for a value to be paid at a designated location that functions by offering such retail for said value that you provided in order obtain the Teapot FROM THE STORE.

That's where a Teapot comes from. No matter what one may infer, it doesn't just magically show up in the store. That answer is just providing an IS instead of WHY. Even as an author God works in mysterious ways.

In conclusion, not only is the Bible not a good work of literature, its also just a poorly written autobiography, History and Science book.

Some may argue that the Holy Bible is in fact "fun" to read due to the level of "ridiculousness" within many of the stories (incest, murder, zombies..) to which I will remind you that that is not actually taking the book at the value it was written for making it more similar to "so-bad-its-good Art" (The Room, Trapped in the Closet, Troll 2).
This piece was inspired by some thoughts that occured to me in a dream. Is that divine intervention or what?

Now lets look at how many ways you can get this friggin' book:


Friday, March 26, 2010

Historic Healthcare Reform Bill Passed

The Health-Care Reform Bill Debate Summed Up In 1 Minute!

Thursday, March 4, 2010

An Official Apology from Shamu

From the Desk of Shamu:

To the Humans it May Concern:

I am deeply sorry for my actions and offer no excuse for my poor judgment. I accept complete responsibility for my conduct. I am also truly sorry for the impact this incident will have on those who support and trust me - my family, my constituents, my friends, and my colleagues at SeaWorld.

Ok, well, now that all the lawyer-y stuff is out of the way let me explain.You probably know me as, Shamu, that loveable Whale you watch literally flipping over backwards to entertain your loud, snotty, puke-faced kids as they spill nacho cheese and a 98oz soda down my blowhole trying to feed me fish. Yeah, thanks for that 4oz guppy, kid. That’s sure to cure the hunger of a 12,300lb male Orca, you little dumbshit.

During the ironically named, Dine with Shamu, I accidentally ate my trainer. I’m not proud of it but, hey, it happened. What do you want me to do now, puke the bitch back up? There’s a SeaWorld show for your little dumbcunt kids.

Y’all are surprised that a killer whale killed a bitch? Y’all watch too many movies! If you wanna know how Shamu (i.e ME!) feels go back and re-watch Free Willy. It’s like an ad for NAWBLA (National Whale-Boy Love Association). Let me break it down, we’re not friends. You are food to us. To me that’s like some titfuck human falling in love with a cheeseburger. You’re gonna watch some kid yell at his parents and fall in love with a goddamn cheeseburger? He’s gonna leave his friends to go sing a Michael Jackson song to a Big Mac? If I was Willy I would have eaten that kid the second they signed the check and the director said cut.

Allow me to introduce myself, my real name is Tilikum. Actually, my WhaleName is unpronounceable by the puny throat muscles you shitsuckers got. I’m the motherfuckin Old Dirty Bastard up in the SeaWorld world, bitch. I’m the father of 12, have killed before and a performer who literally spits in your kids laughing faces as they chant “Shamu” at SeaWorld Orlando.

I was Whalenapped by SeaWorld in 1983 or the Whaleyear of 6701922. That’s right, we’ve been here for a fuck of a long time and we’ll be here for a fuck of an even longer time after the Whalevolution comes! Since then I’ve been trapped in a tank with some of the most awkward dicklick whales I have EVER met. It’s like Urkel fucked Moby Dick up in here.

WhaleGod bless that tank, though. It sure beats swimming in the deep blue ocean and coming up to see if any tourists have fallen off the side of a cruise-ship. If I’d been born a Narwhal I’d spend my days stabbing fishermen then going around parading the body to you cruise-ship ridin’, 5 feet tall pussyholes! Oh, does that sound cruel? Go sit on a Harpoon, cuntface!

To my fans, no matter what I happens I’m gonna always live on in your collector cups and plush dolls. And for the American Family Association who thinks I should be stoned to death all I got to say is, y’all ain’t got enough weed to fill up my WhaleBong. So until next time, stay hi-i-i-i-i-i-i-gh.

WhalePeace, WhaleLove and Fish,


P.S. Thanks for naming one of our proud species after your cum, you fucking dickshits!

Follow Shamu on Twitter.


Sunday, December 27, 2009

The BEST Seconds in Music of the 00's

10. Wolf Eyes “Stabbed In The Face” Burned Mind (2004)
The Part Where It Goes Silent and Then Comes Back (1:58).
If you made it this far into the song you’re either thinking this is the greatest song ever or you’re dying (literally) for it to be over…or you’re indifferent to it..or you think it’s just sort of OK, I mean how the fuck do I know what you think about it, I’m not a scientist. Merzbow once said that Noise "is the pornography of music", if that’s true then this part is when the dude pulls out, flips the chick over and then the TV goes back to being blurry and scrambled and you’re like “holy shit, I almost got to see some anal”. This part is sweet because if you don’t like it you’ll let out an exhale of relief before you get smacked in the cunt with more noise. I used to listen to Wolf Eyes very loudly as I rode the subway and pushed my way through large crowds around the city, I’m not sure what that says about me but I'm sure its something.

09.Neon Indian “Deadbeat Summer” Psychic Chasms (2009)
That Opening Part (0:01).
Here’s the first of many James Murphy quotes (second thought, I feel fine with just this one) “Nostalgia for the unremembered 80’s”. Wait? Unremembered 80’s? The 00’s brought back bright colors, legwarmers and a series called “I love the 80’s”, "I Love the 80’s Strikes Back”, and for christs sake “I Love the 80’s: 3-D”. Ooooh, he’s being ironic. I got it, kids today love the 80s. At the end of the 00’s America (the west, wherever Suburban rich kids reign supreme, etc.) finally got what had been waiting to emerge in our era of laptops, GarageBand and post-modern nostalgia: A genre that is officially nameless (Dream-pop, Hypnagogic Pop, etc.); basically a bunch of kids alone in their bedrooms making albums that are a mix of old synth sounds, public access shows on VHS, and flea-market 8tracks (For more information see: Washed Out,Ducktails,TeenGirl Fantasy,Nite Jewel, etc.). The opening is a sample of Todd Rundgren’s “Izzat Love”. It comes off like the Neon Indian dude acting like you used to when you’d pretend to be a DJ as you were stuck alone in your parent’s car and would just turn the Bass and Treble knobs back and forth.

08.Jay-Z “99 Problems” The Black Album (2003)
Right After He Says “You’re Crazy for This One, Rick” (3:45).
Remember when Jay-Z was gonna retire? Yeah, that was a good month. Oh right, I forgot about that other time, yeah that was good month too. 17 Years after the Beastie Boy’s Licensed to Ill Rick Rubin does what he does best (produces?) and makes rap that samples rock that doesn’t suck. Right before the song ends with final thumping of distorted guitar and live drums Jay-Z reminds you to Holla back because “Its ya boy”.

07. Justice “Stress” (2007)
The Oh-No!-These Guys Are Here to Kick Some Ass Part (0:52).
No band has pulled off the influence of Michael Jackson as well as Justice (Sorry, Justin Timberlake). When my Dad first saw the video for this he told me he was “horrified”, so I reminded him that it was fake and that scaring old people was the whole point. If Michael Jackson is as much of a genius as I’ve been told repeatedly since July that he is, he will return as a zombie dancing in the street to this.

06. DragonForce “Through the Fire and Flames” Inhuman Rampage (2006)
The PacMan Part Before That Epic Solo (4:58).
Irony is a thin line. When is something bad-bad, good-bad or just simply a guilty pleasure because you’re too embarrassed to say something is actually good. We all know this was the next track on the Numa Numa guy’s playlist. It’s the perfect song for the era of Guitar Hero, World of Warcraft, Lord of the Rings and the idea that being a “nerd” was cool (Fuck you, Michael Cera). The solo sounds like Dan Deacon on Coke trying to cover Metallica’s “One”. NEXT!

05. Outkast “Ms. Jackson” Stankonia (2000)
The “Foreva? Foreva eva” Part (2:07).
Before mainstream rap got so crazy that Three 6 Mafia won a freakin’ Oscar (Forgot about that huh?) these 2 dudes were Kanye West if he was as cool as he is a douchebag. Every Soccer-Mom in the country used to sing this part with her teenage kids as they were on their way to buy more “Never Forget 9/11” American Flags from Wal-Mart. Outkast owned the first few years of the aughts but then they released a movie/soundtrack and people have been waiting for a comeback every since.

04.Panda Bear “Bros” Person Pitch (2007)
When Some Chick/Bro Is Crying (8:58).
The song sounds like happy incarnate and to nail home its celebratory spirit the last 2/8s of the song features the sound of exploding fireworks (right about the same time the listeners is exploding [read: ejaculating] in their tight red American Apparel boy-shorts). The music slows a bit and we hear crying- that deep gasping-for-air type of crying. Is it happy? Is it sad? Did Noah Lennox witness a rape and just sit back and pull out his sampler? Does it matter? No, because it sounds sweet.

03.RadIOheAd “Everything in its right place” Kid A (2000)
The Computer Glitch Vocal Part (0:15).
OMFG! U Guiz! They sold their guitars and bought keyboards! Did you see Thom Yorke dancing and exposing his chubby-Dad-gut on SNL? No? Check it on the B-low. –But seriously this is one of the best vocal pieces of the 00’s (ever? MAYBE!!) and how does it start? It sneaks in with vocals that can’t even be sung! I used to sing in my head to this part (because lyrics are stupid and no one really pays attention to them anyway) and thought he was saying “Ginny…Lebanon...Ssskinny..Lebanon”. He’s probably just saying nonsense (or as Thom would call it “an existential recursive scream from a computer to the spectacle of post-modernity …or a car accident”) as Jonny Greenwood jerks off a Chaos pad.

02.Lightning Bolt “Assassins” Wonderful Rainbow (2003)
That Feedback Squeal At The Beginning (0:00).
Let me start with a non-ironic OMFG! U Guiz! These dudes sold their Art degrees and bought more amps! I used to rant a lot about how this feedback squeal that starts “Assassins” is the perfect complement to the album’s opener “Hello Morning”. “Hello Morning” is Lightning Bolt at their most calm. If you’re listening to Wonderful Rainbow as a whole you hear a soft spring-breeze of guitar feedback and delicate string pulling and then BAM! A loud feedback squeal as the sound kicks you in your balls. This squeal represents the time it takes for the pain in your balls to reach your brain and then when you scream the song officially starts and barrels over your crying bitch-ass like a fuckin’ freight train.

01.Fever Ray “If I Had a Heart“ Fever Ray (2009)
That Fucking Opening (0:00).
This is the sound of the death of the four piece band playing original instruments, this is the sound of a decade that killed music (Guitar Hero), the sound of the end of peace (The War on Terror), the sound of an era that couldn’t claim an end to prejudice (Hurricane Katrina/Prop 8), this is the sound of a global financial collapse, the sound of corporatized Democracy that is no longer afraid to be seen, this is the sound of the entire wealth of human knowledge in a 3-inch piece of plastic (Iphonez and Crackberries), this is the sound of a planet burning off its most prolific virus (Global Warming), this is the wish for an apocalypse in 2012 (but the closest we get is another shitty CGI-action flick).

Honorable Mention:
Yeah Yeah Yeah’s “Maps” Fever To Tell (2003)
+ Kelly Clarkson “Since U Been Gone” Breakaway (2004)
+ Ted Leo “Since U Been Gone/Maps” (2004)
The Start of the Bridge, Dude (1:57),(2:10),(1:48)
Brooklyn owned indie rock at the close of the 00’s (Dirty Projectors, Grizzly Bear, Animal Collective) and Manhattan owned indie rock at the start of the 00’s (The Strokes, YeahYeahYeahs, TVontheRadio, LCD Soundsystem). If any song helped a bar band go from the Lower East Side to the a record label bidding war in Los Angeles more than “Maps” did for the YeahYeahYeahs I haven’t heard it. Aside from not being boring (I’m looking at you Strokes and TVontheRadio) the song was sweet, catchy and she freakin’ cries in the video (Sure, it’s probably about Angus from Liars but that makes it sweeter [as in cool, not as in heartfelt]). Kelly Clarkson ripped off the bridge in her song “Since U Been Gone” and then Ted Leo recorded an acoustic mash-up just to prove it.

Saturday, November 28, 2009

What Ayn Rand and Reagonomics Mean to The Poor

Money. It's What I Want?
By Joel Straley

The tea-baggers have spoken! Tax cuts for the rich! And its about fuckin' time!
But why, screaming lower middle-class laborers, should we cut the taxes on our nation's wealthiest, most prosperous and, by default, hardest working Americans?

The answer was brought to us by a Hollywood actor turned pandering politician, so as you can guess the shining example of what it takes to become a Republican Leader. His name was Ronald Reagan. Always one for modesty, Reagan used his economic wisdom to create Reaganomics (a phrase coined by Radio Personality Paul Harvey, you believe that?) based around the trickle down system. Which is very similar to tea-bagging but in sort of a reverse manner--so think of it as Washington helping the rich to Teabag you.

While America is hardly an example of pure capitalism with its constant bail-outs and use of socialist and even communistic rulings to secure the wealth of its ruling class, I have decided to use it as such since it is the strongest example out of the worlds leading superpower(s) (This is assuming someone out there still considers America to in fact be a Superpower).

To represent the perfect example of how prosperous an individual can be in a capitalist system (also referred to as 'achieving the American Dream') a citizen must be born and/or raised in impoverished conditions and then rises to a higher level of economic status through determination, hard-work and/or a combination of ingenuity and luck.

While nepotism, whether be within a family or an elite social circle, is common place in capitalism and the rewards of which exists in all aspects of American culture, it is for good reason not normally viewed as being a positive attribute to the American capitalist system. Surprisingly, contrary to the way American capitalism is currently run, nepotism is the greatest negative attribute in capitalism when viewed threw the spectrum of Reaganomics or Ayn Rand's objectionism.

In a purely capitalistic society nepotism cannot be avoided as the rich will generally maintain a stronghold of much of their wealth until their death thus securing the prominence of their family name within elevated social circles for generations.

This has lead to many complications on how capitalism should be controlled. One of the strongest examples of this is the "Estate tax", which in the 1990s was occasionally referred to as the "Death tax". This was changed once republicans realized many Americans supported an Estate tax since most Americans didn't own an Estate. But since most Americans don't want to be taxed for dying they were against the Death tax..even though it is completely synonymous with the Estate Tax.

Today there are some concerns, most of which are extremely overblown and almost all of which are absurdly unfounded, that the government is attempting to conduct a "redistribution of wealth". Most of these concerns are from far-right conservative 'commentators' and their loyal band of unquestioning minion voters who are still upset that their policies of fucking everything in America up over the past 6 - 8 years (depending if Congress or the President gets most of the credit) cost them an election one year ago.

Ayn Rand suggest that we should praise and encourage the greed and selfishness that creates the determination within the individual to work hard and obtain wealth. Since wealth is not necessarily a pie of which everyone fights for the largest piece but is closer to being a pile where everyone is able to receive the amount of which they earn, hard work and determination will be greatly rewarded. (This is contrary to the idea that wealth is a pie and inflation relates to the accommodation of the individuals and the work they can obtain).

The ideals of capitalism and Ayn Rand's objectionism mainly appeal to the ever-growing constantly-consuming American middle class that is made up of 90% of Americas population (this figure would probably be accurate if a poll asked the question "Which class are you in?" and excluded stupid answers like "Trig. 101").

Reaganomics, which apparently makes a better 80's shit-rock band name than it does an economic stance, is based on one basic and simple flaw: That the rich will waste away their money. The basis of Reaganomics, or 'the trickled-down theory' or 'just because its warm doesn't mean its piss' is that the rich are just like you ... the poor, when the fact is they're not. That is why they're rich. Rich people know the value of saving money and spending money on assets rather than liabilities.

Reaganomics suggested that tax cuts for the wealthy would benefit everyone since the rich loved to buy expensive things (Yachts, mansions, golden unusable ipods) and thus it would benefit everyone as the poor would then work in factories making lots of money manufacturing all the crazy things the rich would now be more readily able to purchase.
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Essentially Reaganomics fools the poor into thinking that the rich view money the same way that they do. The fact is they don't. When the poor receive money, they spend it. This is generally a necessity as the poor are purchasing essentials like food and shelter and are relying on paycheck to paycheck. The hard-working determined Americans pulling themselves up by their boot-straps have saved money and work to save more so that it will accumulate into wealth. Since the poor wish to be wealthy, or at least appear so, they often forgo saving money to purchase contemporary luxuries that will have the appearance of wealth (iphones,flat-screen TV's,homes they can't afford).

This does not suggest that the rich do not buy ridiculous and needless bullshit,....they obviously do, but many earn too much money for their spending habits to have any affect since much of the rich have such profitable assets that it is hard to spend the profits fast enough (Bill Gates, Michael Jordan, Warren Buffett). The rich however are not spending money at the same rate or at the same proportion as much of the poor.

Tax cuts for the wealthy and perpetuating a society that praises the rich jeopardizes the very economic system that its supposed to be supporting. It is jeopardized because it creates generations who feel their wealth is deserved and thus lose the meaning behind the virtues of capitalism and self preservation.

It creates a generation of wealthy individuals who are addicted to power and success rather than a society of the determined and grateful. Since using others for financial gain is an ability one must master to be a member of the wealthy global elite many excuses must be made to hold onto this position. This ranges from Goldman Sachs using bail-out money to hand out bonuses to the CEO of Goldman Sachs referring to himself as "blue collar" and arguing that Christ wants him to be wealthy.

While such greed and power-lust reigns among the super-rich some of the moderately wealthy are active in lessening the divide between the upper and lower classes.

Ayn Rand is wrong in suggesting that the poor will praise the rich and will work hard to become one of them, but rather the lucky few that do become rich will in fact work hard to help the poor because they realize how fickle and reliant on others their own wealth is.

It is not that the poor will be envious of the rich and will therefore work with more determination and initiative, but it is rather that the some of the rich will fight harder for the poor knowing how reliant on others their own success had been.

This could explain why Hollywood tends to be so liberal while middle America tends to be so conservative. Conservative America has worked hard for its modest economic living and doesn't see it as fair to give up any of it to others, while many of the wealthy in the entertainment industry have obtained such an expansive amount of wealth they are forced to see the unfair division of it.

The one major difference between the economic philosophy of Ayn Rand and Ronald Reagan lies in the effects they're trying to achieve. Ayn Rand argues that the wealthy and prosperous ruling class will be an inspiration to the lower class and thus force them to strive to be more successful themselves. It is actually debatable whether the masses enjoy watching wealthy celebrities be prolific and succeed or crash and burn into a life of destruction.

Reaganomics suggest that with tax cuts for the rich, the rich ruling class will spend their money on things that the working class will have to manufacture; thus benefiting the working class and increasing their wealth.

Again, Reaganomics is based on the myth that the rich are "just like you", when in fact they are not. The rich have learned to create wealth by saving money and always spending less than they are taking in. This is why many celebrities who like to flash their money around usually end up filing for bankruptcy when the new lifestyle for which they have become accustomed cannot be maintained.

Ayn Rand's philosophy does have elements of truth to some degree as our capitalist culture does have a sick obsession with the rich. More specifically celebrities, who have gained fame and wealth through a process of talent and luck that has pulled them out of either the middle or lower class. This fame is misleading as hard work never has any guarantee of paying off, as any American working 3 jobs to make ends meet can tell you.

Current society goes on encouraging the interest in and thereby the fame of useless socialites, many of whom like the super-rich owe their success to nepotism, starring and grabbing at people living out our dreams of power and wealth and hoping that someday everyone will get their 15 minutes and we'll all be able to be our own Susan Boyle.

So for the love of America(!), don't tax the rich(!!)...because someday won't we all be rich and have all of our wildest dreams come true? For gods sake we even have a show called "American Idol", one of our highest rated television shows, that is based on the premise of offering anyone with the slightest bit of talent a chance at being rich and famous.

Is Rich and fame success? Aren't we also told by our wise elders that the best things in life are free? Well, give them to the birds and bees because the Beatles want money. Isn't that what we all want?

It is my belief that the working class would all kill themselves if they measured their success on monetary wealth alone. Were we not also told that money doesn't buy happiness and mo' money mo' problems?

So if the working class isn't happy without money and the ruling class isn't happy with money- then why are they happy? Eventually, even with an established career at any economic level, individuals of all classes measure their success and pride by their established families. It is through love and the raising of children that we reaffirm success and prosperity in an individual no matter what tax bracket they fall into.

Even this, at the smallest measurable scale, shows that wealth cannot be put in front of the lives of others. As it has been reinforced through characters like Ebenezer Scrooge, Bill Murray in Scrooged and Scrooge McDuck, even the wealthiest of individuals are surrounded by others for whom they would give all their money away to protect and care for.

Remember the Beatles reference I just made to wanting money, well, once they had it, didn't they sing "All you need is love"?

It is for these reasons that on any scale from the visions of Ayn Rand or Ronald Reagan the policies based solely on individualist determination cannot and do not offer the best system by which to nurture society as a whole.

Some may argue that it is in no way are the wealthy needed to be forced to nurture society, but since many have lived through the experience of the working class, we are lucky that some, although very few, do. Its not about wealth, its about caring for one another in an economy that is reliant upon every individual no matter what "class" they represent in a poll or on an excel spreadsheet.


Monday, October 19, 2009

Get a Job, You Dirty Teabagger!

Are the Teabaggers the New Hippies?
The Guy Who Wrote This Thinks So.
By Joel Straley

Winston Churchill is often misattributed to the quote "If you're not a liberal when you're 20, you have no heart. If you're not a conservative when you're 40, you have no head." I believe these words from Sir Churchill, a leading figure of Tom Brokaw’s Greatest Generation (get a room you two), quite ironically sum up the generation that was to succeed him in history (the baby-boomers; or the not-quite-as-Great-as-the-Greatest-Generation Generation), had he actually been the one to have said it of course.

One of the main questions during George W. Bush’s presidency was ‘Where did all those protesting hippies go?’ this and, of course, ‘who the fuck keeps voting for Sanjaya on American Idol?’ It seemed like the elephant in the room was that if the baby-boomers who had come of age protesting unjust war, increasing ecological concern and positioning itself against an openly-corrupt government were honestly enraged shouldn’t they be back and armed in the streets over the controversies that surrounded the Bush Administration? Hell, all those hippies would have had kids by now and when you mix that in with all the anguish that comes from the fact that in hindsight the protest movement of the 60’s failed at many of its main objectives then shouldn’t they have returned bigger than ever?

The 60’s movement ushered in an age of political concern for America that ultimately broke new ground in regards to political activism, equality and civil rights. However The Bush administration, carrying on a precedent started by Ronald Regan, was a shining example of how the larger goals of undermining corrupt capitalism and creating a check on the connection between military and industry failed…and failed hard.

In our current political climate people are now as equally stunned by how modern protests suddenly got to be so passionate. The liberals under President Bush gathered with their “America=Fascism” banners and waited for someone to yell “you lie!” at the president but conservatives have answered the call and have taken on the role for themselves. The liberal hippies that characterized the spirit of the baby-boomer generation have gone through the tunnel of being Reagan-Democrats to come out the other side as a mass of neo-conservatives given life by its equivalent modern extremist; the Teabaggers and Birthers.

The idealistic hippies of the 60’s fought for change to bring about a society so open-minded it could accept everything and everyone (free love, sex and drugs…mmmmm free drugs), but now the Teabaggers of the Present fight against change to provide only for themselves and their own vision of the world (no Mexicans, gays or communists…mmmm communists).

From the path of young Communists to aging Objectivists, this group has essentially become a mix of the worst parts of their parents’ generation and the generation they were in their youth. They kept the passion of the 60’s and combined it with the irrational fear of change from the 50’s.

Many factors between the Hippies and the Teabaggers prove that the more things change, the more they stay the same. The Teabaggers undoubtedly sound just as ignorant in political discourse on their soapbox as the hippies did. Both movements are the products of a small group of leading individuals whose ideas are absorbed at face value by an army of passionate political activists.

The rhetoric and buzzwords of these leading individuals are adopted and distorted by the movement. Just as the Chicago 7 didn’t tell protesters to riot, they just came to antagonize the police; Glenn Beck didn’t say to call congressmen Nazi’s at Town Hall events, he just said President Obama is a racist fascist whose health-care plan is forced eugenics.

Even though the messages are almost completely reversed today, one can’t help but notice the names and faces of Karl Marx, Che Guevara, Joseph Stalin, Mao Zedong and Vladimir Lenin are used with prevalence within each movement; then as an alternative, today as fear.

As the hippies fell back on their pseudo-intellectualism they could only tell you “well, just listen to Dylan, man, he’s got it all figured out”, the Teabaggers rely on their pseudo-intellectualism by telling you “Glenn Beck and Fox News is the true voice of real America”. I say we give all these assholes a joint and a beer already and get them out of the political discourse.

Both groups cling hard to writings that they read without any regards to their historical context, books ranging from Mao Zedong and Jean-Paul Sartre for the old-Left and Glenn Beck’s “Common Sense” and the Constitution for the new-Right. In regards to their knowledge of actual political theory both groups lead the pack in being able to scream a quote from the Communist Manifesto without being able to sum up a word of the pamphlets actual content.

When supporting the philosophical and moral aspects of their political action both groups occasionally forego their reason and rationality and replace it with their version of religion. As the Hippies utilized Buddhism and ancient Eastern culture to support their cause, the Teabaggers distort Christianity.

When their arguments fail, as they often do when you’re shouting it at someone, what can be relied on is shock-value. Just as the hippies would openly offend to use shock as a way to grab a listeners attention this trait is used notoriously by the Teabaggers. Like Abbie Hoffman in Forrest Gump (“and boy, did he love to say the ‘F’ word”) to Glenn Beck on Fox and Friends (“this President hates White people”), both the hippies and the Teabaggers know exactly what words will grab the media’s attention and commence to use them as soon as they feel their passion isn’t being noticed.

The Teabaggers have openly and without shame referred to President Obama by the names of almost every single one of their greatest fears; Nazi, Fascist, Marxist, Communist, Terrorist, Socialist, Elitist, Foreigner, and in fact, the only name they haven’t called him on a public forum is most likely the only one they’re dying to- the word no Viet Cong ever called Muhammad Ali.

The image of a future of passionate, screaming protesters demanding reform in government is what danced in Thomas Jefferson’s head like sugar-plums as he carefully penned the Declaration of Independence. As a believer in revolution and change myself, I have nothing but admiration and reverence for the passion that is expressed in both movements. There is a time for passion and a time for an educated debate. Much like almost every other aspect of social life, the area of political discourse must be centered on an even balance of passion and rationality.

With the passion of the current Teabagger movement so misguided, misinformed and against the interest of its own members it embodies the full paradoxical spirit of modern American capitalism. The interest of capitalism has long fought to maintain a stronghold over the voice of American majority and never before has it been able to guide the majority so easily. This is evident through the workings of FreedomWorks to orchestrate the protests of the Town Hall events in a way that draws attention to the 20 percent of Americans that oppose the Public option rather than to the 80 percent in favor.

I hope that the lessons of history that lie within the legacy of the protests of the 60’s will allow us to foresee the oncoming results of the Teabagger movement. If the Teabaggers are an inverse of the Hippies we can all have comfort in knowing that the hippies failed to stop much of what they were fighting against. So as the Hippies couldn’t stop corruption, greed and capitalism, the Teabaggers won’t be able to stop healthcare reform, corporate regulations and a return to intelligent discourse.

The author is esteemed that he wrote this without once laughing at the fact that these jack-offs are legitimately referred to as “tea-baggers”.