Sunday, December 21, 2008

A Modest Proposal to Sarah Silverman

My friend had a dream where I was engaged to Sarah Silverman for some reason. So I sent her a myspace message: Oh but I sent it from the GoWolf page so I had to send it again. Good work, dumbass. (that was to me, not you)

"Sorry I sent this message from my bands site (did you check us out? Pretty rockin, right? That one song "DFW" we wrote in 1 night..can you tell?)

Miss Silverman,
Now I'm sure this is the type of thing you get all the time but please hear me out. My friend recently had a dream where we were engaged. I know we've never met, which is probably why you don't recognize me, but I gave it some thought and figured you seem like a pretty cool a real dude's chick, not a chick-chick. I'd like to see if we hit things off and then you can meet my parents, just try not to say any abortion jokes OMG!!! total JK! They love abortion jokes.

So a little about me- I'm 24, but am very mature for my age and am an aspiring writer (how was this message? Any grammar or syntax advice?) and actor. I've wanted to be an actor ever since I saw Dustin Hoffman in "Hook" and thought to myself "Hey, I can do that". And I would also like to be rich and/or famous but will settle for dating a celebrity (That's you).

I remember when I saw your cleavage on the cover of "Heeb magazine" and I knew from that moment that you were more than just another pretty face. I believe there are rumors circulating that you are now back dating Jimmy Kimmel again and let me tell you on behalf of America, Sarah, come on....come on, Sarah...Sarah. Sure I'll be the first to admit I may not be as successful as Jimmy Kimmel, I mean we all couldn't have hosted The Man Show and 'discovered' Carson Daly. But for the record, I've never been a douchey late-night talk show host, so when you're with me, baby, don't expect to have to fain interest in conversation and fake laughter while I do lame topical jokes and drag out monologues, oh, but did you hear when Monica Lewinsky was eating hot dogs and she...oh yeah, right, nevermind.

So also my penis is pretty cute if that helps seal the deal. Anyway hope to hear back soon and I want you to know I'm very serious about this. So don't be afraid that I'm just another loser who's gonna use you and never call you back.
Hope to hear back soon.

P.S. I met Dave Chappelle once and he told me he's known you for a long time so, ya know, we already have similar acquaintances, so it just kinda seems right.

P.S.S I'd be happy with just one date, preferably here in New York the next time you're in town. I'll wear a funny cat shirt and we'll see if the chemistry is right...which if my friends dream is any indication it will be ;) LOLZ OMG!!!"

Saturday, December 20, 2008

Antarctic Oil: What We Don't Know Could Save Us!

Oh, Mother Earth! How sweet you have been as we humans have raped you again and again for your precious natural resources. We started off pretty harmless: salt, sugar, spice, everything nice. But then we got a taste of some of the hard stuff: Gold. Ok, we admit we got a little loopy for it for awhile. But we chilled out and we're better now, I mean hell, our currency isn't even based on it anymore. Come to think of it what is our currency based on then? (EDITORS NOTE:That's a discussion for another day.)

But now you got us hooked good on your precious, precious, life-affirming, beautuful black oil. HAND IT OVER YOU SELFISH BITCH!!!! I'm sorry but you know I just I needs a taste, baby, that's all. So its obvious we've become addicted to oil and those fuckers in the Middle East have.....well, lets just leave it at Those fuckers in the Middle East.

We needs it baby, but we're running out and we're starting to feel the effects of it. We need an answer and we need it now.

Hmm, I wonder what are those penguins and scientists doing down their in Antarctica? Fuck mining the moon, I bet Antarctica is the real oil promise-land!

So you may now be asking yourself - Yeah, why aren't all the oil companies busting balls to start drilling for oil in Antarctica. Well, that is because exploration for Antarctic oil is prohibited until 2048. Thanks a lot Protocol on Environmental Protection pussies! But, no worries because you can bet your ass that by 2040 Oil rigs will start being built there to be ready...just in case. Oil Execs: "Oh, well, we're just building reserves we won't actually start drilling until 2048...Jan.1, 2048, promise."

So Let's say they start drilling and it turns out that they south pole is packed to the brim with fresh oil. Now, we'll have plenty of oil again..and enough to ease the oil crisis for at least a little while. So, ya know, that's a plus.

But what if this oil reserve is so huge that we actually discover that oil extraction from the earth is actually necessary. So necessary in fact that if oil is not removed from Earth it causes a carbon buildup and increases the temperature of earth as a whole.

And thus, oil dependence becomes not the cause of global warming but rather the solution.

If this one simple scenario were to become true it would be an incredible turn around for the survival of mankind. But alas we both know this will probably not be the case.

Its fun to dream.