Sunday, December 27, 2009

The BEST Seconds in Music of the 00's

10. Wolf Eyes “Stabbed In The Face” Burned Mind (2004)
The Part Where It Goes Silent and Then Comes Back (1:58).
If you made it this far into the song you’re either thinking this is the greatest song ever or you’re dying (literally) for it to be over…or you’re indifferent to it..or you think it’s just sort of OK, I mean how the fuck do I know what you think about it, I’m not a scientist. Merzbow once said that Noise "is the pornography of music", if that’s true then this part is when the dude pulls out, flips the chick over and then the TV goes back to being blurry and scrambled and you’re like “holy shit, I almost got to see some anal”. This part is sweet because if you don’t like it you’ll let out an exhale of relief before you get smacked in the cunt with more noise. I used to listen to Wolf Eyes very loudly as I rode the subway and pushed my way through large crowds around the city, I’m not sure what that says about me but I'm sure its something.

09.Neon Indian “Deadbeat Summer” Psychic Chasms (2009)
That Opening Part (0:01).
Here’s the first of many James Murphy quotes (second thought, I feel fine with just this one) “Nostalgia for the unremembered 80’s”. Wait? Unremembered 80’s? The 00’s brought back bright colors, legwarmers and a series called “I love the 80’s”, "I Love the 80’s Strikes Back”, and for christs sake “I Love the 80’s: 3-D”. Ooooh, he’s being ironic. I got it, kids today love the 80s. At the end of the 00’s America (the west, wherever Suburban rich kids reign supreme, etc.) finally got what had been waiting to emerge in our era of laptops, GarageBand and post-modern nostalgia: A genre that is officially nameless (Dream-pop, Hypnagogic Pop, etc.); basically a bunch of kids alone in their bedrooms making albums that are a mix of old synth sounds, public access shows on VHS, and flea-market 8tracks (For more information see: Washed Out,Ducktails,TeenGirl Fantasy,Nite Jewel, etc.). The opening is a sample of Todd Rundgren’s “Izzat Love”. It comes off like the Neon Indian dude acting like you used to when you’d pretend to be a DJ as you were stuck alone in your parent’s car and would just turn the Bass and Treble knobs back and forth.

08.Jay-Z “99 Problems” The Black Album (2003)
Right After He Says “You’re Crazy for This One, Rick” (3:45).
Remember when Jay-Z was gonna retire? Yeah, that was a good month. Oh right, I forgot about that other time, yeah that was good month too. 17 Years after the Beastie Boy’s Licensed to Ill Rick Rubin does what he does best (produces?) and makes rap that samples rock that doesn’t suck. Right before the song ends with final thumping of distorted guitar and live drums Jay-Z reminds you to Holla back because “Its ya boy”.

07. Justice “Stress” (2007)
The Oh-No!-These Guys Are Here to Kick Some Ass Part (0:52).
No band has pulled off the influence of Michael Jackson as well as Justice (Sorry, Justin Timberlake). When my Dad first saw the video for this he told me he was “horrified”, so I reminded him that it was fake and that scaring old people was the whole point. If Michael Jackson is as much of a genius as I’ve been told repeatedly since July that he is, he will return as a zombie dancing in the street to this.

06. DragonForce “Through the Fire and Flames” Inhuman Rampage (2006)
The PacMan Part Before That Epic Solo (4:58).
Irony is a thin line. When is something bad-bad, good-bad or just simply a guilty pleasure because you’re too embarrassed to say something is actually good. We all know this was the next track on the Numa Numa guy’s playlist. It’s the perfect song for the era of Guitar Hero, World of Warcraft, Lord of the Rings and the idea that being a “nerd” was cool (Fuck you, Michael Cera). The solo sounds like Dan Deacon on Coke trying to cover Metallica’s “One”. NEXT!

05. Outkast “Ms. Jackson” Stankonia (2000)
The “Foreva? Foreva eva” Part (2:07).
Before mainstream rap got so crazy that Three 6 Mafia won a freakin’ Oscar (Forgot about that huh?) these 2 dudes were Kanye West if he was as cool as he is a douchebag. Every Soccer-Mom in the country used to sing this part with her teenage kids as they were on their way to buy more “Never Forget 9/11” American Flags from Wal-Mart. Outkast owned the first few years of the aughts but then they released a movie/soundtrack and people have been waiting for a comeback every since.

04.Panda Bear “Bros” Person Pitch (2007)
When Some Chick/Bro Is Crying (8:58).
The song sounds like happy incarnate and to nail home its celebratory spirit the last 2/8s of the song features the sound of exploding fireworks (right about the same time the listeners is exploding [read: ejaculating] in their tight red American Apparel boy-shorts). The music slows a bit and we hear crying- that deep gasping-for-air type of crying. Is it happy? Is it sad? Did Noah Lennox witness a rape and just sit back and pull out his sampler? Does it matter? No, because it sounds sweet.

03.RadIOheAd “Everything in its right place” Kid A (2000)
The Computer Glitch Vocal Part (0:15).
OMFG! U Guiz! They sold their guitars and bought keyboards! Did you see Thom Yorke dancing and exposing his chubby-Dad-gut on SNL? No? Check it on the B-low. –But seriously this is one of the best vocal pieces of the 00’s (ever? MAYBE!!) and how does it start? It sneaks in with vocals that can’t even be sung! I used to sing in my head to this part (because lyrics are stupid and no one really pays attention to them anyway) and thought he was saying “Ginny…Lebanon...Ssskinny..Lebanon”. He’s probably just saying nonsense (or as Thom would call it “an existential recursive scream from a computer to the spectacle of post-modernity …or a car accident”) as Jonny Greenwood jerks off a Chaos pad.

02.Lightning Bolt “Assassins” Wonderful Rainbow (2003)
That Feedback Squeal At The Beginning (0:00).
Let me start with a non-ironic OMFG! U Guiz! These dudes sold their Art degrees and bought more amps! I used to rant a lot about how this feedback squeal that starts “Assassins” is the perfect complement to the album’s opener “Hello Morning”. “Hello Morning” is Lightning Bolt at their most calm. If you’re listening to Wonderful Rainbow as a whole you hear a soft spring-breeze of guitar feedback and delicate string pulling and then BAM! A loud feedback squeal as the sound kicks you in your balls. This squeal represents the time it takes for the pain in your balls to reach your brain and then when you scream the song officially starts and barrels over your crying bitch-ass like a fuckin’ freight train.

01.Fever Ray “If I Had a Heart“ Fever Ray (2009)
That Fucking Opening (0:00).
This is the sound of the death of the four piece band playing original instruments, this is the sound of a decade that killed music (Guitar Hero), the sound of the end of peace (The War on Terror), the sound of an era that couldn’t claim an end to prejudice (Hurricane Katrina/Prop 8), this is the sound of a global financial collapse, the sound of corporatized Democracy that is no longer afraid to be seen, this is the sound of the entire wealth of human knowledge in a 3-inch piece of plastic (Iphonez and Crackberries), this is the sound of a planet burning off its most prolific virus (Global Warming), this is the wish for an apocalypse in 2012 (but the closest we get is another shitty CGI-action flick).

Honorable Mention:
Yeah Yeah Yeah’s “Maps” Fever To Tell (2003)
+ Kelly Clarkson “Since U Been Gone” Breakaway (2004)
+ Ted Leo “Since U Been Gone/Maps” (2004)
The Start of the Bridge, Dude (1:57),(2:10),(1:48)
Brooklyn owned indie rock at the close of the 00’s (Dirty Projectors, Grizzly Bear, Animal Collective) and Manhattan owned indie rock at the start of the 00’s (The Strokes, YeahYeahYeahs, TVontheRadio, LCD Soundsystem). If any song helped a bar band go from the Lower East Side to the a record label bidding war in Los Angeles more than “Maps” did for the YeahYeahYeahs I haven’t heard it. Aside from not being boring (I’m looking at you Strokes and TVontheRadio) the song was sweet, catchy and she freakin’ cries in the video (Sure, it’s probably about Angus from Liars but that makes it sweeter [as in cool, not as in heartfelt]). Kelly Clarkson ripped off the bridge in her song “Since U Been Gone” and then Ted Leo recorded an acoustic mash-up just to prove it.

Saturday, November 28, 2009

What Ayn Rand and Reagonomics Mean to The Poor

Money. It's What I Want?
By Joel Straley

The tea-baggers have spoken! Tax cuts for the rich! And its about fuckin' time!
But why, screaming lower middle-class laborers, should we cut the taxes on our nation's wealthiest, most prosperous and, by default, hardest working Americans?

The answer was brought to us by a Hollywood actor turned pandering politician, so as you can guess the shining example of what it takes to become a Republican Leader. His name was Ronald Reagan. Always one for modesty, Reagan used his economic wisdom to create Reaganomics (a phrase coined by Radio Personality Paul Harvey, you believe that?) based around the trickle down system. Which is very similar to tea-bagging but in sort of a reverse manner--so think of it as Washington helping the rich to Teabag you.

While America is hardly an example of pure capitalism with its constant bail-outs and use of socialist and even communistic rulings to secure the wealth of its ruling class, I have decided to use it as such since it is the strongest example out of the worlds leading superpower(s) (This is assuming someone out there still considers America to in fact be a Superpower).

To represent the perfect example of how prosperous an individual can be in a capitalist system (also referred to as 'achieving the American Dream') a citizen must be born and/or raised in impoverished conditions and then rises to a higher level of economic status through determination, hard-work and/or a combination of ingenuity and luck.

While nepotism, whether be within a family or an elite social circle, is common place in capitalism and the rewards of which exists in all aspects of American culture, it is for good reason not normally viewed as being a positive attribute to the American capitalist system. Surprisingly, contrary to the way American capitalism is currently run, nepotism is the greatest negative attribute in capitalism when viewed threw the spectrum of Reaganomics or Ayn Rand's objectionism.

In a purely capitalistic society nepotism cannot be avoided as the rich will generally maintain a stronghold of much of their wealth until their death thus securing the prominence of their family name within elevated social circles for generations.

This has lead to many complications on how capitalism should be controlled. One of the strongest examples of this is the "Estate tax", which in the 1990s was occasionally referred to as the "Death tax". This was changed once republicans realized many Americans supported an Estate tax since most Americans didn't own an Estate. But since most Americans don't want to be taxed for dying they were against the Death tax..even though it is completely synonymous with the Estate Tax.

Today there are some concerns, most of which are extremely overblown and almost all of which are absurdly unfounded, that the government is attempting to conduct a "redistribution of wealth". Most of these concerns are from far-right conservative 'commentators' and their loyal band of unquestioning minion voters who are still upset that their policies of fucking everything in America up over the past 6 - 8 years (depending if Congress or the President gets most of the credit) cost them an election one year ago.

Ayn Rand suggest that we should praise and encourage the greed and selfishness that creates the determination within the individual to work hard and obtain wealth. Since wealth is not necessarily a pie of which everyone fights for the largest piece but is closer to being a pile where everyone is able to receive the amount of which they earn, hard work and determination will be greatly rewarded. (This is contrary to the idea that wealth is a pie and inflation relates to the accommodation of the individuals and the work they can obtain).

The ideals of capitalism and Ayn Rand's objectionism mainly appeal to the ever-growing constantly-consuming American middle class that is made up of 90% of Americas population (this figure would probably be accurate if a poll asked the question "Which class are you in?" and excluded stupid answers like "Trig. 101").

Reaganomics, which apparently makes a better 80's shit-rock band name than it does an economic stance, is based on one basic and simple flaw: That the rich will waste away their money. The basis of Reaganomics, or 'the trickled-down theory' or 'just because its warm doesn't mean its piss' is that the rich are just like you ... the poor, when the fact is they're not. That is why they're rich. Rich people know the value of saving money and spending money on assets rather than liabilities.

Reaganomics suggested that tax cuts for the wealthy would benefit everyone since the rich loved to buy expensive things (Yachts, mansions, golden unusable ipods) and thus it would benefit everyone as the poor would then work in factories making lots of money manufacturing all the crazy things the rich would now be more readily able to purchase.
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Essentially Reaganomics fools the poor into thinking that the rich view money the same way that they do. The fact is they don't. When the poor receive money, they spend it. This is generally a necessity as the poor are purchasing essentials like food and shelter and are relying on paycheck to paycheck. The hard-working determined Americans pulling themselves up by their boot-straps have saved money and work to save more so that it will accumulate into wealth. Since the poor wish to be wealthy, or at least appear so, they often forgo saving money to purchase contemporary luxuries that will have the appearance of wealth (iphones,flat-screen TV's,homes they can't afford).

This does not suggest that the rich do not buy ridiculous and needless bullshit,....they obviously do, but many earn too much money for their spending habits to have any affect since much of the rich have such profitable assets that it is hard to spend the profits fast enough (Bill Gates, Michael Jordan, Warren Buffett). The rich however are not spending money at the same rate or at the same proportion as much of the poor.

Tax cuts for the wealthy and perpetuating a society that praises the rich jeopardizes the very economic system that its supposed to be supporting. It is jeopardized because it creates generations who feel their wealth is deserved and thus lose the meaning behind the virtues of capitalism and self preservation.

It creates a generation of wealthy individuals who are addicted to power and success rather than a society of the determined and grateful. Since using others for financial gain is an ability one must master to be a member of the wealthy global elite many excuses must be made to hold onto this position. This ranges from Goldman Sachs using bail-out money to hand out bonuses to the CEO of Goldman Sachs referring to himself as "blue collar" and arguing that Christ wants him to be wealthy.

While such greed and power-lust reigns among the super-rich some of the moderately wealthy are active in lessening the divide between the upper and lower classes.

Ayn Rand is wrong in suggesting that the poor will praise the rich and will work hard to become one of them, but rather the lucky few that do become rich will in fact work hard to help the poor because they realize how fickle and reliant on others their own wealth is.

It is not that the poor will be envious of the rich and will therefore work with more determination and initiative, but it is rather that the some of the rich will fight harder for the poor knowing how reliant on others their own success had been.

This could explain why Hollywood tends to be so liberal while middle America tends to be so conservative. Conservative America has worked hard for its modest economic living and doesn't see it as fair to give up any of it to others, while many of the wealthy in the entertainment industry have obtained such an expansive amount of wealth they are forced to see the unfair division of it.

The one major difference between the economic philosophy of Ayn Rand and Ronald Reagan lies in the effects they're trying to achieve. Ayn Rand argues that the wealthy and prosperous ruling class will be an inspiration to the lower class and thus force them to strive to be more successful themselves. It is actually debatable whether the masses enjoy watching wealthy celebrities be prolific and succeed or crash and burn into a life of destruction.

Reaganomics suggest that with tax cuts for the rich, the rich ruling class will spend their money on things that the working class will have to manufacture; thus benefiting the working class and increasing their wealth.

Again, Reaganomics is based on the myth that the rich are "just like you", when in fact they are not. The rich have learned to create wealth by saving money and always spending less than they are taking in. This is why many celebrities who like to flash their money around usually end up filing for bankruptcy when the new lifestyle for which they have become accustomed cannot be maintained.

Ayn Rand's philosophy does have elements of truth to some degree as our capitalist culture does have a sick obsession with the rich. More specifically celebrities, who have gained fame and wealth through a process of talent and luck that has pulled them out of either the middle or lower class. This fame is misleading as hard work never has any guarantee of paying off, as any American working 3 jobs to make ends meet can tell you.

Current society goes on encouraging the interest in and thereby the fame of useless socialites, many of whom like the super-rich owe their success to nepotism, starring and grabbing at people living out our dreams of power and wealth and hoping that someday everyone will get their 15 minutes and we'll all be able to be our own Susan Boyle.

So for the love of America(!), don't tax the rich(!!)...because someday won't we all be rich and have all of our wildest dreams come true? For gods sake we even have a show called "American Idol", one of our highest rated television shows, that is based on the premise of offering anyone with the slightest bit of talent a chance at being rich and famous.

Is Rich and fame success? Aren't we also told by our wise elders that the best things in life are free? Well, give them to the birds and bees because the Beatles want money. Isn't that what we all want?

It is my belief that the working class would all kill themselves if they measured their success on monetary wealth alone. Were we not also told that money doesn't buy happiness and mo' money mo' problems?

So if the working class isn't happy without money and the ruling class isn't happy with money- then why are they happy? Eventually, even with an established career at any economic level, individuals of all classes measure their success and pride by their established families. It is through love and the raising of children that we reaffirm success and prosperity in an individual no matter what tax bracket they fall into.

Even this, at the smallest measurable scale, shows that wealth cannot be put in front of the lives of others. As it has been reinforced through characters like Ebenezer Scrooge, Bill Murray in Scrooged and Scrooge McDuck, even the wealthiest of individuals are surrounded by others for whom they would give all their money away to protect and care for.

Remember the Beatles reference I just made to wanting money, well, once they had it, didn't they sing "All you need is love"?

It is for these reasons that on any scale from the visions of Ayn Rand or Ronald Reagan the policies based solely on individualist determination cannot and do not offer the best system by which to nurture society as a whole.

Some may argue that it is in no way are the wealthy needed to be forced to nurture society, but since many have lived through the experience of the working class, we are lucky that some, although very few, do. Its not about wealth, its about caring for one another in an economy that is reliant upon every individual no matter what "class" they represent in a poll or on an excel spreadsheet.


Monday, October 19, 2009

Get a Job, You Dirty Teabagger!

Are the Teabaggers the New Hippies?
The Guy Who Wrote This Thinks So.
By Joel Straley

Winston Churchill is often misattributed to the quote "If you're not a liberal when you're 20, you have no heart. If you're not a conservative when you're 40, you have no head." I believe these words from Sir Churchill, a leading figure of Tom Brokaw’s Greatest Generation (get a room you two), quite ironically sum up the generation that was to succeed him in history (the baby-boomers; or the not-quite-as-Great-as-the-Greatest-Generation Generation), had he actually been the one to have said it of course.

One of the main questions during George W. Bush’s presidency was ‘Where did all those protesting hippies go?’ this and, of course, ‘who the fuck keeps voting for Sanjaya on American Idol?’ It seemed like the elephant in the room was that if the baby-boomers who had come of age protesting unjust war, increasing ecological concern and positioning itself against an openly-corrupt government were honestly enraged shouldn’t they be back and armed in the streets over the controversies that surrounded the Bush Administration? Hell, all those hippies would have had kids by now and when you mix that in with all the anguish that comes from the fact that in hindsight the protest movement of the 60’s failed at many of its main objectives then shouldn’t they have returned bigger than ever?

The 60’s movement ushered in an age of political concern for America that ultimately broke new ground in regards to political activism, equality and civil rights. However The Bush administration, carrying on a precedent started by Ronald Regan, was a shining example of how the larger goals of undermining corrupt capitalism and creating a check on the connection between military and industry failed…and failed hard.

In our current political climate people are now as equally stunned by how modern protests suddenly got to be so passionate. The liberals under President Bush gathered with their “America=Fascism” banners and waited for someone to yell “you lie!” at the president but conservatives have answered the call and have taken on the role for themselves. The liberal hippies that characterized the spirit of the baby-boomer generation have gone through the tunnel of being Reagan-Democrats to come out the other side as a mass of neo-conservatives given life by its equivalent modern extremist; the Teabaggers and Birthers.

The idealistic hippies of the 60’s fought for change to bring about a society so open-minded it could accept everything and everyone (free love, sex and drugs…mmmmm free drugs), but now the Teabaggers of the Present fight against change to provide only for themselves and their own vision of the world (no Mexicans, gays or communists…mmmm communists).

From the path of young Communists to aging Objectivists, this group has essentially become a mix of the worst parts of their parents’ generation and the generation they were in their youth. They kept the passion of the 60’s and combined it with the irrational fear of change from the 50’s.

Many factors between the Hippies and the Teabaggers prove that the more things change, the more they stay the same. The Teabaggers undoubtedly sound just as ignorant in political discourse on their soapbox as the hippies did. Both movements are the products of a small group of leading individuals whose ideas are absorbed at face value by an army of passionate political activists.

The rhetoric and buzzwords of these leading individuals are adopted and distorted by the movement. Just as the Chicago 7 didn’t tell protesters to riot, they just came to antagonize the police; Glenn Beck didn’t say to call congressmen Nazi’s at Town Hall events, he just said President Obama is a racist fascist whose health-care plan is forced eugenics.

Even though the messages are almost completely reversed today, one can’t help but notice the names and faces of Karl Marx, Che Guevara, Joseph Stalin, Mao Zedong and Vladimir Lenin are used with prevalence within each movement; then as an alternative, today as fear.

As the hippies fell back on their pseudo-intellectualism they could only tell you “well, just listen to Dylan, man, he’s got it all figured out”, the Teabaggers rely on their pseudo-intellectualism by telling you “Glenn Beck and Fox News is the true voice of real America”. I say we give all these assholes a joint and a beer already and get them out of the political discourse.

Both groups cling hard to writings that they read without any regards to their historical context, books ranging from Mao Zedong and Jean-Paul Sartre for the old-Left and Glenn Beck’s “Common Sense” and the Constitution for the new-Right. In regards to their knowledge of actual political theory both groups lead the pack in being able to scream a quote from the Communist Manifesto without being able to sum up a word of the pamphlets actual content.

When supporting the philosophical and moral aspects of their political action both groups occasionally forego their reason and rationality and replace it with their version of religion. As the Hippies utilized Buddhism and ancient Eastern culture to support their cause, the Teabaggers distort Christianity.

When their arguments fail, as they often do when you’re shouting it at someone, what can be relied on is shock-value. Just as the hippies would openly offend to use shock as a way to grab a listeners attention this trait is used notoriously by the Teabaggers. Like Abbie Hoffman in Forrest Gump (“and boy, did he love to say the ‘F’ word”) to Glenn Beck on Fox and Friends (“this President hates White people”), both the hippies and the Teabaggers know exactly what words will grab the media’s attention and commence to use them as soon as they feel their passion isn’t being noticed.

The Teabaggers have openly and without shame referred to President Obama by the names of almost every single one of their greatest fears; Nazi, Fascist, Marxist, Communist, Terrorist, Socialist, Elitist, Foreigner, and in fact, the only name they haven’t called him on a public forum is most likely the only one they’re dying to- the word no Viet Cong ever called Muhammad Ali.

The image of a future of passionate, screaming protesters demanding reform in government is what danced in Thomas Jefferson’s head like sugar-plums as he carefully penned the Declaration of Independence. As a believer in revolution and change myself, I have nothing but admiration and reverence for the passion that is expressed in both movements. There is a time for passion and a time for an educated debate. Much like almost every other aspect of social life, the area of political discourse must be centered on an even balance of passion and rationality.

With the passion of the current Teabagger movement so misguided, misinformed and against the interest of its own members it embodies the full paradoxical spirit of modern American capitalism. The interest of capitalism has long fought to maintain a stronghold over the voice of American majority and never before has it been able to guide the majority so easily. This is evident through the workings of FreedomWorks to orchestrate the protests of the Town Hall events in a way that draws attention to the 20 percent of Americans that oppose the Public option rather than to the 80 percent in favor.

I hope that the lessons of history that lie within the legacy of the protests of the 60’s will allow us to foresee the oncoming results of the Teabagger movement. If the Teabaggers are an inverse of the Hippies we can all have comfort in knowing that the hippies failed to stop much of what they were fighting against. So as the Hippies couldn’t stop corruption, greed and capitalism, the Teabaggers won’t be able to stop healthcare reform, corporate regulations and a return to intelligent discourse.

The author is esteemed that he wrote this without once laughing at the fact that these jack-offs are legitimately referred to as “tea-baggers”.

Monday, September 21, 2009

Here's my Option: Fuck the Public! Obamacare Explained by Ralph Wigglesworth

Some(1) have tried to ease concerns about President Obama's plan to reform health-care by stating that at this point there isn’t exactly a specific bill to be for or against. Well, as an avid reader of New York Post headlines and Sarah Palin’s Tweets I can assure you that Ralph Wigglesworth has already heard all he needs to know.

To be frank, what it is I'm hearing is that even after last week's hugely successful public Tea-bagging of Washington much of the public (this is the same selfish public that's for a public-option...what a coincidence!!) finds the arguments of the protesters to be illegitimate as well stupid, brain-washed and ultimately irrelevant. If using my God-given right to fight against my better interests is "stupid", "brain-washed" and "ultimately irrelevant" (as some moronically biased writers have stated) then I'm as American as an Eagle fucking an Apple Pie during a Baseball game.

The 9/12 protest was a gathering of real Americans...and was the voice of a substantial amount of the public (again, that’s the real public..not that stupid public-option wanting public). Some pictures showed the crowd having as many members 1997's gathering of the Promise-Keepers (2) and according to Glenn Beck "the University of I Can't Remember" (3) claimed that the protest had an attendance of up to 1.7 million people...that's almost 30 times the estimates from the mainstream media which shows clearly that they’ve been hijacked by a bunch of gays, jews, blacks, and illegal spi—Alright, Ralph, take it slow… lets just move on to the debate.

Well Libs (4) or Dems (5), allow me to clear up some issues at the center of the fight against Obama-care that you don't seem to understand. The voice of the tea-baggers is one that should be included in the health care debate (yes, yelling "You Lie!" during The President's address to Congress IS part of our contribution) if not just for the simple fact that we are currently the loudest, which in modern-American politics means we’re winning regardless of what the polls say.

First off, the "public-option" maybe an “option” but it’s an “option” that takes from my taxes. It’s MY taxes. Some lazy schmuck who’s too lazy to get a third job to cover his insurance premiums suddenly wants to get a free ride from the government and ol’ Ralph Wigglesworth is left picking up the tab and leaving the tip. These job-less, crack-smokin, probably AIDS-spreadin’ America-haters just got one of the benefits that comes from having a stable employer…HEALTH INSURANCE! The same kind of health care I EARNED by having a job and that I benefit from as long as I stay within the guidelines of my insurance company and continue to avoid pre-existing conditions (which I admit is becoming harder and harder) as well as meet the criteria of a qualifications board, etc.

So a bunch of spanish-flea-infested, hole-in-their-boot-straps, sickly poor people check “yes, can I have some more please?” when it comes to health-care and the Government springs into action but where’s Ralph’s chance to check “No, get a job you 45 Million uninsured hippies!”? Nowhere, that’s where! I didn’t hear diddly-shit from George W. Bush about a “Public Option” but now we got Obama trying to pour piles of MY cash back into the ghettos for all of his damn lazy, black brothers and sis—On to the next point.

Ok, let’s get to the issue of this plan being, oh, I dunno, NAZI-esque. For one thing, the rise in referring to Obama as "Hitler" is a backlash to the image of The One being seen as the Democratic Messiah. As all good Christian tea-baggers are aware, if Obama is your messiah- then count us as politically Jewish (in that we are still waiting for a Republican Abraham W. Reagan if you will). Also the democrats started it, so if you can’t take the heat then don’t start making references to the oven.

The Nazi claim stems from the universal fear of Eugenics; which to be fair is the culmination of science, health-care, socialism, and Hollywood-style good looks (all things I’ve been railing against for years). If the government starts to oversee Health Care they will have to maintain their budget by overseeing who is approved for what types of operations and treatments. As the Government starts to slowly control these Death-spitals (6) they have to start limiting the treatment given to Americans who aren’t as “prosperous” to our overall society. So pretty soon it’s “sorry Grandma, gotta pull the plug! Obama’s Death Panel said you’re Christmas cookies just weren’t good enough so better luck next life!!”. Now what do we have, folks? We got our typical white grandmothers being sent to the grave because some black man wants t—Alright, one last point.

Lastly, some (by “some” I mean Jimmy Carter, obviously) have said that this debate isn’t even necessarily about healthcare at all and that it’s just all racism. That’s ridiculous. As can be seen by photos from the Tea-Bagging there were numerous minorities (i.e. Black people) who are also against Socialized healthcare AND hate black people in power.

How long must US good ol’ American folk suffer at the hands of some foreign totalitarian oppressor. Never in history has there been a greater example of ..oh fuck it, I’ll just say it….Christian, White Americans being made to feel like a such a victim from liberals, Blacks and Muslims who wanna steal our rights! What did we ever do to deserve this? (7) America, it makes me sick!! Just not sick enough to actually vote for a Public-option.

1. Code-word for "I'm too lazy to do actual research right now", but I assure you “some” have said this.
2. Specifically the photo of the 1997's Gathering of the Promise-Keepers in Washington DC that was used to pass off as an actual photo from the Health-care protest on September 12, 2009.
3. And that was from a University, folks. I thought liberals looovvved Universities and trusted everything they said?
4. By "libs" I am referring to the 70% of Americans who are for a Public-Option regardless of their political party standings.
5. Same logic applies here.
6. Like a regular hospital expect haunted by the souls of good honest hard working traditional Americans. They will most likely be killed off early on as they own most of the guns.
7. I suppose I could look in a textbook to actually see if there are such examples of White Christians or even White Christian Americans causing immense suffering to other religious or ethnic groups but I feel I’m right and it would just be a complete waste of time….not to mention every time I see that damn monkey-man evolution chart I get so madddd….grrrr… I could just throw my own shit all over that chart!!!!

Ralph Wigglesworth was the Neo-Conservative host of "The Great Debate" from 2006 to 2008. He currently lives in a cabin with a HAM radio and his Golden Labridor named "Oliver North for President". He will soon be releasing "The Jeffersonian Bible 2: Judgment Day" a reverse version of The Jeffersonian Bible made up of only the passages of the New Testament that focus on Christ's miracles and divinity.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

A Late-Summer Nights Dream

The beginning is incredibly hazy.
My youngest brother and I are seated within the old home of our grandparents.
The house the family sold in 2005 after they had both passed that summer.
A couch lined the wall that faces the wide-open window opening up the front of their house.
Adjacent are two recliners.
I was seated in my grandfathers chair and my brother in the other.
Somewhere along the way a cop appeared inside the home in front of the couch.
I immediately stood up in horror and attempted to get him to exit.
He said he was only there to look for a cat.
I informed him that we didn't own a cat so his reason for entering was unjustified.

Outside of the front door on the bottom steps was an orange cat.
His sides were ripped open and bleeding; black and red.
The cats glassy eyes stared intensely with deep fear into an blank abyss.
The eyes of a horror that stems from a life on the brink between life and death.
The eyes that see nothing but the creeping fate of entering the depth of the unknown.

The cat was in such horror that it violently shook its legs.
As in the age of ignorance when a paramedic would grip a child in a seizure, this was a situation where you are accepting of the trauma of the other and know that you will be hurt in your attempt to help.
As such, I carried the bleeding cat into the house as it clawed and scratched me in an attempt to save itself by gripping on to what it knew was real as well as to cope with its suffering.

As the cat laid in the bathtub my brother and the cop used the showerhead to wash the blood down the drain.
The orange cat was now white.

I could feel the pain of the deep clawed scratches in my chest as I stared again into the fearful eyes of the cat.
My brother and the cop talked to each other about the first time they'd seen the face of Timothy McVeigh.

(When I was still half-asleep writing this seemed like a much better idea)

Friday, August 21, 2009

Hitler on Healthcare: An Open Letter to America by Adolf Hitler

America, you know nothing of my work!
By Adolf Hitler

This September it will have been 70 years since the start of World War 2 and I have to ask: is everyone done shitting on me yet? I understand that when I was in power me and the free-world didn't exactly see eye to eye on everything. However, I do not mean to make this editorial a defense of my beliefs and what I was working for(Viva Deutschland!).

America, I have witnessed my name and legacy screamed by your citizens all over the nightly-news programs as of late and I feel I should speak up to defend my name (and you know this must be serious considering you didn't hear a word from me back when you were busy hanging my buddy Eichmann in the 60s.) Honestly, I don't blame you for that one or the Nuremberg Trials.

If we'd had won the war we definitely would have made plans to rape your precious President Roosevelt and his entire cabinet in a packed stadium during a pay-per-view special while playing "Deutschland Uber Alles" from a trumpet jammed up his crippled asshole!!

I'm pissed at the use of my name and the misinformation of my deeds that has been appearing in the hyperbolic outrage coming from your Town Hall meetings on health care (Granted, I do wish I had thought of the phrase "HitlerCare"-under the Third Reich my people would have swallowed that program up whole if it had a catchy title like that).

So with the state of current events I can imagine what you're thinking; "Well, Mr. Hitler, what do you think of President Obama and his health reform plans?". First, thank you for not yelling and spitting at me. Now if I'm going to stand by my convictions, as I am known for doing, I think since he is a black man he should go hit the showers (Easy, Hitler, easy).

I am personally offended, America(yes, even the Fuhrer has feelings)that you would think your President could ever dream of being seen in the same light as a man such as myself. Sure, we both have charisma, I'll give you that. Oh Wow, you say Mr. Obama had an audience of 200,000 when he spoke at Berlin during his campaign? Well, sorry to burst the love-bubble you live in, Mr. O but you were 60 FUCKIN' YEARS TOO LATE!! I set the mold on that one. And I certainly didn't seen anyone giving you a personalized salute!!

The comparisons between Mr. Obama and myself are being raised daily in these Town Hall meetings across the United States. While I am flattered that it is finally my health care policies that are getting the attention but, I must stress that your President and I have little in common.

For one thing, I would never allow my political opponents and rival lobbyists to misguide and misinform members of the public and then have the media increase the focus on these members so they appear to represent the majority opinion of the country. I would have just had them arrested and shot.

Even Mr. Bush regularly arrested protesters and hindered dissent at his Town Hall gatherings, but as far as being a great dictator neither have gone far enough. You boys are way out of the league of this GerMAN (BAM! Hitler still brings the heat).

I guess the argument is that health care reform institutes more government regulations and therefore more government control. It is hard for a guy who was the leader of what you would call the National Socialists to not be a supporter of Big Government. A move towards Eugenics as television host Glenn Beck has suggested this reform is, I must admit I would be for.

Mr. Goebbels, the only man I ever loved (fuck off, Himmler), I assure you is rolling in his grave with envy over Mr. Beck's level of propaganda.

As far as providing adequate health care options for all of my nation's citizens, I'll be honest I didn't really much care for that. Hell, if you ask me keeping my citizens poor, filthy and disease-ridden rather ended up working in my favor. Like in the case of this Anne Frank I hear so much about, I imagine as she was dying from a Typhus epidemic she would have loved to have had a public option for government heath insurance. Its just too bad Jews weren't citizens no matter how adorable they were. But I digress, its like we used to say back in the day; All is well that ends well in Auschwitz.

Now even if Mr. Obama did realistically suggest having death panels, to believe for a second that the American government could ever dream of pulling off one as efficient as mine is completely laughable. Do you hear me? Laughable! I laugh right in your fucking face, America!!

What would you do with all these sickly bodies once you begin to terminate them? You'd have to build the camps first, install them with large enough incinerators, import all the fuel needed to heat the incinerators, hire government workers to run the incinerators, find trains to ship all these old people to the camps and ....let's just say it takes a lot of planning and work to start killing people the government feels aren't fit to live.

You can't just wake up one day with a wild hair up your ass and start killing off all the retarded babies, elderly and Stephen Hawkings wasting space and tax dollars in your country.

America, you are the real Inglorious Bastards! (look, all my speech-writers are dead, this is as clever as a 120 year-old ex-Dictator gets) If you could please stop using my name in such hyperbole all the time.

Bush is Hitler, Obama is Hitler, everyone is Hitler-we get it. Well, let me make it clear there is only one Hitler (me, HITLER!) and the more and more you drag out my name the less and less my legacy carries any real historical bearing...all too soon I shall be forgotten along with the reality of my regime. The vacancy of the remembrance of a man of such distinguished infamy only leaves room for the space to be filled again. So show some respect, because you wouldn't like me when I'm angry.

Too-da-loo from Argentina, and remember Mr. Obama, as we say in the Tyranny business: Fuck 'em, that's why!
-A. H.

P.S As I reminder that I was just a man and not an unrealistic hyperbolic symbol of tyranny to be misused by political rhetoric I have included a photo of myself at my cutest.

Adolf Hitler was the self-proclaimed Fuhrer and Chancellor of Nazi Germany from 1933 to 1945. He was Time's Man of the Year 1939 and regularly writes anonymous articles for The National Review.

P.P.S. This hasn't been the only shitting on I've been getting. Now I know Hollywood likes to use me as their go-to historical bad guy and dance on my grave but I'm still pissed that this weekend your theaters are going to be packed with Americans watching a revenge fantasy about brutally killing Nazi's. NEWSFLASH: You won the war. Why did it become back in fashion to shit all over Hitler so much? Don't you people have jobs!!

Personally, Tarantino's "Inglourious Basterds" seems to be a little extreme....and take it from someone who made a political career taking everything to the extreme (I used soap made of jews and had human-skin lampshades for Christs sake!). Without turning this into Hitler's Weekend Movie Wrap-up all I'll say is this is film is a Jewish fantasy gore-porn where my beloved Nazis are beaten and brutalized for 2 hours.

To be fair the jews have some good ideas lately. Well, one idea: the re-releasing of Mein Kampf . It was the feel-good book of the 30s (and considering the depression that's saying something). Seriously though, I'd recommend it even if I didn't write it. It is that fuckin' good.

I must admit I have not seen Mr. Tarantino's film as it is hard to get my name on the guest-list of film premiers these days but judging by the trailer it does seem to present an accurate portrayal of myself as I have been known to from time to time slam my fist on a desk yelling "Nein, Nein, Nein, Nein", but goddammit your try and take over the world by being surround by a bunch of incompetent brown-nosers (I called them Brown-shirts because of how far they had their heads jammed up my ass) who care nothing about Germany's bright future and are only concerned with not being the next one the room to catch a bullet behind the ear!!! I'll probably see it, but I won't like it!

Thursday, August 20, 2009


Fear always presents a good oopportunity to hurry up and cop a feel...

Friday, August 14, 2009

Thank you, Wikipedia

"Big Ass is currently one of the most popular bands in Thailand."

Tuesday, July 28, 2009

The Debate over Obama's Birth Certificate is Journalism's Death Certificate

BREAKING NEWS: Journalism is Dead!
Joel Straley

With the passing of Walter Cronkite, the most recent passing in the Summer of Death, a lot of attention (and by a lot I mean an amount so moderate it barely justifies me writing this article) has been paid to what it means to be a journalist. Not just a journalist, but a journalist of integrity. However, there is no integrity left in journalism.

The need to maintain profits grows as newspapers struggle to maintain relevance in a world dominated by the internet and fight their way through the overabundance of information that is contrasted with the public's shrinking attention span. This, among other factors, has all but completely drained journalism of any semblance of integrity. As was undoubtedly proven by the press's coverage of the Bush Administration, but perhaps was a result of other deeper cultural phenomena, almost all journalism today can now be considered as nothing more than yellow journalism.

Politics, as it is presented through the guise of our 24-hour news networks, is so empty today it has created the buzzword "Non-issue". How can an issue that is given the attention of the headlines of our national newspapers and news networks really be considered a "non-issue"? Once something is given attention on the national scope mustn't it then be justified to be a legitimate political issue?

It is indeed a sad state of affairs when an issue is discussed only within the terms of whether or not it even is an issue. Not completely different than Marx's theory of Commodity Fetishism we have basically stretched our capitalistic brainwashing (i.e. the dumbing down of our culture through our culture) to our politics to such a degree that even the things we discuss on a public forum have absolutely no substance.

It is news that isn't news, a discussion that lacks anything to discuss.

The current discussion (Discussion between who? Give me a break, it is not even possible to take this discussion serious for more than 2 minutes tops!) of Obama's birth certificate is considered to fall in the category of being a "non-issue" because there is no action to be taken once an outcome is reached.

If it is discovered that Obama was born in Kenya, a country he had never even visited until 1988, are we then expected to remove the President of the United States from office or are we to just shake our fists and mutter "oh, that damn Obama, he tricked us good"?!?!

By presenting this story at all the News has legitimized this conspiracy theory. A conspiracy theory supported by the same circles that proclaimed Obama to be a secret Muslim/Marxist/Terrorist during his presidential campaign. The irony is that his opponent Senator McCain was actually a lot closer to being born in another country, Panama; however it was on an American military base which is considered American soil and is completely unimportant, so moving on.

Just because one woman at a town hall meeting is applauded for saying something doesn't mean it is now an area of national attention and concern. This issue should have been given the same consideration the press gave Larry Sinclair, a man who claimed to smoke crack and be fellated (codeword for "dick sucked") by then Senator Obama in Chicago, which was almost none (for a good time click the link to his press conferences on Youtube).

In a business of reinforcing rhetoric and buzzwords the press legitimized this group calling for Obama's "real" birth certificate when they named them "The Birthers", thus presenting them as a heavily populated group with an honest concern instead of as the hundreds of racists and disgruntled republicans scattered across the bible-belt that they actually are.

Virtually all of the prominent voices of the movement (although, it is certainly NOT a movement) that sides with the "Birthers" have stated that they actually believe Barack Obama IS a citizen of the United States making the "non-issue" at hand completely irrelevant. Lou Dobbs stated "I believe Obama is a citizen" and Representative Campbell, the co-author of a bill concerning the subject, stated he felt Obama was an "American citizen". Lou Dobbs, as well as others, stand behind the excuse that they are just "asking questions". Here's a question "Why don't you shut the fuck up?".

This claim to be just "asking questions" is used abundantly among holocaust deniers as well as in conspiracy theories regarding the events of 9/11 and the JFK assassination. I am completely an advocate of asking unpopular questions, especially questions that undermine the beliefs of the status quo. However, once you ask said questions, you must be prepared to back them up and stand with them when the contrary answers are presented to you.

During a segment on Hardball Representative Campbell claims that he "cannot see" the birth certificate presented in front of him, completely similar in almost every single way to G. Gordon Liddy appearing on the same show to discuss the very same issue the very day before. Liddy claims that he "cannot see" the birth certificate held up literally right in front of his eyes. Their arguments had been debunked so clearly they had no other option but to sit there and lie.

G. Gordon Liddy goes on to complain that if there is no certificate of live birth within America, then President Obama is a criminal. A criminal? For being a politician withholding information? You mean like G. GORDON LIDDY who spent four and a half years in PRISON for helping a President withhold information from the public?

G. Gordon Liddy IS a convicted criminal! So even if Obama kept watch outside as others went in and falsified his birth certificate G. Gordon Liddy still has ABSOLUTELY(!!)no moral high ground whatsoever!!!!(forever and ever) Fuck this dude! Shouldn't he be fucking dead by now anyway?! His face is as active as those old dudes who used to sit in the balcony and talk shit about The Muppet Show!

One of the only arguments ever made in these segments is that what is presented is not a "Birth Certificate" but rather a "Certificate of Life Birth". While there is a distinction here, those making the claims rarely back it up and just like bickering children stand by their claim as their ignorance shines through their arguments of semantics.

This is almost a step beyond the ignorance that was proclaimed during the Terry Schaivo incident. On the Nightly News during that time many on the Right proclaimed that she could not be "Brain-dead" because there is no such thing. Their reasoning was that if the brain is dead then you're dead. As any medical professional (or even anyone WITH a brain) can tell you there most certainly IS a state of consciousness known as being "Brain-Dead", however the press, as they are doing now, continued to provide a forum for such erroneous assertions.

The nature of debate and the discussions that dominate contemporary politics is going to naturally give some legitimacy to groups who make questionable, ill-informed or even just ignorant claims as they are documented in the press for the knowledge of the public. Some journalists do attempt to debunk these issues as they inform their audiences of their existence. However in some cases, and especially in regards to "non-issues" of which there is little more than just sensationalism to be presented, all the press is doing is getting a claim to be taken more serious by the public than it has any right to be.

In an effort to create an issue where there is none, other than the fact that this has gone as far as being a topic of congressional legislation, the press has sacrificed what little was left of their integrity. As they all spent their time last week honoring legendary journalist Walter Cronkite perhaps the press should now spend some time considering not only what it means to "get it first, but get it right", they should also consider making sure the story is worth "getting" in the first place.

American politics has in the last several years been growing more bitter and dividing as it is saturated with meaningless rhetoric, code-words and an increasing Us vs. Them mentality. The media, as well as our public culture, is sucked into the middle of this focusing its meager attention span on every "non-issue" it can absorb, from the location of Michael Jackson's brain to whether or not the President has a legitimate Birth certificate and not just a Certificate of Live Birth.

With discussions as thrilling and entertaining as those do we really even need to bother asking whether or not the elections in Iran were stolen or why the War in Afghanistan is seeing more American casualties than since the war began or even what is to be done on the insurance company stranglehold on our nation's health care? At least one of these issues is getting some attention in between this meaningless debate.

It's not all fun and games as many Americans face the undeniable and shocking reality of what is reported in the "News". So today as Lou Dobbs and others continue to rant on a Mother is told her son was killed in the war, her home was lost, her job was lost, as well as her medical insurance because of a claim that being hereditarily prone for cancer counts as a "pre-existing condition"; but she can be thankful that Congress is ready to make sure that before you can lead the country to solving any one of those problems we must first be certain than at the Presidents birth his mother's vagina was verifiably certified to be within an arbitrary border.

God bless the USA!

For more information please see: Obama's cheeseburger with Dijon mustard, Miss California, Perez Hilton, Paris Hilton, Y2K, any celebrity scandal ever, etc.

Thursday, July 23, 2009

I think Freud was wrong

Most guys don't want to fuck their mothers, some of us would prefer just to make love.

Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Tuesday, June 23, 2009

Perez Hilton is a Faggot

Someone had to say it.
Joel Straley

Twitter was used over the weekend as a resource for a young man who had been attacked and was in need of assistance from the police. Of course, this was not from a young protester fighting for change in Iran, it was an American F-list celebrity, who's name is a reference to a D-list celebrity, in trouble in Canada. Perez Hilton currently made "headlines" on the afternoon of a slow Monday after being involved in a fight that followed an argument with Fergie and Will.I.Am of the Black Eyed Peas. (whats the deal with the names of celebrities nowadays? Fergie? Will.I.Am? Perez Hilton? Where the fuck was Kid Rock or Lady Gaga?). Hilton or Mario, as he is known to his parents and I assume anyone who knew him before the requisite goth to diva transition in High School, used his Twitter account to spread the urgency of his situation.

For any of his "fans" who happened to have been checking up on his Twitter page at 4 on a Monday morning he posted this entry: "I am bleeding. Please, I need to file a police report. No joke". I know celebrities...excuse me, people with a high amount of Twitter followers, or Twats, feel like they have a special bond with the bored kids that read their posts but this is absurd. First off, if you can check your Twitter, you can file a police report. If I'm not mistaken the internetz can be used much like the telephone line that has existed perfectly fine since 1876.

I cannot imagine that even Perez Hilton is naive (or lets go ahead and say it: Dumb) enough to actually believe someone would read that and then call 911 and be involved in a conversation that would probably go as follows:

Deranged fan Perez hopes exist: "OhMiBlog! Perez is in trouble! Hello, 911?"

Poor dispatcher that has to take the call: "Yes, state your emergency"

DFPHE: "Um, according to his recent Twit Perez Hilton is bleeding somewherez in Canada"

PDTHTTTC: "Ok, are you a friend of the injured?"

DFPHE: "According to Myspace, Facebook and Twitter; yes. In real life I saw him once at my Cousin's 16th Birthday Party at the Hamptons last year, the Jonas Brothers played because, like, her dad owns a dealership"

PDTHTTTC: "Where is this person now?"

DFPHE: "OMG! Srzly, you guys! I don't know, his post ended at 140 Characters! Duh!"

(dial tone)

Perez Hilton was punched in the back of the head by the Black Eyed Peas tour manager...or some shit, the details are totally irrelevant. Perez Hilton was greeted by Will.I.Am who said something along the lines of "Hey, I'm Will.I.Am, you may remember me from not being Barack Obama in those 'Yes We Can' youtube campaign videos, or from CNN's magic hologram machine. I noticed you have a blog, could you do me a favor and not say I'm a douchebag and then draw a Microsoft Paint-style cock in my mouth, Thanks! I hope we can be friends!". To which Perez Hilton seriously replied "You know what, I don't respect you and you're gay and stop being such a faggot". I can only imagine that Perez was attempting to insult Will.I.Am while wearing an extra-small shirt, pink flip-flops and a diaper.

Now you may remember Perez Hilton getting all in a twist after making Ms. California a bigger household name than his own a month or so ago. Perez Hilton referred to her as a "Cunt" and a "Dumb Bitch" after she answered his question about Prop 8 by saying she only believed in "Opposite marriage".

When you ask someone a question like that they can respond only with "Yes, I agree with it", "No, I don't agree with it" or "I don't really care". Ms. California apparently gave Perez Hilton the wrong answer, nevermind how irrelevent it was to her possible position as Miss Noone-gives-a-shit. Again showing how egotistical he is, he tries to stand up for homosexuals, as if he actually expected a different answer from a white-bred suburban-raised conservative rich girl, while completely neglecting the manufactured misogyny thats allowed to be so prevalent at those competitions (as well as from Perez Hilton himself). You know what Ms. California didn't say: "I think we should have marriage for opposites and not for faggots". Perez Hilton would have shit in that diaper he wears if she had. Of course she didn't say that, only a defender of homosexual rights like Perez Hilton is allowed to speak so openly homophobic. If Perez Hilton was EVER(!) considered to be positive for homosexuals in America then Flava Flav is goddamn Martin Luther King, Jr.

I think its time that all Americans come to an agreement on what has been a considerably large elephant in the rooom: Perez Hilton needs to go! We thought Paris Hilton was bad for being famous for being famous, but she at least gave us a popular porn video, Perez Hilton has given nothing! I felt like a douchebag even writing this. We shall never speak of him again starting....NOW!

Oh, and can we agree that the Black Eyed Peas suck too?

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

All We Fear is Our Fears

OR: Extra! Extra! Everyone You Know and Love is DEAD!
By Joel Straley

Politics without fear is boring. Fear is an element that drives passion within people. The fear of losing your job, healthcare, civil rights and common moral decency are the back bone to most political issues. The government plays the role of both justifying and easing such fears. Fear is used to both perpetuate and ease tension within the public, from Dick Cheney warning of an imminent nuclear attack in a major city if John Kerry wins the presidential election (oh, thank god we dodged that bullet) to FDR reminding us that we all we have to fear is fear itself (ummm, yeah, that a little group called the fuckin NAZI'S, Frank!).

Throughout our history it can be argued that many of these public fears have been justified. It is abundantly evident to all Americans that the political culture after the events of 9/11 has been saturated with fear to the point of absurdity. But who and what are we really afraid of? Are we justified in constantly taking every threat of sudden death seriously? Who really hates our freedom? What will be this rising doom set to destroy our world as we know it – global warming, nuclear weapons, religious extremists, economic collapse, American Idol, etc. etc. etc.? Through three current cases, I believe it to be that America's 'fears' are perpetuated by their fear. America has always been number one! (duh), and when it comes to fear no one comes close to scaring Americans shitless quite like Americans.

It is no secret that the threat of Swine Flu was/is completely over-exaggerated by the media. Public opinion reflected this as the threat was constantly mocked in social circles. It was the new laughable threat that was going to destroy the world, just as Bird Flu, Y2K and 9/11 had been before it (…too soon?). Virtually no one is able to accept that the deaths from Swine Flu could ever outweigh the annual deaths that arise from the common 'human' flu, and no one has to fuck a pig or a bird (or however we're told these things spread) to get the seasonal flu. I'd like to promise a dollar to all Americans if Swine Flu ever tops the 35,000 annual deaths from seasonal flu, and I would if I didn’t have a slight fear of losing all my money staying honest to a stupid promise written on a blog.

However, if some level of concern was not grounded the story would quickly vanish, instead of taking up daily headlines of its exponentially increasing threat to the world. Even though the chances of actually contracting Swine Flu were (1) so trifling that I didn't even take the time to figure out exactly how many zeros would have to appear after the decimal point, but I can only imagine it’s more than ten and less than a billion. Instead of using simple prevention techniques like washing your fuckin' hands and being cleaner than a 9-year-old Mexican boy on a pig farm, Americans took their fear into their own unclean hands.

As is relatively common-place with Chicken Pox; germophobic(2), overly-protective suburban mothers began throwing "Swine-Flu" parties for their children. And here you thought you wanted to kill yourself while sitting through an office cocktail party. Instead of waiting around for a sickness that they probably would never have contracted anyway, these parents were willing to force themselves and their children to fall victim to the potentially deadly virus they had irrationally feared getting in the first place. They jumped the gun and were willing to give themselves a 100 percent chance instead of the minute percentage that I was too lazy to Google. Apparently it is equivalent to winning the lottery (but really isn't everything?)

So while Americans were busy giving their kids Swine-Flu so the hysteria could continue they were also shitting a brick over the idea of 'Waterboarding'. The American public has been shocked that this had been used against captured combatants being detained by the CIA (yep, that CIA) as an "enhanced inTerrOgation technique" or "haRsh inTerrogation" or "alternative set of procedUREs" or whatever you'd like to call it when you give someone the experience of drowning for a good half a minute up to 183 times.

There was a debate over whether this was productive in gaining useful and accurate information that will help make America more secure (2.5). After all, Mr. Bush and Mr. Cheney claimed that the waterboarding of Khalid Sheikh Mohammed prevented a planned terrorist attack on Los Angeles. The plan for the attack was stopped in 2002, a year before K.S. Mo’(3) was captured in March 2003. This proves that waterboarding is so effective in keeping America safe that not even time can stand in its way.

It seems as almost every time the issue of waterboarding was debated, whether by Sean Hannity and Charles Grodin or by Jesse Ventura and those wild and crazy kids on Fox and Friends, the discussion would revert to “oh, yeah? If it doesn’t suck then try it” “Ok, I will” “then, do it” “I will” “I love America” “I love America too” “if you don’t do it, you hate the troops” “Oh yeah?” "I know you are but what am I?" etc. etc. etc. until someones head explodes!

So as we became so fearful of this procedure and what exactly we were putting detained combatants through many journalists began willing being waterboarded. Virtually, every one of them would ‘bet’ (usually for a charity) that they could last 15-30 seconds and almost all of them would quite before 10 and come out shock and appalled by the procedure (4).

Christopher Hitchens was the first major case, but he was soon followed by Fox News journalist Steve Harrigan, Playboy (wtf?) journalist Mike Guy, journalist and former Military officer Kaj Larsen and radio host Erich “Mancow” Muller. Apparently these guys might not jump off a bridge if everyone else is doing it but they will let their friends pour of gallon water up their nose. The important fact is that only 3 captured individuals (4.5) were subjected to waterboarding by the CIA. Thus, more American journalists have willingly undergone waterboarding than foreign enemy combatants have had it forced upon them.

The issue of waterboarding is, of course, a subordinate of what is arguably America’s greatest ongoing fear: Terrorism. While we have learned that it is easier just to ship Americans oversees and let them be killed out of sight and out of mind in Iraq or Afghanistan rather than on our own soil, the threat of a major terrorist attack on innocent Americans is one of the strongest fears guiding the direction of modern politics.

One of the major examples of a story that attempts to reinforce how well we are protected by the American Government is also one of the most ironic. The 2009 Bronx, New York Terrorism plot was a plot halted by the FBI, that used questionable tactics that can viewed as essentially being entrapment. The FBI had stopped four Muslims from a plan that involved shooting down military planes from an Air Force base and bombing two Bronx Synagogues. These four men were not affiliated with any foreign (or domestic) terrorist group and of them three were American citizens and the fourth was a Haitian immigrant who was bipolar and schizophrenic (According to the New York Times this dude kept bottles of piss in his apartment).

This terrorist plot started with an FBI informant….that’s right, STARTED with an FBI informant spreading the message of Jihad at a Mosque in Newburgh, New York. Since much of the congregation could easily spot that he was an informant they didn’t feel a need to report him to authorities. The informant did get one guy to bite, James Cromitie, then encouraged his anti-Semitism and dreams of martyrdom and let him form a small group of individuals who are all believed to have converted to Islam while in American Prisons. The four chose their own targets, I guess the FBI felt they didn’t want to all the work themselves, and began plotting. They received defunct weapons FROM the FBI, as well as a $700 pistol from gang leader associated with the Bloods. The FBI monitored the men and arrested them after the fake explosives had been placed at the synagogue.

The 24 hour news networks would now allow a gasp/sigh of shock/relief to run through wide-eyed Americans as both a confirmation of their worst fears and the satisfaction that the plan was thwarted before it happened. The FBI could now be applauded for successfully protecting Americans from an attack they helped put in place. Rather than stopping any real foreign enemies motivated by hate and/or extremism the FBI had lucked out by finding four crazy guys and giving them free reign to act crazy. Essentially as Americans fear terrorism from Middle Eastern Muslims, one of the FBIs biggest claims in the War on Terror involved 3 American men who’d converted to Islam in American prisons. This 3 out of 4 ratio is actually less comparatively than the number of 9/11 Hijackers from Saudi Arabia; a country that has seen almost no condemnation from the United States when it comes to terrorism (5).

The continuation and elevating of America’s favorite fears comes in all sorts of cases beyond swine flu parties, waterboarded journalists, FBI approved terrorist plots going even to the negative concerns involved with using Ethanol as an alternative fuel to stop the increase of global warming. It’s no secret that it doesn’t take much to make America shit a brick. BOO!! See how easy that was. At least you can take a nice deep breathe knowing I didn’t tell you your son has a boyfriend, which he just might.

With the Media’s ever-growing obsession with latching on to and perpetuating hysterical newstories we must confront the fact that we are responsible for over-blowing how much concern these fears actually call for. It’s not that these fears are unjustified; the problem is that our fear of them blinds us and allows us to push the level of hysteria they cause to complete absurdity. There are many conclusions to draw from these examples at this point but none more obvious than this: America needs to stop acting like a dog that runs from a deadly threat from behind without ever realizing it's its own tail. At the very least I can always assure you we’ll make it through today, because it’s already tomorrow in Australia(6).


1. I’m going to refer to Swine Flu as being in the past tense from now on, because let’s be honest: no one really cares enough to be scared anymore.
2. Interesting fact: the correct term for “germophobic” is “mysophobic”, yet Microsoft Word does not recognize either term. So in a sense Microsoft Word has no concept of a fear of dirt and germs.
2.5 Khalid Sheikh Mohammed has since stated in papers made public on June 15 that he lied and made false confessions to stop the torture....Surprise!!
3. That’s right I’m starting this. So feel free to refer to him by this alias from now on. I hear he loves going by nicknames anyway.
4. This reinforces the old adage: As dumb as a journalist.
4.5 How do you like these P.C. ways of saying "terrorist”? Not bad, right?
5. I won’t go into this now but it has very little to do with President Obama bowing.
6. Appropriated from a quote by Charles M. Schulz

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

The National-Socialist Manifesto for America:

(To be mass produced and distributed freely to all schools, banks, churches, bars, whorehouses, union lobbies, political parties and all other communities of good faith)


Are you tired of the pejorative use of the term "Socialism", "Fascism" and the high-jacking of the word "Patriot" as well as the right to a love of Freedom?

As fertile youthfully minded leftist Obama supporters plan the future; The National-Socialist Party is their party!
Turn off Keith Olberman and stop yelling at Glenn Beck!


Now is the time. Newsweek has proclaimed "WE ARE ALL SOCIALISTS NOW!" While I would never question our proudly liberal media it is true that America has a future that is destined to be made up of more than just your simple European-Laissez-Faire-La-di-Da-Can-I-Borrow-A-Quarter-Socialists under its newly-welcomed Socialist Presidential Administration.

We are Americans! We are Patriotic! We are NATIONAL-SOCIALISTS!! We are one nation UNDER OBAMA! FREE at last!

We mustn't fear a redistribuiton of wealth as we are running low on wealth to redistribute! Our wealth comes from within! We must never forget that we are the ones we've been waiting for! We are all Obama and Obama is US!

CHANGE has come to AMERICA:

We were dying! We cried for help! We demanded an end to the specter that haunted us so severely in recent times.
We prayed for an answer. OBAMA has come as that answer.

AMERICA is restoring its image! Thanks to the rising power of our fearless, charismatic and impossible-not-to-love PRESIDENT we have gracefully returned to being the shining city upon a hill!!

This shall be displayed to all as we wear the symbol of his glorious rising sun as a literal arm-band of honor! Our soft drinks will proudly display this symbol!! We will be reminded of it on billboards of said soft drinks that will reinforce positive phrases like "Joy", "Love" ,"Pop" and "Hope".

However, not all is well. The Democratic Party has a name that is going to be tarnished just as the name The Republican Party is so openly despised today. As members of that Vile Vermin, the first being Arlen "Specter that haunts us", sneak into the new RISING, RULING PARTY of AMERICA we must distance ourselves from those who oppose the CHANGE(!) our fearless leader has promised our GREAT NATION.

We must distance ourselves from all former political parties and create one single party that works for all Americans!!

The NATIONAL-SOCIALIST PARTY! as if that was not already evident by this point.

What About the CHILDREN?:

We must not allow Sarah Palin or Joe the Plumber anywhere near our Children!!! Our Children will be sent to education camps known as "Public Schools" where they will be taught Math, Evolution and Political-Correctness!! They shall wear cute little uniforms every morning as they Pledge their Allegiance!!

The Boy Scouts will forced to allow gays to join in the fun of homoerotic experimentation at summer camps!! They shall now be referred to as the OBAMA YOUTH! Our children will be forced to participate in shameful sex education courses where they will proudly and openly be given condoms!!..For which they will use during premarital SEX!!

Is their HOPE for TOMORROW?:

We are demanding regulations on all evil, greedy, and polluting corporate business!! These qualifications of such terms will be arbitrary as we will hate all companies whose CEO's are old ugly white men whose eyes we do not trust. We call for a Nationalizing of our failing Banks! We are demanding a outlaw on all that capitalism allows us to be harmed!! This includes all physical, emotional, social, financial, intellectual, romantic, mental, spiritual or fictitious pain that can be blamed on a functioning business!! We shall ban Tans-Fats and all Carbs as we Tax our soda! and Finally, We Must undoubtedly have mandatory Minorities in the finalists of American Idol!!

We have already passed S-Chip, the Lilly Ledbetter Fair Pay Act, put a time-table on the Iraq War, purchased a puppy and are moving towards denouncing torture. (allowing our NEW AMERICAN STANDARD to openly affect the lives of children, women, the younger generation to whom we owe so much, the media and common decency). But is this enough as the Republican Party lies in a ditch waiting among us to strike once more? To prevent no future Republican Revolutions, all True-Blue Americans must ask ourselves: What is the final solution to the Republican question?


Much has been said of the shrinking Conservative base of the Republican party that has left our beloved country in such a state as it is today. Their Grand Old Party is squiring like rats, after they had feasted on the accomplishments of the preceding more socialist leader(s) who had brought peace and prosperity.

Their party caused division, and distrust amongst our people. Their final leader, with his beady eyes and pointy nose led his rats into our schools and churches and forced us to be poorer and more ignorant than we had been in decades (or at least a little over a half of one decade).

Now they have no country, no home, and have squeaked loudly enough to hear only on one day this year with their pathetic teabags on how they don't even wish to contribute to the growth and upstart of the New Rising Socialist America. Obama's America! An America where our children will be free of a world of Evangelical Conservative Republicans!!

The Evangelical Republican Right Wing of this country whines and complains while playing the role of the victim to garner our sympathy and pity! They are rats and undeserving of our sympathy, our pity, our time or our respect!!

WHAT is to be DONE?

The republicans are TRAITORS! to our country and our handsome PRESIDENT!!! They are not worthy to witness his thrilling and captivating speeches that have United, once again, our UNITED States. They have cost us our image by tearing Iraq into shambles. For this I offer only one solution: American Prisons in Iraq...for all TRAITORS!!!

They have utilized secret prisons in Europe and have proudly displayed to the world the atrocities of Abu Ghraib and Guantanamo Bay. I offer no other option but to separate these TRAITORS from The Socialist Nation of Obama and use their own tax dollars to separate and contain them within their own prisons.

For those who wish to not support the NEW RISING SOCIALIST AMERICA through their taxes, they shall be blacklisted and forced to earn the money that they would owe in taxes by collecting all that trickles down in newly built LABOR CAMPS(!!) that will also be built not only with their money....but OUT of their money!!!

YES, THAT IS CORRECT! The GREEDY and covetous rats, that are the remaining Republicans who slither around us, will be held in camps made entirely of bricks bound out of the cotton that is our legal tender.

As sickness spreads through these heathens we will offer no health care options. By which, we must be very careful with how we define the term "universal". Their hardest workers can pick themselves up from their bootstraps and teach themselves how to be doctors! If this does not occur we shall allow them once a week to gather where they can pray to their 6,000 year old god, whose name we shall no longer capitalize, for a cure to their illnesses.

Those who act out inside the labor camps will face the wrath of a newly stated military policy!! For we shall remove "Don't ask, Don't Tell" and it shall be replaced with "Try it, You Might Like It" where homophobic dissenters will be forced to have a homosexual experience ....and with a black man(!) who they will refer to only as My Commander-in-Chief.

We shall openly reject their plan to place Ronald Reagan (whose name makes NEW SOCIALIST AMERICANS vomit) on the 10 Dollar bill. His face is not worthy of our toilet paper and will be outright banned on reasons of unwarranted dissent alone!


All Dissent will now be strictly controlled. All Ayn Rand books will be collected and shat in for being as stupid as they are long and boring!!! During any open protests we shall surround the dissenters and parade them with cheers of OBAMA! OBAMA! USSA!

No, fuck it, We must PUT AN END to DISSENT ALTOGETHER!! We must hurry and pass the Fairness Doctrine silencing the radio voice that speaks ILL of our PRESIDENT and promotes propaganda that could inhibit our ultimately socialist goals.

All American Cheeseburgers will be sold only with Dijoun Mustard!! No regular mustard shall be permitted as its color represents cowardice. Ketchup shall not be permitted as its RED is a reminder of two things that induce nausea and discontent in the stomachs and hearts, respectively, in all TRUE NEW NATIONAL-SOCIALIST AMERICANS. Fore, It is the color of the burning political right wing, and its brand is associated with Sen. Kerry who failed to lead us or his swift boat buddies to any thing close to victory! We must make it mandatory that they are never served without a side of FASCIST fries, presented solely to ween the public on the idea that FASCISM in AMERICA is DELICIOUS!!


THIS IS A CALL TO ARMS!!! WE SHALL LEAD THE WAY TO A NEW SOCIALIST EMPIRE in our bumper-stickered Volvos that exhaust fumes of rainbows and sunshine while holding our new Starbucks Travel companion carrying packs (yeah, did you hear about that? They're fuckin sweet...and we get like 12 espressos! I know!!)!!!

Hail OBAMA! and God Bless the USSA!


-Joel Straley, 2009