Sunday, December 21, 2008

A Modest Proposal to Sarah Silverman

My friend had a dream where I was engaged to Sarah Silverman for some reason. So I sent her a myspace message: Oh but I sent it from the GoWolf page so I had to send it again. Good work, dumbass. (that was to me, not you)

"Sorry I sent this message from my bands site (did you check us out? Pretty rockin, right? That one song "DFW" we wrote in 1 night..can you tell?)

Miss Silverman,
Now I'm sure this is the type of thing you get all the time but please hear me out. My friend recently had a dream where we were engaged. I know we've never met, which is probably why you don't recognize me, but I gave it some thought and figured you seem like a pretty cool chick...like a real dude's chick, not a chick-chick. I'd like to see if we hit things off and then you can meet my parents, just try not to say any abortion jokes OMG!!! total JK! They love abortion jokes.

So a little about me- I'm 24, but am very mature for my age and am an aspiring writer (how was this message? Any grammar or syntax advice?) and actor. I've wanted to be an actor ever since I saw Dustin Hoffman in "Hook" and thought to myself "Hey, I can do that". And I would also like to be rich and/or famous but will settle for dating a celebrity (That's you).

I remember when I saw your cleavage on the cover of "Heeb magazine" and I knew from that moment that you were more than just another pretty face. I believe there are rumors circulating that you are now back dating Jimmy Kimmel again and let me tell you on behalf of America, Sarah, come on....come on, Sarah...Sarah. Sure I'll be the first to admit I may not be as successful as Jimmy Kimmel, I mean we all couldn't have hosted The Man Show and 'discovered' Carson Daly. But for the record, I've never been a douchey late-night talk show host, so when you're with me, baby, don't expect to have to fain interest in conversation and fake laughter while I do lame topical jokes and drag out monologues, oh, but did you hear when Monica Lewinsky was eating hot dogs and she...oh yeah, right, nevermind.

So also my penis is pretty cute if that helps seal the deal. Anyway hope to hear back soon and I want you to know I'm very serious about this. So don't be afraid that I'm just another loser who's gonna use you and never call you back.
Hope to hear back soon.
Joel

P.S. I met Dave Chappelle once and he told me he's known you for a long time so, ya know, we already have similar acquaintances, so it just kinda seems right.

P.S.S I'd be happy with just one date, preferably here in New York the next time you're in town. I'll wear a funny cat shirt and we'll see if the chemistry is right...which if my friends dream is any indication it will be ;) LOLZ OMG!!!"

Saturday, December 20, 2008

Antarctic Oil: What We Don't Know Could Save Us!

Oh, Mother Earth! How sweet you have been as we humans have raped you again and again for your precious natural resources. We started off pretty harmless: salt, sugar, spice, everything nice. But then we got a taste of some of the hard stuff: Gold. Ok, we admit we got a little loopy for it for awhile. But we chilled out and we're better now, I mean hell, our currency isn't even based on it anymore. Come to think of it what is our currency based on then? (EDITORS NOTE:That's a discussion for another day.)

But now you got us hooked good on your precious, precious, life-affirming, beautuful black oil. HAND IT OVER YOU SELFISH BITCH!!!! I'm sorry but you know I just I needs a taste, baby, that's all. So its obvious we've become addicted to oil and those fuckers in the Middle East have.....well, lets just leave it at Those fuckers in the Middle East.

We needs it baby, but we're running out and we're starting to feel the effects of it. We need an answer and we need it now.

Hmm, I wonder what are those penguins and scientists doing down their in Antarctica? Fuck mining the moon, I bet Antarctica is the real oil promise-land!

So you may now be asking yourself - Yeah, why aren't all the oil companies busting balls to start drilling for oil in Antarctica. Well, that is because exploration for Antarctic oil is prohibited until 2048. Thanks a lot Protocol on Environmental Protection pussies! But, no worries because you can bet your ass that by 2040 Oil rigs will start being built there to be ready...just in case. Oil Execs: "Oh, well, we're just building reserves we won't actually start drilling until 2048...Jan.1, 2048, promise."

So Let's say they start drilling and it turns out that they south pole is packed to the brim with fresh oil. Now, we'll have plenty of oil again..and enough to ease the oil crisis for at least a little while. So, ya know, that's a plus.

But what if this oil reserve is so huge that we actually discover that oil extraction from the earth is actually necessary. So necessary in fact that if oil is not removed from Earth it causes a carbon buildup and increases the temperature of earth as a whole.

And thus, oil dependence becomes not the cause of global warming but rather the solution.

If this one simple scenario were to become true it would be an incredible turn around for the survival of mankind. But alas we both know this will probably not be the case.

Its fun to dream.

Friday, November 14, 2008

The Mayans were right: Palin 2012

I have long been a believer in the theory that the Mayan calendar calls for a significant change in the year 2012, whether this be the apocalypse or a mass change in human consciousness. In its defense the Mayan calendar was based on a mathematical circle and didn't have any of that extra-day-every-four-years bullshit. However I will admit that you would think if they were good at predicting things they would of at least attempted to save their own civilization by foreseeing the coming of Europeans with guns.

But now I think I know how it will happen: Palin 2012.

I think things will get better under President Obama. In the words of The Beatles, it couldn't get much worse. It is no secret people love voting for people who are "just like me". I think as things get better the pains of the previous republican administration will fade away. Palin will return in 2012 and Aemricans will go "OMG!! I love this bitch, I can't believe she's back! Lets go get mcdonalds!" And then I believe Palin will finally get here chance and she will win the 2012 election.

And then it will slowly sink into the rest of the world that America just made Sarah Palin the fuckin' President of the United States. And then on December 21,2012 it will finally hit people what exactly this will mean and then BAM!! everyone's head will explode!

....just as the Mayans predicted.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Pres. Obama and the most important election of your lifetime

To all the conservatives bitching today:
I've listened to your crying through your radio hosts, your cable news channel, your blogs and I know that you think your at fault for not going even further to the right.
And it only makes me laugh. (I do hope the rumors of a New separate Neo-Con political party are true). There's a good line from when Truman was running for President and speaking to a group of farmers, who at the time generally voted republican, and said "How many times do you have to be hit by a hammer before you look up and see just who it is that's hitting you?"

When your kids ask you about when the first black man became president are you really going to answer "Well, we were pissed that this socialist, Marxist, terrorist, inexperienced Muslim was gonna come in and destroy the economy, safety and country we had just spent the last 8 years FUCKING UP!!!"

But there is something to look forward to..I know you think that people will see the results of a democratic presidency and it will swing back in your favor, but If you really thought this was true perhaps you shouldn't have spent the last 8 years letting Bush set such low standards for future presidents.

Enlightenment can be a beautiful thing, but its so much better when the rest of the world joins in.

Tuesday, November 4, 2008

THE BEAST IS DEAD!

OBAMA LIVES!

Who the fuck is Barack Obama?

Its election day again? And what the fuck is this black guy doing on the ballot?

Kids, go vote -The more ballots there are to try and secretly throw away the harder it will be to not given into the people and just give them what they want.

GO VOTE!!!!

(and then you can go home and masturbate...it'll be like reward and its another good way to use your freedoms....remember the Taliban doesn't masturbate and look how fucked up they are..you don't wanna be a Talibani do ya?)


But seriously, just like every election this one is coming down to republicans and black people...if you don't vote for Nader who will? just kidding,..remember Nader is older than Mccain and truth be told you know more about Palin than you did his V.P...and you don't even know his V.P's name.

Now go put a boot in their ass...oh and by Go Vote I mean Go Vote Obama, obviously.

Come on, I know you don't wanna see Akon go back to Africa: http://www.freerepublic.com/focus/f-news/2124917/posts

Friday, October 31, 2008

Trig Paxson Van Palin

Yes, you did read that correctly..and yes you do know what that means. Sarah Palin's son - not the one in Iraq, the special-needs child- is named Trig Paxon Van Palin. And Yes she did that because she is a big fan of Van Halen and thought it would be funny. And Yes it is funny.
But you know what else is funny?
Her son has down's syndrome and do you know what that means?
That means that throughout his life he will never get the joke.
He will never really be able to comprehend the fact that his mom, the first female Republican Vice-Presidential Candidate, named a pun that references an 80s hair metal band.



but for the record Sarah Palin does make me hot for teacher. "I brought my peennncciill"

Monday, October 27, 2008

An Email from Gov. Sarah Palin

I just filled with joy as I witness my gmail account refresh itself and noticed I had an incoming mail. Imagine how I was overcome with delight to see that the sender was none other than that of Alaska's own Gov. Sarah Palin. I dear say, I almost felt it move. Palin informed me that Democratic Presidential Candidate (and TERRORist by association) Barak H. Obama's television advertising budget is larger than that of Diet Coke and Mickey D's.

..Someone call the fuckin' police!

Sunday, September 28, 2008

In Defense of Hipsters

The following is my rebutal to the following article form ADBUSTERS:

http://www.adbusters.org/magazine/79/hipster.html?page=1

In Defense of Hipsters
by
Joel Straley

Adbusters contributer Douglas Haddow exposes Hipsterdom"as shameless clich├ęs of a class of individuals that seek to escape their own wealth and privilege by immersing themselves in the aesthetic of the working class. "
He goes on in the article "Hipster: The Dead End of Western Civilization" to claim that Hipsters are simply youthful consumers who suggest that what they consume is cool and thus are apart of a never-ending circle of consuming what they are told is cool - and calling 'cool' whatever it is they are consuming. Vintage clothing and the adoption of products normally associated with the 'working class' is not a new counterculture attribute associated specifically with 'hipsters'. In fact it is well noted to have existed as early as the beat generation and so on. Hippies adopted many elements of style that were associated with poverty, i.e. Salvation army t-shirts, and an appreciation for found items that teeter on the brink of being campy and kitch.

To say that Hipsters are not doing anything challenging is completely missing the point. Truly many experimental artist are pushing against mainstream culture as hard as any counterculture has before them. In specifically the current noise movement in music is represented by a true-er brand of hipsters, in the similar way that the 'freaks' (Zappa, Beefheart, etc.) existed against the
'hippie's' during the '60's. (For more of an analysis of this I suggest Frank Zappa and The Mothers of Invention's "We're Only In It For The Money", with its ironic (GASP!) title the album expresses anger towards the sycophants that adopted the hippie culture, while focusing on the ever present divide between the generations that separate teenagers, who are almost always at the epicenter of counterculture, from the generation of their parents.

To suggest, as the article does, that the keffiyeh is worn only as a fashion statement and has no bearing to his meaning as it is worn by left-wing jews to show a support for Palestine shows a complete lack of knowledge of the articles subjects. I won't disagree that the Keffiyeh has been adopted as a fashion statement but to think that these hipsters at heart aren't left-wing (and mostly New York City Jews) and in support of Palestine is ignorant. Like all artsy subcultures they are a left-wing crowd who hold radical left wing view points. Earlier this very day at the Mccarren park pool party performance of Aesop Rock, I witnessed a kid wearing a shirt that featured an image of a keffiyeh wrapped around his neck. I applauded the shirt for its humorously ironic commentary on the conservative outrage of it as a fashion symbol, i.e. the Rachel Ray-Dunki' Donuts ad. If you don't find that amusing then you should admit you are out of whatever youthful loop it is we are discussing here.

After 9/11 a conversation arose as if this event, with its such serious implications, would cause an end to irony. Apathy and Irony reign supreme in hipsterdom because it is the only reaction intellectual art kids have in current society. It is the reflection of the apathy that exists across mainstream America- in small towns divided by religion with residents too scared to face the issue, in the workers of the factories too scared too speak up as they watch themselves and co-workers get laid off as their jobs are moved to far off countries, in the american public as they continue to watch gas prices raise, the continuing of an endless war and the crimes committed by a congress and presidential administration that hardly holds an adequate percentage of supports from them.
The Hipsters came of age in a world that finally received the fascist government and endless war that had been preached and fear-mongered since 1984 and all through the cold war. They witness a rise in technology that would force society to re-think social behavior and communication as well as affecting how information is perceived and its increase in over-availability.
This makes one of the ending lines of the article even more appalling. "I take a look at one of the girls wearing a bright pink keffiyah and carrying a Polaroid camera and think, “If only we carried rocks instead of cameras, we’d look like revolutionaries.” But instead we ignore the weapons that lie at our feet – oblivious to our own impending demise." This line is the epitome of what this article represents: Someone on the outside of 'cool' trying to analyze what 'cool' is. Not saying what 'cool' is, is how cool works. This article makes Douglas Haddow seem much less like a social and commercial culture critic and more like an old man saying 'these kids today....'. Of course hipsters don't admit to being hipsters, just as Abbie Hoffman and John Lennon wouldn't to being hippies, Ginsberg and Kerouc weren't admit to being beatnics and Johnny Rotten won't admit to being punk. This poor analyziation reaches its thesis by observing elements that have existed in all modern counterculture movements.

Perhaps what Haddow is noticing is not an end to Western Civilization and rather more the first major post-modern counterculture with its ironic view of current culture mixed with a longing nostalgia. This is evident in virtually all aspects of society, not just hipsterdom. Like "The Colbert Report" uses irony to make more obvious the current policitical hippocracies, Hipsterdom has adopted irony as a real sense of expression towards a culture that feeds them more and more celebrities who are famously "famous, for being famous". To me Hipsterdom is the perfect counterculture to a world that is obsessed around an endless "war on terror", watching its teen idols spiral out in self destruction and a new existence where over abundance of information and culture is hardly even phasing.


Back to that quote by Mr. Haddow that if only the hipsters were carrying rocks instead of Polaroid cameras they'd look like revolutionaries. Yes, if they were carrying rocks they would look like the stereotypical dictionary definition of revolutionaries. Instead the hipsters, like all countercultures, are cultures leading the revolution that is echoed in all of western society- the revolution of apathy and irony. As George W. Bush stands to not be impeached, people watch their gas prices and unemployment rate rising without a fuss, and a new endless war - what else is their to do? The hippies failed in the 60's. The free love movement created AIDS, drug abuse, and didn't stand a chance at getting the U.S. to pull out of Viet Nam or even end the draft. The Civil Rights movement is only the respectable change that occurred, particularly from a youthful counterculture , but where was the rising of disenfranchised african-americans after Katrina? Where is the rise of the unemployed fighting against the corporations that disenfranchised them? Where is the rise of the Mexican-Americans fighting to end the immigration debate? Where are all members of the country that should be rising up against the destruction of their environment and the death of their planet?

In a world based around fear and endless doom, a culture paying for its crime of a history full of quick-fixes, hipsterdom is adopting the best weapon it has- its sense of irony. So Haddow, chill the fuck out- culture's gotta end some time. If someone wants a revolution maybe you shouldn't be like everyone else and wait for someone else to do it. Adbusters sure does bring up 'revolution' a lot for a magazine that is ultimately just preaching to the choir........for 8.95 an issue.

Monday, September 15, 2008

Thursday, September 4, 2008

RNC 08: The Sexiest Convention Ever!

Of course, the drive-by, liberal, jew-run, main-stream baby-killing media isn't going to tell you that.

Look at this Alaskan Pimp- just chillin' at the RNC in between a sister-sandwich. (You know the media would cream themselves for 2 underage pregnant Palin daughters. - I think I just did.)

Look at that MILF (or RILF or VPILF etc). I seriously get lost in her eyes and almost forget that she's a total bitch. I'm sure your vag is all healed up, so lets go make Palin 6 and kill endangered polar bears

And lets not forget about that other MILF.
(yeah, you see what I did there)

I didn't see it but I assume at this point Mccain is saying "Seriously look at this fuckin MILF. I mean I know I'm old but when I think about this ticket I don't know whether to vote for it or fuck it......And about that whole Hockey Mom -Pitbull thing, Yeah - A Pitbull with lipstick I'd like to fuck! U-S-A! U-S-A!"

When someone makes an Viagra/grandpa sex joke It would help if you thought of this. Hell, you should just be thinking of this image randomly throughout the day anyway just because.....Will Obama stick his thumb up your ass? I didn't think so. (google: Larry Sinclair)

And if you're gonna have a sexy party you gotta keep out the gays (they just don't know when to stop)...and how do you do that? By fuckin up the YMCA cheer. ---and badly. The letter O isn't even in "Young Men's Christian Association" ...ok it is. But not 3 fuckin times!

Last but not least, where were the democrats at during this sexy party? Scarying small animals and making babys cry by being loud noisy bitches. Thank god that man was there to tell them "Sorry ladies, lets get you back to the kitchen so you can help Hillary finish that Turkey/Bear/Elk feast we're gonna have after this shindig.....Oh, and don't forget to sweep up all the pieces from that broken glass ceiling, I wouldn't want you to cut your barefeet"

BACK TO COOL!!! come on kids I'm trying.

So it's Back to School time again. Summer is over. This is actually the first time since I was 3 that I didn't have to go and continue on in some sort of Public learning facility (i'm not sure why public is capitalized, either). There is no significant event that in my life that gives closure to the summer or 08 (well, there's my Birthday on August 31). So I guess this means Summer just keeps going on - for the rest of my life.

This is my impression of every kid going back to school this week:

"Dude, classes r soo e-z, bro- like one was just like fuckin' medical forms (hw for moms and dad!! LOL!1!!1!!!) But fuckin sucks I got Dr. Nyquil for Bio labz.
Dude, wuld put a corpse to sleep, SRSLY!! and OMG! this one kid was all like "is this gonna be on the exam?" when like the teacher was passin out the syllabuses - or
syllabi - I don't know what one it is. I haven't taken ENG 201 yet and I think that's like the first thing they teach you.
But the prof was all like 'that is totally not lolz' and was like 'get out' and the kid was all like 'fuck you' and the prof was like 'no, fuck you' and I was all like 'dude, just shut the fuck up. Its the first day they just hand out the syllabus and let you out early prof is just gonna letz you out early and hopefully make back before I f'ck in miss "True Life: I'm a depressed alcoholic teen who looks fat in tight t-shirts" which I've missed like 4 fuckin times already'
so finally dude shutted the fuck up"
Dude like new facebook fuckin sucks on my ballzzsac with its 75 character status posts!!!!"

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

The Darkest F'n Knight EVER!!!!!!

So the dark summer blockbuster is clearly going to be The Dark Knight. The hype around this movie is getting intense. Of course in New York there are advertisements everywhere, and oddly enough they decided to keep their ad campaign centered on Heath Ledger's role as the Joker. I had heard that his role is based upon studying Alex DeLarge of "A Clockwork Orange", so naturally as a film nerd I am excited.

But how does a film like this deliver? Its simple and the answer is staring them right in the face. The elephant in the room about this film is that Heath Ledger isn't with us anymore....He's out in L.A somewhere. But kidding aside, he's dead.
So .....The Joker must die.


Obviously everyone knows that there can be no sequel starring the Joker so the opportunity is staring them in the face. With all of the current flood of Superhero movies how does one compete? Kill off the villain.
It never happens but everyone always wants to see the good guy actually kill the bad, not just leave him for dead. This situation provides the perfect opportunity. While many, and of course the film critics would be the first, would consider this move to be in horribly bad taste.
Fuck 'em. When the ending comes and Batman stabs the Joker and leaves him laying on the ground for a long zoom out shot not one person in the theater will be able to claim they actually believed that was coming.

What's Heath Ledger gonna do- sue us?

He's a good actor and he'll appreciate that he will be remembered in one of the most controversial and shocking endings in modern film. People are excited for The Dark Knight and they wanna be left with something that will be remembered - and if Heath Ledger as The Joker was killed by Batman- people will remember it. So hurry and someone call up Christopher Nolan and tell him to call back all the copies in theaters before this things hits the screen...tomorrow.

P.S. These Pineapple Express posters are sweet




Saturday, July 12, 2008

The Future is ours.