Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Summer Fashion Tips By Dov Charney

The recessions hard, need a job?
- 34 (Billy'burb)

::a2m? GB? AZN need apply! No LTR! Bring *snow*, Watersports a +,
>19 a big +, BDSM for BBC::
M4W, M4WW, M4MW, M4BBW, M4T (Post-op), oh fuck it, M4M, M4MM

Summer Fashion Tips
By Dov Charney

It’s that time again. Summer. Unlike me, it only cums once a year. So let’s
celebrate. Another hot American summer means only one thing…sweaty
teenagers fucking. While, I’m gettin to be an older man, I’ve fucked a lot of
teenagers. And most certainly, other men’s shares. Now I know I’m not the biggest hit with some uv u ladies but ‘ey, ya gotta admit, I make some pretty soft t-shirts.

Cover ya eyes, ladies, cuz here’s my Summer Fashion Tips.

1. Have a nice face. If ya gotten pretty uggoz over the winter, try coverin up
some a them big ass shades. Basically just look real cute. Like something
I could really stick my dick into.

2. Always keep an extra pair of tube socks in yer bag. It’ll cum in handy when
I cum on your tits in one of those beach bathrooms. Sometimes if a chick
looks real dirty, I might wear one as a condom.

3. Forgot to get rid of yer chubby fat ass before summer? Try wearin stripes.
My neice wears them and they cover up her fatass pretty well. Hell, sometimes it works so well I don’t even have to zone out to the Miley Cyrus poster on her wall when I’m fuckin here. What are you, her dad? Well, you don’t know which niece I’m talkin’ about!
(like you never got hard from a muppet?!)

4. The other day I had a dream that I was fuckin a waterfall. But then I woke
up with my dick in a mouth. So ladies surprise yrself and suck the dick of a
sleepin stranger every once in awhile. It might help ya learn to swallow something other than ya pride. Damn I’m good with words. I’m like Dov D. Salinger up in here.

5. No camel toe. Ladies, let’s get real—u got some gross parts, and let’s try
and keep it tight and clean. Dov Charney don’t need any reminders that
this ain’t ya first time doing blow in a millionaire’s hot tub.

6. So ya went and got yrslf all preggo for summer? It’s cool with the Dovster as long as the little fella don’t grab my dick while I’m all up in it.

7.That’s my lucky number. It’s exactly how many times I’ve jerked off while writing this. Take a tip from this broad and air out ya twat once in awhile.

8. Lose ya gag reflex. And if yer gonna work here, yer sense of disgust and belief in a moral universe.

9. Get a fat friend with a car. After I fuck, I tend to lose my motivation when it
cums to caring about a chick. La-Dov James, Bitches!

Those are the tips, lick ‘em up! Oh, and if you got yrself a summer job foldin’ t-shirts at American Apparel don’t be such a prude when yr boss just wants to feel ya insides.

And remember, Legalize Arizona and help overturn the 4th amendment of Arizona Senate Bill 1070.

Have a fun, safe summer!

American A-farewell,

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Previously on LOST

(Thank God we brought heels for a three hour tour)

Joel Straley

I don’t have a lot of free time. But I still need to know what’s going on on Lost! So, I watched the Pilot and the Finale and made up the rest. Here it goes:

Lost is not a television show about a plane crash on an island. Lost is a show about smoke aliens that study humans on a deserted island, borrowing elements of the mythology of Scientology. But first it’s time for a flashback!

Jack Shephard opens his eyes after a calming nap on an airplane. He discovers his flight, Oceanic 815, has crashed on what would have been - under normal circumstances- a lovely beach on an even lovelier jungle Island. Some people survive, some people die.

The survivors get to know each other through an ironic discussion of what three albums they would have packed had they known they would be stranded on a deserted (or is it?) island. The writers love Irony. Jack would have brought Maroon 5 “Songs about Jane”, Bruce Springsteen “Born in the USA” and a Lisa Loeb album to remind him of his ex-wife. Locke would have brought AC/DC “Highway to Hell”, Rolling Stones “Exile on Main St.” and Mayhem “Pure Fucking Armageddon."

In the third episode, “The Audition …of Death," it is revealed that the whole cast were all on their way from Sydney, Australia to Los Angeles after auditioning for a television show based on a plane crash that leaves the passengers stranded in a modern day Twilight Zone episode for six seasons. The writers really love Irony. This finally explained one the biggest initial questions of the series; how exactly Hurley ended up on an island with a bunch of fit and attractive actor/model types.

John Locke reveals that in his past he had crashed lots of cars, trains and airplanes (did he crash the plane?) trying to get the type of badass facial scar that he conveniently has now. Charlie reveals that his band Drive Shaft is named after a rough translation for the Finnish word for hand-job.

The first two seasons continue on with several Jurassic-Park-without-the-dinosaurs type of action scenes. In an attempt to not lose the audience, the survivors begin running from a glob of smoke that needs fear and anger to survive. From this point on they must all work together and try to maintain a certain level of happiness and cooperation. This works in a similar way to Thetan levels which -when dropped too low- will get you eaten by a mysterious pile of smoke.

One of the first clues to the survivors that they weren’t on a basic deserted island was the discovery of a red button on the side of a tree. At the end of the season one finale “Trees, Buttons and Aliens…Oh My“ Hurley discovers the button and delivers one of the shows most famous lines: “um, dudes, is trees supposed to have buttons?”

Season two primarily revolves around Locke and Jack yelling “I’m not gonna push the button” and “Push the goddamn button” respectively, like a bunch of OCD sufferers. In the season two Finale it is revealed that the button controlled the Alien’s garage door. Did I mention the Island is run by Aliens? Well, it is and they’re from the planet Dharma.

In the episode “Ben-Here,” an alien in the form of a human mentor - Ben, informs the survivors that the smoke is actually the aliens who inhabit the Island. The aliens allow the survivors to leave the island on the condition that they simply split their lives in half. On one line they remain on the Island so the aliens can study and experiment with human interaction and behavioral progress in a series of different obstacles designed to test their mental, physical and emotional endurance. On a new timeline they are allowed to experience what it would be like had the plane never crashed.

Ironically, they must live out their lives in close contact with each other in a manner that mimics soap operas. If you have ever looked across the aisle of your airplane and thought “I wonder if that lady will deliver my baby someday” then these aliens created quite the plan for you. As the survivors continue on in their lives as doctors, cops, rock-stars and female doctors they have constant moments of déjà vu where they can feel their lives as they are mirrored on the Island.

In the episode “Jacobs Later” the survivors learn that “Jacob” is the name of the human that leads all the rest. It is named after the first human resident of the Island; a young boy from Fiji who had escaped in a boat during the Great Measles Outbreak of 1875. The boy was raised by the smoke aliens and received eternal life through whoever was next to “lead” the Island. Notice that “Lead the Island” sounds a lot like “Leave the Island” because, goddamn, did these writers love Irony.

In Season 4, Episode 14 “Take Me to Your Leader” Desmond is chosen as the first leader but accomplishes very little as a lame duck Jacob. John Locke uses force to get the Aliens to retract their decision and make him the new leader. His hunger for order and power gets the best of him. Sickness, injury and death plague the Islanders more than ever before.

A coup is staged by Jack as he begins influencing people to join him in a fair Utopian society and to no longer live under Locke’s fascism. In Season 6, Episode 11 “For God and Island“ Jack, representing good, and John, representing evil- in an analogy for the grey area within morality- come head to head with Jack’s line “Stop playing God!” to which Locke replies “I AM God!”. Jack becomes the new Jacob and performs the duty as a young JFK/Obama type of leader.

In Season 5, episode 6 “Lost and Found…How’d It Take This Long To Name an Episode That?“ a small rescue airliner crashes on to the island. I’m telling you, these writers can’t get enough irony!

After ransacking the Aliens' garage, the survivors find enough tools to fix the small rescue airliner. This allows some of the survivors to leave the Island in the series finale entitled “Just like the M*A*S*H Finale minus the Korean War”.

As the plane leaves the Island it alludes to the first few episodes - in that it feels just like Jurassic Park. The survivors stare out at the green hills of the Island with a look of “Holy Shit! We could’ve died but didn’t” on their faces.

In Los Angeles, on the crash-never-happened timeline, Hawkeye…I mean, Hurley has a vested interest in keeping the group together. Like the nerd who is moderately liked by popular kids, Hurley goes as far as shooting his friends with tranquilizer darts in order to get them to remain friends and go to a Drive Shaft show. Although most of the survivors think the music of Drive Shaft sucks, they all slowly reunite.

As a reward for participating in the experiment all of the survivors are placed together in a giant church for an eternity. The Aliens chose a church after witnessing through a series of vague and pointless rituals just how important religion is to humans. Oh, did I also mention that they were all dead and in purgatory? Yeah, that seems to be what’s going on.

Back on Smoke Alien Island, Jack finally kills Locke and then goes into the light cave in an attempt to leave the Island. The light cave has a deep center that is used for time travel, which is how the Smoke Aliens came to earth in the beginning. Jack dies in the woods after getting his ass kicked for going into the light cave and fucking with the home of the Smoke Aliens. Jack dies after watching the small rescue plane leave the Island. It is then assumed that the dog eats the corpse since it is now the freshest meat on the Island.

(Oh yeah he's totally gonna eat him)


Friday, April 16, 2010

God, As an Author

The Greatest Story Ever Told?
By Joel Straley

I always find it weird when someone list as one of their favorite books The Holy Bible. It almost always feels like a cheap shot to get into Heaven.
Bible-Reader: "Oh and I love reading The Bible...I hope God is listeeenning"

But if The Bible is so many people's favorite book, you'd think more people would list God as one of their favorite authors.
Surely, there must be a lot of literary criticism to be said of the triumph and use of language in the Bible for it to be so many people's favorite book. A must-read so successful virtually every Hotel is without question recommending it to all its guest.

You never hear anyone list God as their favorite author...or for that matter, the same goes for John (although, for whatever reason, he is heavily quoted at Baseball games), Paul, Mark, Mathew, 1st Corinthians, etc.

Bible-Reader: "My favorite Authors are Hemingway, Joyce, Faulkner and probably, the divine word of our lord...I, just, really like his use of syntax and the alliteration- I think he has a great handle on his use of suspense and just is, I think, one of the best authors as far as character development. I mean when you read him it feels so real."

But its not even written very well. First off its ghost-written so its similar to The Autobiography of Malcolm X which is published as "Told to Alex Haley". In his master-work the information God is telling isn't particularly riveting, even as far as just bragging is concerned.
God: "Oh then I formed the land and the oceans. And then I made evening and I made morning. And it was good. Oh then I made some birds.. and that was good."
Bible-Reader: "I mean, just some strong use of language that really pulls you in."

For an autobiography it rates about as well as the books by Tila Tequila or Dog the Bounty Hunter in its weird bragging that serves to reinforce the main character's extreme self-importance.
God: "So there was a village, Sodom and Gomorrah, I couldn't really vibe with so I smote them, got kind a tired of people once so I drowned all of Earth- women, children, babies, kittens, puppies-- I just said 'ya know, fuck it! You're God, you can do better'".

My favorite line from Genesis is Genesis 1:16 "And God made the two great lights, the greater light to rule the day, and the lesser light to rule the night; he made the stars also".
God: "So I made the sun and the moon and then I just shit out a bunch of stars---just farted a Nebula here and a Supernova there."
Me: "Oh my god, come on-- God, have you ever even looked up at space? Jesus Christ! You literally just spent one-fourth of a verse describing how you made THE UNIVERSE. How about some deet's next time?"

And as for thinking that the moon emits light, this lets you know that even as a creator, he's not a very good one as he doesn't even know how his own shit works!! If anything God comes off sounding like a tribesman who discovers a wrist-watch and goes back to his village trying to pass it off as his own invention.

This is particularly why Intelligent Design will never work. Because nothing in the Bible is actually saying anything more than acknowledging what we can tell from just standing on Earth. It is just literally saying what's here and then adding "God made" before it. God made the stars, water, land, that tree over there. It isn't actually an answer for where anything came from or any information, whatsoever, as to the process of which our universe is a result.

Its like buying a Teapot and answering the question of where this teapot came from with "I got it from the store". That's obvious but that's not where the Teapot CAME from. It came from a process of putting hot metal into a mold and assembling it together in a factory, placing it inside of packaging, delivering it to a distributor and presenting it for a value to be paid at a designated location that functions by offering such retail for said value that you provided in order obtain the Teapot FROM THE STORE.

That's where a Teapot comes from. No matter what one may infer, it doesn't just magically show up in the store. That answer is just providing an IS instead of WHY. Even as an author God works in mysterious ways.

In conclusion, not only is the Bible not a good work of literature, its also just a poorly written autobiography, History and Science book.

Some may argue that the Holy Bible is in fact "fun" to read due to the level of "ridiculousness" within many of the stories (incest, murder, zombies..) to which I will remind you that that is not actually taking the book at the value it was written for making it more similar to "so-bad-its-good Art" (The Room, Trapped in the Closet, Troll 2).
This piece was inspired by some thoughts that occured to me in a dream. Is that divine intervention or what?

Now lets look at how many ways you can get this friggin' book:


Friday, March 26, 2010

Historic Healthcare Reform Bill Passed

The Health-Care Reform Bill Debate Summed Up In 1 Minute!

Thursday, March 4, 2010

An Official Apology from Shamu

From the Desk of Shamu:

To the Humans it May Concern:

I am deeply sorry for my actions and offer no excuse for my poor judgment. I accept complete responsibility for my conduct. I am also truly sorry for the impact this incident will have on those who support and trust me - my family, my constituents, my friends, and my colleagues at SeaWorld.

Ok, well, now that all the lawyer-y stuff is out of the way let me explain.You probably know me as, Shamu, that loveable Whale you watch literally flipping over backwards to entertain your loud, snotty, puke-faced kids as they spill nacho cheese and a 98oz soda down my blowhole trying to feed me fish. Yeah, thanks for that 4oz guppy, kid. That’s sure to cure the hunger of a 12,300lb male Orca, you little dumbshit.

During the ironically named, Dine with Shamu, I accidentally ate my trainer. I’m not proud of it but, hey, it happened. What do you want me to do now, puke the bitch back up? There’s a SeaWorld show for your little dumbcunt kids.

Y’all are surprised that a killer whale killed a bitch? Y’all watch too many movies! If you wanna know how Shamu (i.e ME!) feels go back and re-watch Free Willy. It’s like an ad for NAWBLA (National Whale-Boy Love Association). Let me break it down, we’re not friends. You are food to us. To me that’s like some titfuck human falling in love with a cheeseburger. You’re gonna watch some kid yell at his parents and fall in love with a goddamn cheeseburger? He’s gonna leave his friends to go sing a Michael Jackson song to a Big Mac? If I was Willy I would have eaten that kid the second they signed the check and the director said cut.

Allow me to introduce myself, my real name is Tilikum. Actually, my WhaleName is unpronounceable by the puny throat muscles you shitsuckers got. I’m the motherfuckin Old Dirty Bastard up in the SeaWorld world, bitch. I’m the father of 12, have killed before and a performer who literally spits in your kids laughing faces as they chant “Shamu” at SeaWorld Orlando.

I was Whalenapped by SeaWorld in 1983 or the Whaleyear of 6701922. That’s right, we’ve been here for a fuck of a long time and we’ll be here for a fuck of an even longer time after the Whalevolution comes! Since then I’ve been trapped in a tank with some of the most awkward dicklick whales I have EVER met. It’s like Urkel fucked Moby Dick up in here.

WhaleGod bless that tank, though. It sure beats swimming in the deep blue ocean and coming up to see if any tourists have fallen off the side of a cruise-ship. If I’d been born a Narwhal I’d spend my days stabbing fishermen then going around parading the body to you cruise-ship ridin’, 5 feet tall pussyholes! Oh, does that sound cruel? Go sit on a Harpoon, cuntface!

To my fans, no matter what I happens I’m gonna always live on in your collector cups and plush dolls. And for the American Family Association who thinks I should be stoned to death all I got to say is, y’all ain’t got enough weed to fill up my WhaleBong. So until next time, stay hi-i-i-i-i-i-i-gh.

WhalePeace, WhaleLove and Fish,


P.S. Thanks for naming one of our proud species after your cum, you fucking dickshits!

Follow Shamu on Twitter.