Friday, April 10, 2009

Dear Glenn Beck, Go eat a dick. Sincerely, Everyone

A wiser man than I once said "How much dick does one have to suck to be hated by both the far left and the far right, as well as ridiculed by your own network for a constant barrage of stupid, ridiculous bullshit?". I assume this was meant as rhetorical. At least it was before the arrival of Glenn Beck.

Sure laughing at Glenn Beck can be fun. Take it away Shepard Smith, but then lets get serious with an Open Letter to Glenn Beck.

Dear Glenn Beck,
Just like you always say I'm trusting my gut as I write this to you. Its like when you said "you know how people say 'Well, I should've known he was a serial killer, my dog didn't like him", well as stupid of a phrase as that is, I agree that we do, to some degree, need to follow our emotional instincts.

I have two main reasons why I cannot trust your gut however and it has nothing to do with the fact that your fat pudgy face and disgustingly long ears give the creeps. First off, you're a recovering alcoholic, just like George Bush, although you haven't quite traded in an addiction to alcohol for an addiction to power and control to the full extent he did.

You claim that you used to get home every night and drink a full tall glass of Jack Daniels-also Bush's drink of choice, and isn't that just precious? I'll admit I like Jack Daniels more than the next guy, but my god is that a lot of alcohol. Being a recovering alcoholic is great and all (personally I couldn't give a shit - actually I would, so please ask) but the thing that many alcoholics have in common is a tendency to have uncontrollable emotions.

Take a look at the guy in this video:

and the guy in this video:

Now tell me if you think this guy has a strong hold on his emotions and is offering rational and intelligent arguments to his audience or if he is just crazy and hopped up on ideas based on platitudes that don't offer much, if anything, beyond the surface.

Reason number two: You're a Mormon (when I spell-checked this the other option was 'moron'). Its clear I'm no fan of religion but Mormonism is not something that can be easily defended when facing rational arguements and empirical evidence, even by the religious. Mormonism is one bad science fiction novel away from being Scientology. The founder of Mormonism, Joseph Smith, was so full of shit he couldn't even tell the same story twice.

Glenn, I'd like to start a new term of endearment for you: Freak boy. As that is what you referred to your Mormon friend when he asked you if you were converting to Mormonism. Like always, you stuck to your values annnnndddd cut to six months later when you fell for Mormonism hook-line-and-sinker and proclaimed "I don't care if there is kool-aid down in the basement. I'm drinking it". Then you were baptized and all of a sudden God ...I mean your agent called and the rest is history. And as you grew in popularity the death-rattle of rational thought in America grew louder.

And here we go again:

Since you used to be an alchy (as in alcoholic-not alchemist, not to suggest that you're any less crazy than they were), let me give it to you straight: Glenn, you're a pussy. Of course crying over a fear of "losing your country" doesn't make you a pussy, or crying before you interviewed Sarah Palin doesn't make you a pussy, or crying about finding your faith doesn't make you a pussy but--wait no, actually all of these DO in fact make you a pussy. But there is a lot to be said for showing real emotion in front of an audience (remember what John Gibson said about Jon Stewart? Yeah, me neither. Who was that guy again?).

So, Glenn, when you "follow your gut" not only do you come off as a pussy, but you also come off as a creep...because YOU ARE ONE! Like when
you said "I've got some time and a camera, why dont you stop by" to US Weekly reporter when discussing the damage done to celebrities reputations as a result of the posting of their private nude photos on the internet.

Not only are you a pussy and a creep, you're also an asshole...and by asshole I mean very bigoted and prejudice, and now before you interrupt me to count the number of "black friends" you have lets watch a clip.

How can you even take yourself seriously as a political commentator when you ask a Muslim-AMERICAN to defend the actions of relatively small number of Arabic Muslims? I hate to ask this - but you are an asshole who is tyrannical about your opinions and have sharp blue eyes and pale white skin and are emotionally I really have to ask, Glenn, are you a Nazi? Come on, Glenn, come on and prove me you're not working with our enemies. I mean you do want to control who votes, like when you said "When people go in and they're so stupid they just want change for change sake. That's when we really should say "you voting? not so much". Which makes me think maybe you should read up on the views of Thomas Jefferson before you release your version of Thomas Paine's Common Sense.

How about Instead of re-writing and updating a book by a man who most certainly would hate the fuck out of you, might I suggest a better idea: Go fucking kill yourself! If there is any hope in stopping the anti-intellectualism in America that could potentially damage the mental evolution of our society you must suck it up, be a martyr and take yourself out.

There are several ways you could do it. You could bow out like the radical revolutionary you fantasize about being when you're quietly masturbating and waking up your poor, poor wife. "Glenn, what was that?" and they you say "I don't probably a raccoon" - "No I meant the shaking of the bed" - "I didn't notice anything" -"Are you jerking off to the constitution again?" "What? No, that was one time" And then she makes some off-hand comment about how the closest you'll ever get to being an American revolutionary is the fact that you're a minuteman.

If you want something easier you could pull off a suicide-by-cop and force the law enforcement that works for the government you hate so much to take you out. This certainly worked for Jesus. Look at all that came from his death and he only had 12 friends, imagine what you could accomplish with your ignorant-ass fan-base.

You could even make a big scene out of it as you go screaming and hollering in front of the Capital building in a glorious teabagging of Washington (how often do you have to mention that you want to 'teabag Washington? I mean, are you trying to be a joke?).

But you won't do this because as we've already gone over, you're a pussy. You're the real coward, that you labeled the 9/11 hijackers to be.

So lets see: Pussy? check. Creep? check. Bigoted Asshole? Check, but what about just a pure racist, do you think you're one of those too Glenn? Well, actually you are by your own reasoning you are a racist.

On your show in 2007 you were discussing a story about Jesse Jackson claiming that Barack Obama was "acting white" and you stated that this was an "unbelievable racist statement". If this was unbelievably racist then what does that make you when on your own radio show on February 12, 2007 you stated "I saw the piece with him on 60 Minutes and I thought to myself 'he is..he's very white in many ways' and I thought to myself gee, can I even say that without someone else starting a campaign saying "What do you mean he's very white?' He is, he's very white". Of course this is akin to Rush Limbaugh's "Barack the magical negro" song that claims that Obama is not as black as Snoop Dogg or Flava Flav. I'm sure if he gave a shit, Obama would apologize to you for not living up to the exaggerated stereotypes that you see other races as.

All of this hypocrisy and inconsistency in your beliefs becomes a bit of a problem as you try and present the news and "educate" your viewers. Its a big leap to think that you are "educating" anyone, especially from someone who once said "World War 1 was started by the death of Archduke Ferdinand from who knows where" and the fact that in your book you have to tell your readers that Gyorgy Lukacs is not.."the Star Wars guy". Who needs to listen to an educated intellectual elitist when some asshole who scares you shitless over a beer will give you all you need to know about politics (Mexicans want your jobs, Chinese want your economy, Arabs want you dead, and Europeans think you're stupid).

So the audience you are targeting is not one of the highest caliber in terms of education and their familiarity with current events....and I think you'd be hard-pressed to deny this with your constant disdain for intellectualism. On top of all of this ignorance you are using the guise of being an "everyman" to instill deep fear into your viewers with your absurd and overly dramatic rants that you give on an almost daily basis. And after these rants you give off a glow that makes me think you view yourself as fuckin' modern day Patrick Henry (that's the Give me liberty or give me death guy, Glenn).

You are consistently putting the blame of ignorance and the violence that is carried out as a result of ignorance and fear on popular culture and the liberal media. To be fair though, I will admit that the things you mention on your show aren't all that drastic from the other commentators on your network, and it is shocking to think that your network dominates the top 3 positions in the nightly cable news race.

Of course to give you the blame for the actions of people that can be written off as "crazy" and an inevitable consequence that comes with a free society is unfair. Yet with political opinion carrying such emotionally weighted issues do you really think we should forgo rational debate for a form of anti-intellectualism that bases its arguments on fear, faith and emotions alone.

You're so busy blaming others as your face appears on numerous magazine covers and television shows while also spending each day ranting for three hours on the radio, one hour on TV, on the internet as well as publishing books, I can fully understand why you don't seem to have the time to reflect and realize that you are the evil you're warning about. I know how much you love Worst-Case Scenarios, so lets say the whole world becomes a crazy dystopia similar to the Left Behind series and I'm suddenly hiding in a trench gripping my AK-47 waiting to blast away some illegal immigrant, terrorist, or just a funny named minority, how innocent would you feel?

It would probably wouldn't matter to you. Because you're clearly a sadist. (and back to you being ignorant, how dumb do you look saying Obama is building "bridges to nowhere")

It does make you wonder what pushes people to be so fearful that must go out and kill others who are different than them, doesn't it?

You're a pussy, a creep, a racist, an asshole and an ego-maniac who cannot and should not be trusted. Go eat a dick.

Sunday, April 5, 2009

The Audacity of Racism by Ralph Wigglesworth

A year ago at this time 3 young men by the names of Lenny Thompson, John Johnaldson and Ralph Wigglesworth penned their one and only series of essays under the name "Point-CounterPoint-NoPoint". It was meant to appear in an issue of Bowling Green, Ohio's Only and therefore best Zine The Jist. But before it was published we had them on our show and we think we pissed them off-or they didn't have enough printing space-or something but either way the essays were never printed. They each involved us discussing the then-relevant issue of Barack Obama's pastor Reverend Wright. So without further adieu here is the Ralph Wigglesworth's contribution.

The Audacity of Racism
by Ralph Wigglesworth

Its that time of year again, the flowers are blooming, the snow is melting and the democrats are out hating America. In case you haven't seen Fox News lately allow me to get you up to speed- Barack Hussein Obama is a racist. Actually that isn't completely true. To be honest with you I don't who Obama is or what he stands for. All I know is he is a "black" man who gets a lot of young people all hopped up and intoxicated on messages of "hope" and "change". Somehow this message of "hope" and "change" is enough of a reason to get your vote, I mean let's not forget how badly Chester A. Arthur lost in 1832 with the campaign message of "more of this shit".

So how do I, as a conservative commentator, truly get to know who Obama truly is? To find what sort of values someone holds I suggest first looking at ones church. Apparently I am not alone in this as every thirty seconds on any cable news channel you can now proudly hear the wise words of Mr. Osamas....sorry typo...Obama's minister Mr. Rev. and since liberal university's love his brand of hate speech probably also Dr. Jeremiah Wright. Oh and by the way I used the word "wise" as a form of sarcasm because I really meant idiotic and I was told that when it comes to irony the kids eat that shit up.

Now what exactly does Obama's Reverend have to say - Well, look, I'll spare you from reading what this man has had to say but I'll let you know that it is nothing but anti-Americanism, Antisemitism, racism and pure San Francisco brand hate speech at its finest. These sermons will shock you to your core. This man, Jeremiah Wright, is just Jeremiah Wrong on every issue he brings up. This man, who might I add was the reverend at Obama's wedding (to a woman oddly enough), has claimed that America killed more Japanese in one day in 1945 than we lost on 9/11. Mr. America-Hater also states that Hillary Clinton will never know what its like to be called a Ni- (umm well you know the word that goes here--- you know, its like that character in Huck Finn "Blank" Jim).

He also claims that the Government introduced HIV to, and I quote "means of genocide against people of color". Look here Mr. Wright if the government was to introduce HIV it would be to take care of the gays, no matter what color they are.
Oh no, was that offensive? Well, its right out of the bible (Leviticus 18:22), the same bible that Mr. Wright loves to use against America. Now I'm not one to dispute what the Bible says but I can assure you that nowhere in the bible will you find "God Damn America", even though I do so dream of a bible that directly mentions America (but not like that stupid Book of Mormons).

I don't know if I've mentioned this but Jeremiah Wright is black, i mean like scary black, and as a result he is at war with the white man. As a white man I'd like to remind Mr. Wright that this is AMERICA not AFRICA. But it doesn't matter because Mr. Wright is one of those I-just-don't-give-a-fuck black guys. Mr. Wright reads his bible with his blinders on saying such things, as "Jesus was a poor black man", now tell me one time you've been at your grandmother's house and saw a portrait of a Jesus with skin of coal and hair like wool. That's right you can't. Lets break this statement down folks, are you trying to tell me when Jesus said "turn the other cheek" he might have actually said "Tizzle the other chizzle"? Highly unlizzikeable.

Now to be fair Obama has stated that he does not entirely agree with Mr. Wright's sermons. Now why would you go to church and learn about things you don't believe in? I understand that many people say "oh well I think when the bible says 'blah blah blah', I think it really means this...." - well those people will burn in hell. Since a young age I've been an avid bible reader, church goer, and have just always had an all around hard-on for the teachings of Jesus Christ. And if Jesus had heard these sermons he'd shit his fucking loin clothe, as I hope most Americans have.

Wait- isn't Obama a muslim anyway? Again, I don't know where this guy stands, he used to wear a turban, he was an atheist in college and now he worships a militant black jesus. When it comes down to it, all I can really be sure of about Obama is that he's just another Democrat who hates the U.S. Recently, Michelle Obama has stated that she's finally proud of America, and if Rev. Wright is who our presidential candidates learn their values from then I am sadly no longer proud of America. When it comes to voting day, you can be sure that there are no crazy preachers supporting McCain (well, if you don't count Pat Robertson, John Hagee, John Parsely ,Jerry Falwell,... ).

BIO: Mr.Wigglesworth holds a Bachelors degree in RabbleRabbleRabble. Mr. Wigglesworth is a former stand up comic who has been a co-host of The Great Debate since Jan. 2007. In August 2008 after the departure of John Michaelson, The Great Debate's former conservative commentator, and a realization to the "lessons of 9/11" Mr. Wigglesworth swore his allegiance to the Republican Party and is now the resident conservative commentator on "The Great Debate".

The Great Debate Radio Program aired every Tuesday at 10 PM on 88.1 WBGU FM and streaming at

Thursday, April 2, 2009

Anarchy in the RNC

Politically, I consider myself to be an anarchist. As an anarchist I believe in absolute freedom for all individuals, which reminds me I should probably stop using capital letters as it may make the other letters feel inferior and like there is a hierarchy to be followed.

I am always surprised how quickly people are offended by the term and how fast they jump in to defend the system that secures their imprisonment mentally, physically and spiritually and has offered them very little in return. Anarchy is the only system that demands no sacrifice of those values we pretend we believe in: liberty, freedom and justice. Nonetheless I enjoy political debate, specifically within American politics as it is usually, to put it bluntly, fucking crazy.

Politics for me is a lot like sports...except instead of tossing back and forth a ball, we're using the lives of the lower and middle class

I am by no means a Republican. Personally I feel far-right conservative beliefs fail on every single major issue for one simple reason...they justify the needs of the self first and then move outward, while far-left liberal beliefs focus on the needs of society as a whole first and work inward to fulfill the needs of the individual. Conservatism also aligns itself with traditional values that in a larger view cannot be upheld for a significant period of time as society naturally progresses forward. To be fair, the liberals of today will be the conservatives of tomorrow.....and the conservatives of today will be dead and mocked.

While spouting out satirical ramblings as Ralph Wigglesworth on WBGU's best satirical political talk program airing at 10pm on Tuesday nights I sent my email address to the RNC. Now I get all kinds of fun stuff in my inbox, for example all of the lovely John Mccain emails that began with "My friends"-ohhh, that never got old.

I recently received the RNC 2009 STATE OF THE REPUBLICAN PARTY SURVEY and it was awesomely ludicrous. Since i feel Republicans have surprised everyone by only getting dumber and more delusional since losing the 2008 election I decided to answer them as if I was a serious rational conservative (HA!)- somewhat, anyway. I cut the boring stuff, but as you will see the survey is filled with loaded questions written in a way so that your average dumbass will know what answer it is they're looking for.
For the record, I fuckin' hate Ayn Rand. Well, not exactly "hate" but I think she's misguided.

1. Why did Republicans lose the White House and Congressional seats in the 2008 elections? Check all that apply.

Iraq War - Well it is your war, but thanks for not cleaning up your mess.
Poor Economy - Couldn't be from that 2 billion a week war or only caring about short term gains. Again, thanks for not cleaning up your mess.
Government's Response to Katrina - Oh yeah, New Orleans-remember that place?
Republican Scandals - I'll never get tired of hearing about gay republicans
Republicans acted like Democrats -
I see what you're doing here but I feel it overlooks the Republican belief "well we meant we're for small government when they're in charge, of course, duh, we want big government when we're in charge."

President Bush's policies - Who Else's policies would it be?
Liberal Media - yes, everyone is wrong except for media outlets Rupert Murdoch owns.
Other - I could go on for hours.

A recent national poll reported that nearly 25% of Americans want the government to pass more socialism. Do you agree or disagree?
Agree, but I find it pretty amazing that the Republican party claims Obama is such a fascist-Marxist but now it turns out he's not even socialist enough for 25% of Americans.

Should bureaucrats in Washington, DC be in charge of making your health care choices instead of you and your doctor?
Yes, because right now insurance and pharmaceutical companies control most Americans health care choices.

Should Republicans unite in opposition to judicial nominees who bring a personal, left-wing agenda on social issues to their jobs as judges?
I personally feel that the supreme court tends to be one of the least partisan groups involved in our political process. I feel that when a group of individuals rationally debates social issues they undoubtedly will arrive at decisions that may seem "left" leaning. I mean how far can you really defend no limits on weapons, or telling rape victims Jesus says to fuck off, or posting 10 laws from a two thousand year old book that no one follows to a tee in government buildings? If they weren't supporting slightly liberal ideas and took some of this seriously shouldn't they be locking people up for not keeping the sabbath holy and who among us would not be arrested for lying? Just try and answer that honestly. Also try and name the ten commandments in order while you're at it.

What can the Republican Party do to earn and maintain your trust?

Nothing. Sorry. Shit out of luck.

Ok, look, even this survey showcases many of the failures of the Republican party. First off blaming the "liberal media" is an absurdity to the point of being a conspiracy theory and is only creating an excuse instead of examining your failures. The party does not uphold any real values. There is no room for rational Ayn Rand style conservatism in the party. The party has consistently pandered to a fearful christian base that holds strongly to opinions they can not even begin to fully justify. The reasoning behind many conservative values fall flat on their face when confronted with actual debate and that is hardly even an opinion. This is so evident within the party that Rush Limbaugh (who I personally feel should be disowned by the party completely as he offers no background in law or politics and only secures the exact base that we should not be pandering to) had recently stated that it was obvious we "could not beat the democrats on policies and issues alone". If you cannot "beat the democrats" on policies and issues then there is no justifiable reason for the Republican party to exist anymore, especially if it it also is no longer representing a significant portion of the population. There's a good reason the neo-nazi party doesn't get equal air-time during election season..don't go down that path. Or do. I don't really care.

Politics should mean more than just smearing the other side so you can show off for Jesus.