Friday, August 21, 2009

Hitler on Healthcare: An Open Letter to America by Adolf Hitler

America, you know nothing of my work!
By Adolf Hitler

This September it will have been 70 years since the start of World War 2 and I have to ask: is everyone done shitting on me yet? I understand that when I was in power me and the free-world didn't exactly see eye to eye on everything. However, I do not mean to make this editorial a defense of my beliefs and what I was working for(Viva Deutschland!).

America, I have witnessed my name and legacy screamed by your citizens all over the nightly-news programs as of late and I feel I should speak up to defend my name (and you know this must be serious considering you didn't hear a word from me back when you were busy hanging my buddy Eichmann in the 60s.) Honestly, I don't blame you for that one or the Nuremberg Trials.

If we'd had won the war we definitely would have made plans to rape your precious President Roosevelt and his entire cabinet in a packed stadium during a pay-per-view special while playing "Deutschland Uber Alles" from a trumpet jammed up his crippled asshole!!

I'm pissed at the use of my name and the misinformation of my deeds that has been appearing in the hyperbolic outrage coming from your Town Hall meetings on health care (Granted, I do wish I had thought of the phrase "HitlerCare"-under the Third Reich my people would have swallowed that program up whole if it had a catchy title like that).

So with the state of current events I can imagine what you're thinking; "Well, Mr. Hitler, what do you think of President Obama and his health reform plans?". First, thank you for not yelling and spitting at me. Now if I'm going to stand by my convictions, as I am known for doing, I think since he is a black man he should go hit the showers (Easy, Hitler, easy).

I am personally offended, America(yes, even the Fuhrer has feelings)that you would think your President could ever dream of being seen in the same light as a man such as myself. Sure, we both have charisma, I'll give you that. Oh Wow, you say Mr. Obama had an audience of 200,000 when he spoke at Berlin during his campaign? Well, sorry to burst the love-bubble you live in, Mr. O but you were 60 FUCKIN' YEARS TOO LATE!! I set the mold on that one. And I certainly didn't seen anyone giving you a personalized salute!!

The comparisons between Mr. Obama and myself are being raised daily in these Town Hall meetings across the United States. While I am flattered that it is finally my health care policies that are getting the attention but, I must stress that your President and I have little in common.

For one thing, I would never allow my political opponents and rival lobbyists to misguide and misinform members of the public and then have the media increase the focus on these members so they appear to represent the majority opinion of the country. I would have just had them arrested and shot.

Even Mr. Bush regularly arrested protesters and hindered dissent at his Town Hall gatherings, but as far as being a great dictator neither have gone far enough. You boys are way out of the league of this GerMAN (BAM! Hitler still brings the heat).

I guess the argument is that health care reform institutes more government regulations and therefore more government control. It is hard for a guy who was the leader of what you would call the National Socialists to not be a supporter of Big Government. A move towards Eugenics as television host Glenn Beck has suggested this reform is, I must admit I would be for.

Mr. Goebbels, the only man I ever loved (fuck off, Himmler), I assure you is rolling in his grave with envy over Mr. Beck's level of propaganda.

As far as providing adequate health care options for all of my nation's citizens, I'll be honest I didn't really much care for that. Hell, if you ask me keeping my citizens poor, filthy and disease-ridden rather ended up working in my favor. Like in the case of this Anne Frank I hear so much about, I imagine as she was dying from a Typhus epidemic she would have loved to have had a public option for government heath insurance. Its just too bad Jews weren't citizens no matter how adorable they were. But I digress, its like we used to say back in the day; All is well that ends well in Auschwitz.

Now even if Mr. Obama did realistically suggest having death panels, to believe for a second that the American government could ever dream of pulling off one as efficient as mine is completely laughable. Do you hear me? Laughable! I laugh right in your fucking face, America!!

What would you do with all these sickly bodies once you begin to terminate them? You'd have to build the camps first, install them with large enough incinerators, import all the fuel needed to heat the incinerators, hire government workers to run the incinerators, find trains to ship all these old people to the camps and ....let's just say it takes a lot of planning and work to start killing people the government feels aren't fit to live.

You can't just wake up one day with a wild hair up your ass and start killing off all the retarded babies, elderly and Stephen Hawkings wasting space and tax dollars in your country.

America, you are the real Inglorious Bastards! (look, all my speech-writers are dead, this is as clever as a 120 year-old ex-Dictator gets) If you could please stop using my name in such hyperbole all the time.

Bush is Hitler, Obama is Hitler, everyone is Hitler-we get it. Well, let me make it clear there is only one Hitler (me, HITLER!) and the more and more you drag out my name the less and less my legacy carries any real historical bearing...all too soon I shall be forgotten along with the reality of my regime. The vacancy of the remembrance of a man of such distinguished infamy only leaves room for the space to be filled again. So show some respect, because you wouldn't like me when I'm angry.

Too-da-loo from Argentina, and remember Mr. Obama, as we say in the Tyranny business: Fuck 'em, that's why!
-A. H.

P.S As I reminder that I was just a man and not an unrealistic hyperbolic symbol of tyranny to be misused by political rhetoric I have included a photo of myself at my cutest.

Adolf Hitler was the self-proclaimed Fuhrer and Chancellor of Nazi Germany from 1933 to 1945. He was Time's Man of the Year 1939 and regularly writes anonymous articles for The National Review.

P.P.S. This hasn't been the only shitting on I've been getting. Now I know Hollywood likes to use me as their go-to historical bad guy and dance on my grave but I'm still pissed that this weekend your theaters are going to be packed with Americans watching a revenge fantasy about brutally killing Nazi's. NEWSFLASH: You won the war. Why did it become back in fashion to shit all over Hitler so much? Don't you people have jobs!!

Personally, Tarantino's "Inglourious Basterds" seems to be a little extreme....and take it from someone who made a political career taking everything to the extreme (I used soap made of jews and had human-skin lampshades for Christs sake!). Without turning this into Hitler's Weekend Movie Wrap-up all I'll say is this is film is a Jewish fantasy gore-porn where my beloved Nazis are beaten and brutalized for 2 hours.

To be fair the jews have some good ideas lately. Well, one idea: the re-releasing of Mein Kampf . It was the feel-good book of the 30s (and considering the depression that's saying something). Seriously though, I'd recommend it even if I didn't write it. It is that fuckin' good.

I must admit I have not seen Mr. Tarantino's film as it is hard to get my name on the guest-list of film premiers these days but judging by the trailer it does seem to present an accurate portrayal of myself as I have been known to from time to time slam my fist on a desk yelling "Nein, Nein, Nein, Nein", but goddammit your try and take over the world by being surround by a bunch of incompetent brown-nosers (I called them Brown-shirts because of how far they had their heads jammed up my ass) who care nothing about Germany's bright future and are only concerned with not being the next one the room to catch a bullet behind the ear!!!...so I'll probably see it, but I won't like it!

3 comments:

Chris said...

Brilliant!

Richard L. Kent, Esq. (rkentesqva at yahoo.com) said...

"...and regularly writes anonymous articles for The National Review."

Fuck you too. For shame.

Anonymous said...

Funny thing, Hitler, along with his vegitarianism, tee-totalling and non-smoking, also didn't swear and couldn't stand people who did. Do your research next time before 'channelling' Der Fuehrer.

And, p.s., if you really want to channel someone who we should be comparing our current Dear Leader to, he's buried here: http://www.osaarchivum.org/galeria/05031953/sect09/pic16.html