Friday, April 10, 2009

Dear Glenn Beck, Go eat a dick. Sincerely, Everyone

A wiser man than I once said "How much dick does one have to suck to be hated by both the far left and the far right, as well as ridiculed by your own network for a constant barrage of stupid, ridiculous bullshit?". I assume this was meant as rhetorical. At least it was before the arrival of Glenn Beck.

Sure laughing at Glenn Beck can be fun. Take it away Shepard Smith, but then lets get serious with an Open Letter to Glenn Beck.

Dear Glenn Beck,
Just like you always say I'm trusting my gut as I write this to you. Its like when you said "you know how people say 'Well, I should've known he was a serial killer, my dog didn't like him", well as stupid of a phrase as that is, I agree that we do, to some degree, need to follow our emotional instincts.

I have two main reasons why I cannot trust your gut however and it has nothing to do with the fact that your fat pudgy face and disgustingly long ears give the creeps. First off, you're a recovering alcoholic, just like George Bush, although you haven't quite traded in an addiction to alcohol for an addiction to power and control to the full extent he did.

You claim that you used to get home every night and drink a full tall glass of Jack Daniels-also Bush's drink of choice, and isn't that just precious? I'll admit I like Jack Daniels more than the next guy, but my god is that a lot of alcohol. Being a recovering alcoholic is great and all (personally I couldn't give a shit - actually I would, so please ask) but the thing that many alcoholics have in common is a tendency to have uncontrollable emotions.

Take a look at the guy in this video:

and the guy in this video:

Now tell me if you think this guy has a strong hold on his emotions and is offering rational and intelligent arguments to his audience or if he is just crazy and hopped up on ideas based on platitudes that don't offer much, if anything, beyond the surface.

Reason number two: You're a Mormon (when I spell-checked this the other option was 'moron'). Its clear I'm no fan of religion but Mormonism is not something that can be easily defended when facing rational arguements and empirical evidence, even by the religious. Mormonism is one bad science fiction novel away from being Scientology. The founder of Mormonism, Joseph Smith, was so full of shit he couldn't even tell the same story twice.

Glenn, I'd like to start a new term of endearment for you: Freak boy. As that is what you referred to your Mormon friend when he asked you if you were converting to Mormonism. Like always, you stuck to your values annnnndddd cut to six months later when you fell for Mormonism hook-line-and-sinker and proclaimed "I don't care if there is kool-aid down in the basement. I'm drinking it". Then you were baptized and all of a sudden God ...I mean your agent called and the rest is history. And as you grew in popularity the death-rattle of rational thought in America grew louder.

And here we go again:

Since you used to be an alchy (as in alcoholic-not alchemist, not to suggest that you're any less crazy than they were), let me give it to you straight: Glenn, you're a pussy. Of course crying over a fear of "losing your country" doesn't make you a pussy, or crying before you interviewed Sarah Palin doesn't make you a pussy, or crying about finding your faith doesn't make you a pussy but--wait no, actually all of these DO in fact make you a pussy. But there is a lot to be said for showing real emotion in front of an audience (remember what John Gibson said about Jon Stewart? Yeah, me neither. Who was that guy again?).

So, Glenn, when you "follow your gut" not only do you come off as a pussy, but you also come off as a creep...because YOU ARE ONE! Like when
you said "I've got some time and a camera, why dont you stop by" to US Weekly reporter when discussing the damage done to celebrities reputations as a result of the posting of their private nude photos on the internet.

Not only are you a pussy and a creep, you're also an asshole...and by asshole I mean very bigoted and prejudice, and now before you interrupt me to count the number of "black friends" you have lets watch a clip.

How can you even take yourself seriously as a political commentator when you ask a Muslim-AMERICAN to defend the actions of relatively small number of Arabic Muslims? I hate to ask this - but you are an asshole who is tyrannical about your opinions and have sharp blue eyes and pale white skin and are emotionally I really have to ask, Glenn, are you a Nazi? Come on, Glenn, come on and prove me you're not working with our enemies. I mean you do want to control who votes, like when you said "When people go in and they're so stupid they just want change for change sake. That's when we really should say "you voting? not so much". Which makes me think maybe you should read up on the views of Thomas Jefferson before you release your version of Thomas Paine's Common Sense.

How about Instead of re-writing and updating a book by a man who most certainly would hate the fuck out of you, might I suggest a better idea: Go fucking kill yourself! If there is any hope in stopping the anti-intellectualism in America that could potentially damage the mental evolution of our society you must suck it up, be a martyr and take yourself out.

There are several ways you could do it. You could bow out like the radical revolutionary you fantasize about being when you're quietly masturbating and waking up your poor, poor wife. "Glenn, what was that?" and they you say "I don't probably a raccoon" - "No I meant the shaking of the bed" - "I didn't notice anything" -"Are you jerking off to the constitution again?" "What? No, that was one time" And then she makes some off-hand comment about how the closest you'll ever get to being an American revolutionary is the fact that you're a minuteman.

If you want something easier you could pull off a suicide-by-cop and force the law enforcement that works for the government you hate so much to take you out. This certainly worked for Jesus. Look at all that came from his death and he only had 12 friends, imagine what you could accomplish with your ignorant-ass fan-base.

You could even make a big scene out of it as you go screaming and hollering in front of the Capital building in a glorious teabagging of Washington (how often do you have to mention that you want to 'teabag Washington? I mean, are you trying to be a joke?).

But you won't do this because as we've already gone over, you're a pussy. You're the real coward, that you labeled the 9/11 hijackers to be.

So lets see: Pussy? check. Creep? check. Bigoted Asshole? Check, but what about just a pure racist, do you think you're one of those too Glenn? Well, actually you are by your own reasoning you are a racist.

On your show in 2007 you were discussing a story about Jesse Jackson claiming that Barack Obama was "acting white" and you stated that this was an "unbelievable racist statement". If this was unbelievably racist then what does that make you when on your own radio show on February 12, 2007 you stated "I saw the piece with him on 60 Minutes and I thought to myself 'he is..he's very white in many ways' and I thought to myself gee, can I even say that without someone else starting a campaign saying "What do you mean he's very white?' He is, he's very white". Of course this is akin to Rush Limbaugh's "Barack the magical negro" song that claims that Obama is not as black as Snoop Dogg or Flava Flav. I'm sure if he gave a shit, Obama would apologize to you for not living up to the exaggerated stereotypes that you see other races as.

All of this hypocrisy and inconsistency in your beliefs becomes a bit of a problem as you try and present the news and "educate" your viewers. Its a big leap to think that you are "educating" anyone, especially from someone who once said "World War 1 was started by the death of Archduke Ferdinand from who knows where" and the fact that in your book you have to tell your readers that Gyorgy Lukacs is not.."the Star Wars guy". Who needs to listen to an educated intellectual elitist when some asshole who scares you shitless over a beer will give you all you need to know about politics (Mexicans want your jobs, Chinese want your economy, Arabs want you dead, and Europeans think you're stupid).

So the audience you are targeting is not one of the highest caliber in terms of education and their familiarity with current events....and I think you'd be hard-pressed to deny this with your constant disdain for intellectualism. On top of all of this ignorance you are using the guise of being an "everyman" to instill deep fear into your viewers with your absurd and overly dramatic rants that you give on an almost daily basis. And after these rants you give off a glow that makes me think you view yourself as fuckin' modern day Patrick Henry (that's the Give me liberty or give me death guy, Glenn).

You are consistently putting the blame of ignorance and the violence that is carried out as a result of ignorance and fear on popular culture and the liberal media. To be fair though, I will admit that the things you mention on your show aren't all that drastic from the other commentators on your network, and it is shocking to think that your network dominates the top 3 positions in the nightly cable news race.

Of course to give you the blame for the actions of people that can be written off as "crazy" and an inevitable consequence that comes with a free society is unfair. Yet with political opinion carrying such emotionally weighted issues do you really think we should forgo rational debate for a form of anti-intellectualism that bases its arguments on fear, faith and emotions alone.

You're so busy blaming others as your face appears on numerous magazine covers and television shows while also spending each day ranting for three hours on the radio, one hour on TV, on the internet as well as publishing books, I can fully understand why you don't seem to have the time to reflect and realize that you are the evil you're warning about. I know how much you love Worst-Case Scenarios, so lets say the whole world becomes a crazy dystopia similar to the Left Behind series and I'm suddenly hiding in a trench gripping my AK-47 waiting to blast away some illegal immigrant, terrorist, or just a funny named minority, how innocent would you feel?

It would probably wouldn't matter to you. Because you're clearly a sadist. (and back to you being ignorant, how dumb do you look saying Obama is building "bridges to nowhere")

It does make you wonder what pushes people to be so fearful that must go out and kill others who are different than them, doesn't it?

You're a pussy, a creep, a racist, an asshole and an ego-maniac who cannot and should not be trusted. Go eat a dick.

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